Carry On My Wayward Googlers

It's been a while since I checked my sitemeter to learn what clueless new moms, what semi-literate teens, what fetish-loving freaks of nature had stumbled upon my blog recently--and exactly which search terms got them here.

Hard Proof You Don't Need a License to Procreate
Can any interesting thing happen during first trimester
No. Nothing.

When does a baby learn to speek
Just before learning to rite

How do you get through the first trimester?
Tragically, you may not. You may just be stuck there for years on end. Luck of the draw.

Worst times to drink when you're pregnant.
I'd say before breakfast isn't ideal.

Pregnancy 16.5 weeks
Because the advice for 17 week-ers is just not relevant?

How long do I have to wait to have sex after birth?
I waited 16 years. Some people wait longer. What's important is that you use protection and that you convince yourself that he loves you.

How can I make my husband understand pregnancy hormones
Get a copy of the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. Then beat him with it.

Can pregnant women eat soy sauce

Can pregnant women eat corned beef

25 weeks pregnant can I eat fries

Bras for pregnant people
Not just women, mind you. All pregnant people.

8 week old baby and won't sleep in his crib
The nerve! If he's still refusing by 10 weeks I'd definitely take him back.

Smiling while pregnant
You must be one of those skinny ones.

Thanks To The Oedipal Set, I've Doubled My Readership
Pick-up lines for moms
"Hey baby, you're so fine, how about I come over and clean your house while you go get a pedicure."

Mom's nasty night pictures
Poo explosions. Three of them. You want black and white or color?

Pregnancy sex slaves
At least you know you'll be free after nine months.

Mom f*cked the babysitter
She paid her all in nickels again.

My mom got boobs
Will wonders never cease.

Where can I find big boobs?
Generally above the waist but below the chin. Occasionally below the waist though. And come to think of it, sometimes above the chin. I suppose it depends on the bra.

Pasties mom pic
Is this what you had in mind?

Now You Want to Talk Freak...
Like to mix honey nut cheerios regular cheerios
I think they have support groups for this kind of behavior.

Okay, But What Are You Really Looking For?
Innuendo spray

The much awaited product extension of Double-Entendre Mist.

Two a-holes
Try this site.

Small willy babysitter
I think it might be illegal to hire a childcare provider based on that criteria alone.

Sexy bangladeshi mom & hunt real by god

Tingly skin creatures

Woman nose big pregnant girl

Ingrown hair longest record image

House house is a very very to be so

Mrs foot smell
Is this like a new cartoon character?

It's my belly button and the mommy will touch it

hippie blas
The precursor to the yuppie blas?

Fruitless cake
So much in life is.

Entirely Random
Symptoms of leaving a tampon in
Well first there's that string...

What does nanu mean?
That I'm old. I'm really, really old.

AARP membership
Not that old.

Woody Allen hates LA
I guess there's a certain appeal to New York, where you can be the only man in the room with a woman 1/3 your age.

101 words tell a boyfriend that they are just so great
Oh sweetie, you might want to do it in four or five. Their attention spans just aren't that long.

Defn: The spread of misinformation by pacifists

Kenny Loggins souvenirs
Apparently, even Mrs. Loggins uses google

Only In America
Boys love farts
And sadly, so do the men they become.

Welthies guy in utah
And I'm sure you have a chance at him, dear.

Ann Coulter leggings
For some reason, this image makes me want to vomit

Hallmark poems for the dead
"Roses are red, and you're dead so why am I even sending you this"

Susan Dey so what are you so afraid of
Just a guess, but... this?

You Talkin' To Me?
You know, if you already know the url, you don't have to type it into google, right?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Roses are red, and you're dead so why am I even sending you this."

Quite possibly the best poem ever written, my dear!

12/8/06, 10:59 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Of everything I've written, the most-searched post was one about My Super Sweet Sixteen. Yeah, MTV, a staple of my blog!

12/8/06, 11:52 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

A few of those made me laugh out loud. You have the best retorts to odd searches. heehee

12/9/06, 12:03 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Jesus, you're killing me. Good thing I'm sitting here by myself tonight, or my family would think I was a frigging nutjob with the sporadic outbursts of cackling laughter.
This way, only my neighbors think so.

12/9/06, 12:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my sweet Lord have mercy. Laughing like that at 35.1 weeks is just not healthy.

12/9/06, 12:21 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

You get great searches and I loved your responses. Especially the one for Propaghanda.

And my mom was on the internet for six months until she finally realized she didn't have to type the address where she wanted to go to into Google. So maybe it was her.

12/9/06, 12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never get any searches this good.

12/9/06, 12:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Liz, you crack me up. These were side splitters!

And I have to say that this part...

You know, if you already know the url, you don't have to type it into google, right?"

...is so dead on!

People will type my url in the damn google box and I just wonder if they have no clue where the address bar is!

12/9/06, 12:41 AM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

New LA job: stand up comic. Or better yet, sitcom writer - the pay is better.

12/9/06, 1:53 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I'm laughing so hard, I just shot wine through my nose. I can't decide which I like more, the things people looked for or your responses....ok you win. Every time I read one of these, I lose a little bit of faith in the human race.

I agree with Suebob, you could be a freaking comic. I think Last Comic Standing may be hiring. ;)

12/9/06, 2:42 AM  
Blogger Sandra said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. How sad is that. You need to do stand up. Oh. My. God. Too funny.

