Oy Tannenbaum

It's a funny thing, not posting for more than a week. It feels vaguely like owing a friend a return phone call. The longer you wait, the more you continue put it off as the events in your life accumulate and you never think you'll have enough time to adequately communicate everything on your mind. Of course by then your friend is annoyed with you. Or worries it was something she did. Or thinks you're just too caught up in your special life to make a time for old friends anymore who might just want a simple return phone call around the holidays thank you very much you stupid bitch.

It's good to be back.


My ideal Christmas tree:
It showcases a combination of beautiful glass ornaments amassed from post-holiday megasales at ABC Carpet, sentimental favorites from my childhood, and handmade pieces gathered from travels. I hang them evenly around the tree, with the ugliest ones in back (sorry, wooden dog kicking a soccer ball). A funky, glittery metrosexual-approved silver star crowns the top. White lights only. No tinsel: Shudder.

Nate's ideal Christmas tree: It showcases stupid joke ornaments hung three or four to a branch to make "stories," as he calls them. The hand-stuffed William Shakespeare humps the sugarplum fairy. The ballerina straddles the pen. The black angel babies from Target protectively surround the Washington Redskins logo. And the "Keep Abortion Legal" NARAL bumper sticker that somehow ended up in the regifting bag one year gets a prominent spot right in the front, in a passive-agressive display of rebellion aimed at his devout mother who's never even been within a 6 hour's drive of our tree.

"Not everything has to be about jokes!" I yell.

"Why not? It's my holiday anyway," he always shoots back.

"Your holiday? Your holiday? You don't believe in religion. You're the first person to remind anyone who will listen that Christmas is pagan and that Jesus was born in April."

"So? You're Jewish."

"So was Jesus."

There is no winner here. Except perhaps the dog who ends up getting into the Christmas cookies while we're busy reshuffling ornaments when the other's back is turned.

This year, we did not have a tree. Various events conspired to keep us from getting one until the Tuesday before Christmas. Divide the cost of a Union Square Greenmarket tree by the number of days we'd be here to enjoy it before heading out to see the family, it would come to roughly $137 a day. Eh, I'd rather spend it on Teuscher.

However we did make the time to make Christmas cookies--in the same spirit that we decorate the tree.

Perhaps you can even guess whose is whose?

An elegant star

A gingerbread man in goggles and swim trunks

A classic Christmas tree

A candle shaped like a penis with the word "penis" on it, just in case you missed it (Update: It's at the very bottom. Photobucket deleted the original pic the bastahds and this is the only other one I found.)

Various trees, stars, stockings, bells and candy canes

A gingerbread man with blue balls

Also...here's a really nice thing to wake up to Christmas Eve day (besides the penis candle): "Sanctimommy" goes national. We're soooo ahead of the curve, blogworld, aren't we? Read about it in the New York Times. The original Mom-101 post referenced is here.


Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Ahhhh. .. I feel better now reading your post---glad to see that all is well and 'normal' in Liz/Nate-land. OMG, those cookies are hysterical and I love how Nate goes after your tree. Just wait, in a couple of years, all your ornaments will be hung no higher than 3 feet off the ground, in big clumps, and every time you try to 'fix' them, you will hear wails from the little ones. And there is no way Nate will get away with 'blue ball cookies' once Thalia is in preschool! Can you imagine her presenting one to her teacher?

Congrats on Sanctimommy hitting the big time! I always knew you'd influence the world!

12/31/06, 9:09 AM  
Anonymous wendy boucher said...

Love the cookies. Love 'em. I'll bet he makes a big show about eating them too.

Happy New Year, Liz.

12/31/06, 10:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing at Nate's Christmas cookies. My husband says "That Nate's a pretty cool guy!"

Your cookies were beautiful. I wish I had that talent to decorate cookies! I suck at that part!

Happy New Year, to you Liz!


12/31/06, 10:36 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

But who ate the penis cookie? That's what I'd like to know.

And, damn girl, you got in the NY Times. A Happy New Year indeed!

12/31/06, 10:40 AM  
Blogger ECR said...

You are my mom-pop-culture hero for getting into the NYT as such a cutting edge word maven. The only thing that might impress me more is if you got a personal call from the editors of the OED. This is big stuff in my word-obsessed world. Congrats! And I love the cookies. They remind me of what you'd get if cookie swapping met wife swapping :)

12/31/06, 11:35 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

I love his sense of humour.

12/31/06, 11:53 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

A frienemy sent me the link to the NYT article about sanctimommies, and my heart stopped for a minute. I am terrified she will find my secret world here! :)

And I'm with Binky - you are my idol. Happy New Year.

ps - I like the penis cookie, but then again, I have a white christmas tree.

