12.29.2009

The top 50 mommybloggers who didn't make the Babble top 50 mommybloggers list and are probably more fun anyway

I was honored to make Babble's list of top mommybloggers last week. Because it's always nice when some writers I think are talented look at my writing and say Hey, we like your writing too! But the problem with lists is that they are, by definition, finite. And I hate when people feel left out.

I'm also not crazy about a format that actually ranks us (I'm evidently better than Chris Jordan but not quite as good as Rookie Moms) or requires me to ask readers to vote for me because frankly I bet that every one of us would just as well throw our support behind NieNie and call it a day.

After a silly Twitter chat about it with Mrs. Kennedy yesterday, an idea was born: A list to honor some of the crazy skills, big and small, of lesser known mom bloggers. Particularly mom bloggers you might not be familiar with if your reading is limited to those on lists. So I asked people, Hey! Who wants to be on a list! And looky here at all these cool and interesting people who did appear.

Hope you find some fun new reading along the way.

In no particular order (seriously, nooooo order):

1. A Mommy Story: Christina and I have been blogging about the same amount of time and she's so consistently smart and insightful she needs to be on more lists, and her kids have cool Shakespearean names. Also, she is a walking compass. She can always find north, so feel free to get lost with her in a haunted forest any time.

2. The hilarious and effervescent Melissa Chapman writes the WCBS parenting blog, among others, and has become a delightful friend in recent months. She is also the only Jewish girl in NYC who married a doctor and wishes she married a plumber instead. Long story. Has to do with union benefits. The book's coming out soon, don't worry.

3. Jaelithe Judy can SEO the crap out of your blog, and she rivals Queen of Spain and Cynematic (#4) for the ability to never ever back down from a political brawl on Twitter.

5. Speaking of politics, Dana Loesch deserves serious props for influence. It was pointed out to me that she's the only member of Momversation that didn't get a Babble shout-out which is just stupid. If you're a Republican, you need to be reading Dana. If you're a Democrat, you probably should too. She's a great writer, even if her politics are all turned around.

6. Did you know that Amy Turn Sharp is not just a blogger and mom and all around nice person, but she also makes some of the most gorgeous handmade wooden baby toys in the world? It's true, I saw it on Cool Mom Picks.

7. Kelly Mocha Momma Wickham is the brilliant mind behind the Purse Drive. She also once famously asked at the BlogHer conference, yo, marketers, where are all the pitches to the bloggers of color? At which point everyone started sending pitches to Renee instead. Champagne manufacturers - send Kelly some samples for review. I hear she uses her mighty and powerful thighs to open them and is willing to share the photos.

8. I was reluctant to include Joanne Bamberger, aka Pundit Mom here, because she's so famous now she's made the CNN.com masthead or something like that. But she doesn't make mommyblogger lists much because ooh, politics...skeery. (See also: Dana Loesch)

9. I really like Momtrol Freak since I first met her this summer at BlogHer.  However she neglected to tell me then that she is certified in SCUBA, drives clutch in San Francisco, and can do eleven different accents not including a mosquito impression. Of course, I'm not impressed unless she does it with a 17th century Irish Brogue.

10. Jennifer Taggart, or The Smart Mama can tell you what may be toxic in any consumer product, which won't surprise those of you who read her blog. She can also fold her tongue into shape of a clover, an odd side effect she acquired after licking one too many BPA-laden sippy cups as a kid.

11. Mamikaze calls herself a slacker, but I  beg to differ. Evidently she can give "the look" that stops any kid dead in her tracks, which means I may need to borrow her to help me get through the next three years or so. Or at least this week.

12. Linsey K can remember vast amounts of useless information, so if any of you have any questions about pretty much anything at all, I suggest you look her up immediately and call her at home and she'll be sure to help.

13. Deaf Mom is a bona fide deaf mom, raising three deaf or hard-of-hearing kids. I don't know her well enough to make dark jokes at her expense and be sure that she won't hate me, but I do admit I wonder what she says to her kids when they're ignoring her because "What, are you deaf?" won't work. She also can fake clean her house in ten minutes and if that means more than imagine it getting clean, that's pretty darn good.

14. Jennster is the one chick who could make Dennis Rodman blush, and I've met them both so I know of which I speak. She also has this amazing ability to cut the bullshit, take an unpopular stance, and write what's on her mind without being an asshole and making people hate her. Quite a few of us could take a lesson there. Me included.