12/9/06, 6:04 AM  
Blogger Builder Mama said...

Okay, now there's hot tea all over my laptop. Thanks.

I am horribly obsessive about checking my google searches. It's a sicknes for me.

12/9/06, 7:33 AM  
Blogger Builder Mama said...

Um, I rely kan spel gud.

12/9/06, 7:33 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Did you hear that thump? That was me hitting the floor, and now I am rolling, clutching my sides, with a thin line of drool coming from the side of my mouth.

Thanks for the laugh! I needed that.

12/9/06, 8:37 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

Leave it to you to elevate the standard Google-hit post into an art form. I haven't laughed this hard in ages.

12/9/06, 8:43 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Too funny!!!! Thanks for starting my weekend off with a laugh! This just might be your best post yet.

12/9/06, 9:27 AM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...

Propaghanda---I thought this was a country in Africa...isn't it th eone surrounded by South Africa?

;) <---- Winky

In case you thought *I* was the one looking for the "welthies guy in utah."

I am LMAO here.

I only get people looking for "pictures of Swiper" and "disgusting green."

Although ever since I posted my children's book about autism...I'm getting lots of weird searches for brother and sister love. What's up with that?

12/9/06, 9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That last part with the google ALWAYS happens to me. My page automatically opens up to Google so when I try typing in a website address, it gets jumped to the google search section and by the time I realized it, I already pressed return. Just sayin'. =)

12/9/06, 9:47 AM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

OMG, these people got to you this way?!? LOL! Those are hilarious! The Hallmark card is my favorite. Thanks for getting me laughing this weekend.

12/9/06, 11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm peeing through my nose! Only thing funnier than this post are the stupid words they make you type for word verification.

12/9/06, 3:55 PM  
Blogger Sonia Wetzel Photography said...

*snort* OMG! Thanks for the giggle!!!

12/9/06, 4:24 PM  
Blogger sarah doow said...

"It's been a while since I checked my sitemeter"
As someone who always has Statcounter open in a browser tab, this just doesn't computer for me.
oh the shame. I just realised that I stopped to refresh Statcounter, mid-comment.

Maybe I should add "therapy" to my Christmas list?

12/9/06, 4:27 PM  
Blogger sarah doow said...

Compute. I meant compute.

12/9/06, 4:35 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Oh my dear Lord!!! This is my first time here and I am LAUGHING so hard! Wonderful!! :)

12/9/06, 5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. I just came back from my uncle's funeral and was feeling really, really down...that is, until I read this.

You are ALL SORTS of funny.

12/9/06, 5:07 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

holy crap, you crack me up, lady. i'm beginning to get disturbed by how many people come to my site looking for "hot tilfs." i think the weirdest one - which was actually sweet in a dorky way - was someone who googled "i miss you kari" and came to my site. should i be flattered or creeped out?

12/9/06, 6:02 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

ok, mrs foot smell. this means i need to go and see how people get to me. maybe i don't want to know. oooh. yeah i do.

12/9/06, 6:44 PM  
Blogger Girl con Queso said...

"Sexy bangladeshi mom & hunt real by god"

You know that's how I found you right?

12/10/06, 12:15 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Um, should I be embarassed about the Cherios thing?

This made me laugh all the way through. You are too, too funny, Liz.

And on having another girlbaby - you and yours are in my thoughts.

12/10/06, 9:54 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Crazy freaks out there, aren't there?

12/10/06, 11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! I like your two a-holes answer. Tis why I love you. :)

12/10/06, 11:44 AM  
Blogger J said...

Would ann coulter leggings be a pic of her in leggings, leggings knitted by her, or leggings with a picture of her ugly mug on them, to terrorize those at eye level, aka small children and pets? Or perhaps all three?

12/10/06, 1:12 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

"like to mix honey nut Cheerios with regular Cheerios", now THAT is scary!!! Must go check the sitemeter and see what freaks are passing by my way!!!


12/10/06, 11:23 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

rock on with your bad self!
Thanks for the laugh - I'm going to have to find a way to use 'propaghanda' in a sentence this week.

12/11/06, 8:31 AM  
Blogger Karyn said...

I do not know how you get this site meter thingy to tell you what people search to arrive upon your blog... but I totally want one.

This made me laugh so hard I choked on my tea and wound up spluttering it out all over my (non-ann-coulter) leggings.

Double Entendre Mist...ROFLMAO....

12/11/06, 10:17 AM  
Blogger Movin Mom said...

Thanks for the early morning laughter.....

you are hysterical!!

12/12/06, 10:00 AM  
Blogger Movin Mom said...

Thanks for the early morning laughter.....

you are hysterical!!

12/12/06, 10:01 AM  
Blogger Movin Mom said...

Thanks for the early morning laughter.....

you are hysterical!!

12/12/06, 10:02 AM  
Blogger Movin Mom said...

Thanks for the early morning laughter.....

you are hysterical!!

12/12/06, 10:03 AM  
Blogger Movin Mom said...

Thanks for the early morning laughter.....

you are hysterical!!

12/12/06, 10:04 AM  
Blogger Movin Mom said...

Thanks for the early morning laughter.....

you are hysterical!!

12/12/06, 10:04 AM  

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