12/31/06, 11:56 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

We have those tree-ornament debates too. Cookie-decorating debates would require first baking cookies, so those don't come up so much.

Welcome back!

12/31/06, 12:24 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

The cookies are so funny! I kept waiting for a gingerbread-style boy frosted in yellow and dressed in square pants.

12/31/06, 12:42 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Sorry Liz, I'm a comic, so I'm going to have to go with Nate's cookies. I once got a new agent in NY and sent their staff a cake with a large penis sticking out of it that said Upward and Onward.

Congrats on the Times piece. Happy New Year. Send me a cookie.

12/31/06, 1:19 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Davis said...

Congrats on showing up in the Times!! Woohoo!

And after seeing those cookies, I think Nate and my husband are the same guy.

12/31/06, 1:34 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

glad to see you back, lady! congrats on being in the times - now i feel even more unworthy of being anywhere near your absolute awesomeness. my family doesn't have too many ornament debates, 'cause we always just keep the sentimental ornaments that we've accumulated over the years. we do have a little ballerina doll with a red string you can pull to make her arms and legs move, and we all call her the tampon dancer. :-P but we don't do cookies - i'm not sure we could handle that level of domesticity.

12/31/06, 2:19 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Sanctimommy hits the big time!

As you know I fully subscribe to your NO tinsel, white lights, art directed tree ... but Nate's cookies ... I am a little in love with them. I was totally cracking up that he actually *wrote* Penis on the candle just to avoid any confusion. You wouldn't want all that hard work in a joke cookie to be wasted now would you??

Happy New Year to you, Nate and sweet baby Thalia!

12/31/06, 2:37 PM  
Blogger Undercover Angel said...

Glad to see you back. It is hard to get back into the swing of things after taking a break.

Have a wonderful New Years!

12/31/06, 2:41 PM  
Anonymous Asha said...

Congrats on exposing sanctimommies everywhere, you brilliant writer. And happy new year to you, your joker husband (I have one of those, too), and your babies. xoxo

12/31/06, 3:05 PM  
Anonymous K said...

Damn redskins are giving him blueballs again.

Of course, I'm eating cookies baked not so lovingly by my motherinlaw.

A gingerbread man with huge blue balls sounds pretty tasty right about now.

And my word verification (for real):


12/31/06, 3:42 PM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

They look like tasty treats, even with the "non-tradittional" decorations! It was weird not blogging for a week --- holidays and a bout with the stomach flu are such conspirators!

12/31/06, 4:04 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

I think both types of cookies have their own charm...but I'm not putting any blue-balled gingerman in my mouth, sorry. Poor gingerman.

Seeing sanctimommy in the NY Times made me strangely proud. I may shed a tear. It just confirms that you are one of the funniest women I "know".

12/31/06, 4:08 PM  
Blogger Formerly Mrs. Kennedy said...

Happy new year, lady! You have to eat all those cookies before Thalia sees them, right? Right.

12/31/06, 6:24 PM  
Blogger Queso said...

Nice NYT quote, lady. You completely rock the casbah.

12/31/06, 6:47 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Oh. My. God.

I'm dying here, because my aunt and my cousin made gingerbread men a la Nate's. One with crotch rot (red hots for balls and red sprinkles for the rash). One with fig leaves (sprinkles shaped like holly leaves) over his unmentionables. And one that looks like my uncle (not my aunt's husband, but her older brother) - complete with Ohio State tattoo, earring, and cigarette in his mouth. I told my aunt to send pics - if and when she does, I'll post them too.

In the meantime, the whole "pagan/April" business sounds EXACTLY like Kyle. Those two are going to get along like a house on fire.

12/31/06, 7:48 PM  
Anonymous Karly said...

Love the little guy with blue balls! Too funny!

12/31/06, 8:07 PM  
Anonymous pamela hornik said...

Those cookies made me laugh--my kids would love to see them. Happy 2007. I live in a world of "sanctimommys', thats why i love the blogosphere.

12/31/06, 8:45 PM  
Anonymous Y said...

This post makes me love you both so much that I am going to pray to Jesus The Jew to make you buy a house really close to mine so that we can bake Christmas cookies together next year.

OMG. Blue Balls.

12/31/06, 9:05 PM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Wow. That iced penis looks really... well, yummy is not the right word...Ack. Words fail me.

12/31/06, 9:06 PM  
Blogger T. said...

I would like to place an order for a bakers dozen of the um, creative Christmas cookies.

Not that the traditional ones aren't pretty, and I'm sure they taste wonderful.

But I like to imagine the satisfaction I would get when I bite the head off the gingerbread man with blue balls.

Yes, I can be a tad passive aggressive!

Happy New Year to you and yours Liz!

12/31/06, 9:58 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

So. Freakin. Funny.