15.  Mommy Mae claims she can fall asleep standing up at a concert, although that doesn't count if it was a John Tesch concert. Poison? Warrant? The Crüe? Yes. That would be a skill. I think we need more to this story...

16. Screwed Up Texan is double-jointed in more than one place, so invite her to your next bachelor party.

17. Laurie White of Laurie Writes is by all accounts, the first ever mommyblogger that is not a mom. (Although Elisa Camahort Page is a close second). Laurie is even on several Twitter lists of power moms because - eh, no kids. Minor technicality. She is so thoughtful and insightful, even in 140 characters, that she makes me want to be a better person. But I won't be. Because I'm too busy.

18. Kami Lewis-Levin- is a great writer who takes on working mom issues on her blog; and on mine, she's one of my favorite commenters. But you know, you think you know a gal and then you find out that she can reinterpret portions of Balanchine's Nutcracker set to Beatles songs.

19. Laura Mayes is that name you know even while you don't know how you know it. That's because she flies under the radar of the press a lot, too busy writing amazing books, founding brilliant websites, running highly successful conferences and stealthily spreading good cheer. She can also tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue. I'd like to get her and Jennifer Taggart drunk together at a party just to see what happens.

20. Elizabeth of Adjunct Mom isn't actually an adjunct mom. She's a full-time mom, and an adjunct professor. Also a quilter. And knitter. And cross-stitcher. But that was all far too long for a Twitter handle so Adjunct Mom it is.

21.  Kim Tracy Prince of House of Prince has been blogging since you had to chisel your thoughts into rocks that were just shaped like computers. That's 2004, in case you're wondering. She also does a killer Nancy Kerrigan impression and knows her way around a pool hall. Take that as you will.

22. Maternal Dementia has one of the best blog names ever, although she's not demented enough to have lost her ability to sing all 50 US states in alphabetical order. I'm convinced she just memorized some arcane B52s song, but who knows. I love her tag cloud on her blog, with words like France, gratitude, memories, morning and mother, which I mention whenever I write about her. Which is now twice. She's a cool lady and one day I'm going to buy her dinner at El Bulli.

23. The Weird Girl is in fact weird, because she really wanted me to know how great her homemade cranberry oatmeal cookies are. I hate fruit in my cookies. But I love the Weird Girl. And so I forgive her for not remembering some post I wrote three years ago about fruit in my cookies. And by that, I mean oh, I'm sure your cookies are just delish and if I were to like any cranberry cookies at all they would definitely be yours.

24. As long as the penis-owning Dutch of Sweet Juniper made the Babble mommyblogger list, I feel it's only fair to include one more here. Penis owner, that is. Not that I can vouch for it, but I'd assume Laid Off Dad has one. Doug is a real life friend and member of the NYC blogging posse that kindly gets me out of the house for grown-up time every couple of months. He's also ambidextrous, and has pretty much every Monty Python movie set to memory so if you start to quote Life of Brian together, you can be there all night together. Pack provisions.

25. Mrs. CPA claims "I can do a tax return so pretty and neat it would make you weep" which only sounds like a plug for her business. In fact, she's not actually a CPA but a Tunisian circus clown, and that's sort of their brand of humor. Down there. In Tunisia.

26. I admit I'm a bit envious of Not Ever Still Life With Girls, who has the enviable ability to speak fluent backwards English. David Lynch, are you reading? Make this woman a star!

27. Cecily Kellogg thinks in blog posts and 140 character blurbs, which is either a talent or a pathology.  I'm going to go with talent because until health care is all fixed, I'd hate to saddle her with a documented pre-existing condition.

28. Susan Wagner is that blogger that everyone wants to be friends with and probably will be, because Susan is just that nice. She is also pretty. She's kind. She's a fantastic writer. She dresses well. And evidently she can tie a bow so perfectly, that if they had a Project Runway spinoff called Project I Can Tie the Best Bow, she would take it all. That may in fact be why they haven't come out with the show just yet. Who could beat her? Nobody. Where's the drama in that?

29. Speaking of TV, Marinka, a fellow New Yorker claims she can watch Snapped for hours guilt-free while the laundry is just sitting there. Now that's a mother we can all take a lesson from.