You go girl with NYT. I saw it. You rock.

And my hubby loves the gingerbread men. Like something he'd do if we actually baked cookies around here.

Glad to see you're back!

12/31/06, 10:00 PM  
Anonymous surcie said...

Way to rock the NYT!

Re: The penis cookie: I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say, thanks for the clarification.

12/31/06, 11:16 PM  
Blogger theotherbear said...

Hahaha - love the cookies.

1/1/07, 4:50 AM  
Anonymous Kvetch said...

You are so right. The longer you wait the harder it is to come back. You just don't know where to begin! So I did it, I just began...and jumped back in as well. Thanks for the gentle shove. And, gotta love the cookies. But I really want to know who ate the penis cookie.

1/1/07, 9:31 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

Happy New Year!

1/1/07, 10:27 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I came to your blog today specifically to congratulate you on being the creator of a 2006 Buzz Word. (I finally caught up on my Sunday NY Times reading!) So, congrats! That’s so awesome!!

That penis cookie did make me LOL, especially with your commentary!

Happy New Year!

1/1/07, 1:51 PM  
Blogger soleclaw said...

Great penis cookie. I'm not sure which i'd eat first, mr. blueballs or the penis. Oh, penis, hands down!

Happy new year!

1/1/07, 4:22 PM  
Blogger Juliness said...

Awesome, just awesome!

1/1/07, 6:02 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh Stacy thank you...but I most DEFINITELY did not originate that word. I saw it on message boards, as I mentioned in my original post. So I guess I'm a little less awesome now.

1/1/07, 6:43 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

Somehow I think the blue-balled gingerman needs to hook up with the penis candle. You know...just in case he doesnt' meet a real gingerperson any time soon.

1/1/07, 11:39 PM  
Anonymous Chase said...

Holy crap. Next year, I'm coming to your house for Christmas and making cookies.

I laughed so hard I cried! BLUE BALLS! Priceless.

1/2/07, 12:11 AM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

WOW. Cookies with balls, going national...what a way to ring in the new year!

And I hear you on being away from the blog for a while...my posting has been totally sporadic over the holidays and getting back into it feels weird to me right now.

1/2/07, 9:39 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Wow. Awesome about the New York Times article! (and the penis cookie of course) :)

1/2/07, 11:48 AM  
Blogger tracey said...

No friggin' way. When do you think Webster will include it in the dictionary? You stud.

Oh, and I can't wait until you get to LA because, sister, our husbands will be instant friends. The blue ball gingerbread man just plain rules.

1/2/07, 2:18 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Oh, I would've loved to serve those cookies to my guests! Especially the penis one!

Happy New Year to you and your family!!


1/2/07, 4:06 PM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

I've missed you, Liz!!!

First, congrats on the good test news! I'm thrilled for you.

Second, you are a cookie-decorating marvel. A candle penis? A gingerbreadman with blue balls? I love it.

1/2/07, 4:07 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

Thank you! I needed a good laugh today!

Though in our house, I'm the one who makes the joke cookies and DH gets quite upset about that. ;) I hear you on the tree, though!

1/2/07, 7:33 PM  
Blogger modmom said...

happy healthy hilarious 2007 pregnant liz!

1/2/07, 9:31 PM  
Blogger something blue said...

Earlier this evening, Strawberry was choosing cookies from your bake off and asked if we can buy the classic Christmas tree cookie. If I can place an order, I better request a dozen penises because I know they would sell out.

Congrats on the NY Times reference. That rocks!

1/3/07, 1:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so jealous! My cookies never look that good.

Addicted to Doll Houses

1/3/07, 9:39 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Jeff's two favorite ornaments, that somehow always get put on the back side of the tree - Spider man and a gaudy orange and blue UF Gator.
I do realize however that soon the tree will be taken over with handmade ornaments from the boy, so I'd better get used to it.

Happy New year and I hope Thalia is feeling better soon.

1/3/07, 11:13 AM  
Anonymous Mama22Boys said...

Love the blue balls gingerbread man. :)

1/3/07, 8:13 PM  
Blogger Bobita~ said...

Oh my Gawd...this might be the hardest I have EVER laughed while reading a blog. Gaffawing! Very funny husband you got there.

1/4/07, 5:48 AM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

Your husband is too funny.

And oh my GOD! The NYT? Do you know I remember reading that article and how did I not notice you in there??? Or maybe I did and forgot... what is wrong with me. Either way, very cool!

1/5/07, 3:01 AM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

Liz, I commented here after midnight last night and then went to bed and could only think, "Nate is not her husband, you idiot!"

Just so you know I do comprehend what I read here. ;) Sorry for brain lapse.

1/5/07, 11:33 AM  
Anonymous Celia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/14/07, 3:34 PM  

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