30. Similarly, Miguelina can ignore her blog for months at a time and feel zero anxiety about it. That's because pretty women can get away with that sort of thing. Plus she's not lying awake at night worried that the free cleaning products from PR people will dry up. Smell that? That's the smell of liberation. Or maybe Marinka's dirty laundry. Hard to tell.

31. High-powered PR executive by day, Julia Beck of Forty Weeks has Gumby-esque powers of impressive flexibility by night. Surely that delighted all the boys back in high school and scared the crap out of their mothers. And now she's a mother. Hm. Karma.

32. Carmen of Mom to the Screaming Masses is one of the first mom bloggers I ever found, and the one good thing about the south. (No! I kid! There are eight good things about the south, not counting Laura Mayes.) She could quite possibly kill me for saying that though, because she's a purple tip in Muay Thai and a yellow belt in capoeira. I don't know what those things mean, but they sound painful.

33. If you don't read PHD in parenting, you should. Unless you like blogs filled with cute pictures of babies and paragraphs with no punctuation and canned bean dip giveaways. Then nah, she's not for you. She's polarizing, but rarely infuriating which sounds easier than it is.

34. Andria Stanley has the amazing gift of timing: After a ton of fertility treatments to conceive her son, she somehow manages to get pregnant again, on her own, only weeks before filing for divorce. Whoo! Being a single mom is talent enough in itself. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she can do stuff with her tongue too.

35. Reasons you and I both should spend more time on Jenn Danielson's blog, Quarter Rest: 1. She's left-handed. 2. She can use the term slackassery properly in a sentence.

36.  Brandi B has more than 13,000 tweets to her name which, well wow. She is also a walking IMDB, and can tell you who That Guy was and what movie you saw him in which comes in very handy when you're about to run up to Paul Rudd on Bleecker Street and ask him if you went to college together. She also has twins and a four year-old and cancer. Ugh, stupid cancer. Can you just go away already and leave us all alone? You suck.

37. Devra and Aviva are the moms behind Parentopia, published authors, and benevolent advice dispensers. Devra has an unholy love of Top Chef finalist Richard Blais (seriously, ask Kristen Chase some time) and Aviva has some kind of Rain Man skill by which she can tell you when any type of meat will expire in the fridge. It's all connected in some strange voodoo way. Not sure how yet but it will come together if you think about it.

38. Jennifer Mendelsohn of Clever Title TK has about the most fun blogroll in history. Instead of boring links to other bloggers (yawn), she's got links to celebrities she interviewed when she was at People Magazine--and maybe slept with? Who knows! She can also tell what any food will taste like just from looking at it, which is a skill I could have desperately used in Spain a few times.  I need to spend a whole lot more time on her blog. And I think the clever title is already there.

39. Karen of Karen Chatters downplays her cooking skills but dude? Salt-crusted beef tenderloin with cippolini onions in a balsamic glaze. Also she is fearless, this woman. She is totally willing to dress her child up like an elf on Christmas with no fear of repurcussion later in life.

40. Jill, aka Scary Mommy has such an avid fan base, every time one of those top mom blogger lists shows up, her readers flock there to write, "But what about Scary Mommy?" Either that, or she has 62 aliases. Who wouldn't love a woman who's not afraid to post a huge photo of her kid picking his nose. Plus?  she runs this lovely Kitchen Shoppe where you should spend lots of cash, now. In fact, I'm not even sure why she's a scary mommy. Maybe she will stab me with one of the butter knives if I don't buy something from her.

41. Amber Strocel is your go-to source for info on global maternity leave, and growing cucumbers. Not necessarily together. Although if you'd like to leave your job in Greenland to have a baby and grow some cucumbers, check with her first. She'll hook you up.

42. Candace Lindemann has far too many skills to mention. Also, I'm getting really tired typing and it's late. But aside from starting Bloganthropy, she also makes balloon animals which is two ways she gives back to the moms of the world. (Although no one cries when their Bloganthropy pops and now the line is too long to get another.)

43. Blogging since 2002 (!!) Jen B of Jennui is one of the grand dames of the mom bloggers, doing it with grace, humor, and a Canadian accent, all while touching her tongue to her nose. Evidently that's a marketable skill in some country. I'm not sure which but I think it has a Q in it and no vowels.

44. Jill Anne Berry is proof that you can have a 13 year-old daughter and live to tell the tale. Next year she will be 14. The year after that, 15. And Jill will still be there, plugging away. Really, I'm just impressed with the entire process.

45. HD Lewnberg of Live Green Mom is so new to blogging, that her about page currently reads This is an area on your website where you can add text. This will serve as an informative location on your website, where you can talk about your site. Look at it as a chance to discover a yet undiscovered new blogger that you will come to adore. And proof that you don't have to be here 6 years to get on A LIST. Besides, she taught herself to ride a unicycle this summer.  There is a clear dearth in the world of self-taught unicycle-riding mom bloggers and she's just the gal to fill it.

46a and b  Cagey, aka Kelli Oliver George, and Sara Lena  of The Anvil Tree share my own useful skill for identifying famous people's voices in commercials and animated films.  So clearly they are a talented, and important pair of women, worth your time, energy and money. (Should you be sending money to random bloggers for some reason.)

47. Jennifer McNichols writes a very good consumer advocacy style review blog with her husband Jeremiah, called Z Recommends. So if you ever wonder where the parent bloggers are who are writing negative reviews - there they are. All two of them. In one blog. But that doesn't make them negative people. Can someone who makes a good pumpkin cheesecake be negative? Nope, it's a physical impossibility.

48. Momo Fali is another writer writer, so expect more of those annoying paragraphs and wacky punctuation marks. She can also do that spoon hanging on the nose thing which is one of the best party tricks ever. Especially if you're ten. Or have a kid who is ten. Which she does.

49. Rita Arens of Surrender Dorothy is too modest to say she has any skills besides almost curling the bottom third of her tongue (what's with all these tongue skills anyway?) but she did happen to get the first ever mom blogger compilation published. She is also kind and spiritually generous and principled and has that pretty blonde midwestern hair going for her. (Oh, and that's a Cool Mom Picks amazon affiliate link so don't report me to the FTC.)

50. Anissa Mayhew can come back from a coma. Top that.

---


Oh yes I KNOW I left you out. And you, and you, and you. And your best friend. And your favorite blogger. These were just the 50 who contacted me. Feel free to leave your own mad skills, raging talents, and stupid blogger tricks in comments.


12.25.2009

A Christmas Story

"I want a BIG tree this year," Thalia told me. "A REALLY big tree."

I sat her down and told her that there wasn't going to be a big tree this year. That we decided not to spend the money on a big tree, and to instead put it towards nice gifts.

The tears started to well up in her eyes.

I stumbled for more justification.  That it was so late in the season for a big tree. That live trees smelled beautiful. That we we loved the Charlie Brown tree we had last year. That a live tree is nice for the earth. That we could plant it at Grandma's house again and watch it grow every year and one day it would be a big tree.

Still, she was crushed.

Earlier this week Nate came home with a tree. A live one in a pot, as described, no bigger than Thalia not counting the pot. It was a about one-twentieth the size of the one Thalia had fallen in love with at her cousin's house last week. He set it on the ground and tentatively pulled off the blue plastic bag  that sat over top. I felt my teeth clench and my shoulders tighten. We turned towards Thalia.

Thalia scurried towards the tree, eyes wide, arms open.

She hugged it.

"A big tree, daddy! You got the big tree! Ohhhh.... I love it. Thank you!" she gushed. "Oh thank you, I love it!"

And she did.

That right there? That's Christmas.

Merry and happy to you and yours.


12.22.2009

I guess naming your kid Staten Island doesn't have the same ring to it


This morning, Babycenter released their list of the top 100 baby names of the decade and one name in particular stands out to me:

Brooklyn.

Brooklyn appears on the list of the fastest growing girl's names of the year.

Yes, I know we're so fabulous in the borough immortalized by Miranda's move here with Steve, and the Crown Heights riots but really? Brooklyn?

I'm wondering how many of those parents have even been to New York's most populous borough. Hell, half my friends in Manhattan haven't even been here. (Crossing a river! Scary!)

Surely as these sleepy, giddy new parents gaze down at their newborn baby girl and coo, Aw, little Brooklyn Goldstein, they imagine the sanitized-for-your-protect Brooklyn, the one immortalized on TV and in Woody Allen movies. The one that always takes place on the Promenade along the East River, where the dashing if rumpled hero kisses the trendy leading lady in the shadow of the glorious Brooklyn Bridge just before we rack focus from their embrace to the iconic skyline of lower Manhattan. (And then the director yells cut and a rat runs across their feet.)

For those of you considering jumping on this "hot naming trend," allow me enlighten you some of things your baby daughter's name brings to mind to those of us who actually live in the (718) and buy our flowers from a subway station:

- Jehovah's Witnesses
Yes, Brooklyn is the promised land, at least if you're a member of The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society which owns the better part of Brooklyn Heights and DUMBO and pretty much holds court on the Promenade. It's not unusual to find a wide-eyed smiling family clutching bibles walking around looking for unsuspecting tourists to converse with; and then to find Nate right there in their faces, asking them if they realllly think that Noah made it to Australia and back to drop off the kangaroos in less than 40 days.

-The Gowanus Canal (photo: Stephen Nessen)

Breathe in--really deeply. That's right, very good. Smell that?

Sorry.



-The woman who gave me the finger in Gristedes because I got to the checkout line before she did.


-America's Favorite Burlesque Game Show
It was stiff competition, but this Brooklyn based burlesque game show was deemed the clear favorite in a qualitative study of the viewing habits of burlesque game show aficionados. 



-Uh, this.


-The mysterious puddles on the A/C subway platform


-The most hated parents in the world.
Specifically, those in Park Slope. I'm not there so I'm safe. Only people who name their children Brooklyn will hate me now.

[photo credit]


12.21.2009

Co-sleeping is hazardous to your health

There's so much talk about co-sleeping and whether it's dangerous to the child. Well as a semi-regular reluctant co-sleeper for the past 4 years, 5 months and 15 days I can now safely say that it's dangerous to me. Where are the stats on that, AAP? Huh? Huh?

I woke up at 3AM with my back in the most awful spasm thanks to the weight of two children and a rheumy cat on my chest. (Oh, didn't you new parents know? The children don't sleep next to you on the bed, the children sleep on you in the bed.)With the muscle pressing against my rib cage, breathing is now something less than a joy, to say nothing of standing, sitting, popping the zit on my forehead, and doing the Achy Breaky Heart.

I'm sure last night was just the 65-pound straw that broke the camel's back, considering I was still on the mend from the previous night's three-person romp in a single bed at my brother's place. And by romp I mean I NEED TO SLEEP YOU TINY PEOPLE GET OUT OF MY BED.

And so, it's finally happened. All the years of  co-not-sleeping over the years has added up. And it's broken me. The kids? Oh, they're delightfully well-adjusted. One more thing I can hold over their heads in later years.

See you on the acupuncture table.


12.20.2009

The spirit of not-quite-Christmas

We picked a great weekend to head down to DC to visit family and do a little early Christmas. And by great I mean holy hell, there is a crapload of snow out there and if we're lucky, we might make it back to New York by tomorrow if I put down the computer and we leave this very second.

When I first heard word on Twitter of DC folks tapping out the eggs and bread and toilet paper from the local shops I rolled my eyes. Oh, these provincials. But when it came down to it, it was my nieces who appeared ready at the door in snowsuits and heavy boots, hats and scarves and probably some sort of newfangled child-insulation technology straight out of the labs of NASA. My girls? Jeans. Cotton scarves. Knit mittens. And boots...or at least they would have been in boots had I not lost them somewhere between the front door and the snow storm.

Good thing my children are impervious to cold for the first 30 seconds.

The day was built around this early Christmas, and this year we decided we'd limit gifts to something small for each kid and skip the adults. It was a far cry from the insane giftapaloozas of past years, in which the kids became so overwhelmed by, oh, present number three (let alone 27) and their 60-ton stockings, that Thalia would slink off to play with some ribbon by herself in a corner before melting into a pile of overstimulated, quivering nothingness.

(The one exception was the pair of child's scissors she got in her stocking when she was three, which turned out to trump even the tricycle that year)

So yesterday, presents--far fewer presents--were exchanged, cheers were shouted, gift books were read, candy canes were devoured, stickers were fought over. You know, Christmas. Only smaller.

A funny thing happened last night though. As I tucked the four girls into bed and asked them their favorite thing about the day, they answered Candy canes. Drinking hot chocolate. Singing Jingle Bell Rock together. Licking the snow. Using crazy straws in the milk.



The blockbuster new horror series of the holiday season: Straw, and Straw II

Either the spirit of Christmas really isn't about presents like Boris Karloff has been telling all these years, or we just got them really crappy gifts.


12.14.2009

Dear Tiger Woods, Women Save Sh*t


Dear Tiger Woods,

I don't know how else to say this without betraying my entire gender, but it has to be said for the record, once and for all:

Women save shit.

A love note. An email. A stray hair in the bathtub. An EPT test. A junior prom corsage. A stained blue dress from the Gap. What makes you think a text message with something like, oh, say.... quietly and secretly we will always be together from a world famous multi-gazillionaire would be any different?

Whatever it is that you give us/write us/toss in the dumpster in the alley outside our house, we will stash away somewhere. Because we women? We're insecure. We're needy. We're a little bit insane. And so we collect evidence that we are loved. Or if not loved, liked. Or if not liked, lusted after enough that a man would take the time out of his busy, busy PGA touring schedule to request that we forward a naked photos of our boobs.

I still have the very first emails that Nate ever sent me. They were these long, rambling, punctuation-free stabs at written flirtation that charmed my socks off. Maybe a little more. I've still got every one of them. Because one day, when Nate is signing 100 million-dollar contracts with Accenture for his world class ability to leave his underwear on the bathroom floor, or his unmistakable talent for changing the words to TV theme songs to include the word "fart" in every verse, I too will dig up those notes up and remind myself that he loved me when. If I can parlay them into a six-figure book deal too? Even better.

It's not just a prerogative, it's my genetic imperative as a woman to save that shit

Now you know. So the next time you--or any of your fellow men--decide to go cheating on your gorgeous pregnant wife with a half-dozen unpaid hookers with bad brow jobs, you can make some better choices.

So to speak.


12.11.2009

1584 Miles Away. Or a Million.

Flying out of town yesterday on a big, fancypants ad agency job felt somehow different than all the other flying I've been doing this year. I was not heading to a conference to speak about motherhood. I was not going to address a panel of marketers about removing "Dear Blogger" from their vocabulary. I was not meeting a group of mom friends on a (fully disclosed) junket to a pantyhose factory.

It was just a business meeting; the kind that reminds me my meeting wardrobe has sadly atrophied in the past two years of freelancing.

Somehow, leaving the kids under these circumstances hurts that much more.

Yes, I'm saying it. 

This is the great secret of women in business: You're not supposed to miss your kids. Or you're not supposed to admit it. Out loud. And when you do, quietly, secretly, to a coworker who has young children too, her head cocks to the side with a sympathetic smile-frown and she squeezes your arm, so relieved to be able to lower her voice and share her secret right back.

Then we put our armor back on, turn away from one another, and march back into battle.


12.06.2009

Oh God, not again

I am officially living some horrible hair nightmare.

Because just as I am recovering from Sage's traumatizing haircut (me being the traumatized one), my mother greets me today with the line, Don't kill me...

And as we all know, no good can come of a conversation starting with Don't kill me but...

Indeed, she decided that even after Thalia's own pretty lame haircut Friday, that Thalia still needed her bangs trimmed. Just a little bit more. Just enough to get them out of her eyes.

And so my mother took it upon herself to...

to...

I can't even say it.



Inside, I scream.


12.05.2009

Hairy

updated with photo

----

In 8th grade I told the hair cutter I wanted "wisps."

Wisps were the rage in the early 80's, at least in Livingston, New Jersey where I discovered them sported by all the beautifully straight-haired blonde girls during a visit to a camp friend. They were bangs, sort of, thin little strips of hair that trickled down in wispy tendrils. Generally next to a roach clip with a feather hanging off it. It was just perfect.

But on me? On frizzy, crazy-haired, wavy, bushy-headed me? They were um... a circle.

The left side of my bangs curled around making a C on my forehead, while the right side curled around in the same but opposite way, forming an O. Yep, she left me with a giant O smack in the middle of my forehead and no handmade ribbon barrettes could distract from it.

It wasn't like school photos were the next day or anything.

Oh wait...yes they were.

Eventually I lived down being called Frizzy Lizzy for the better part of my childhood.

But still, hair (and thoughts about my hair and panic about my hair) still takes up a disproportionate amount of time and energy in my day to day existence. I'm a pretty low-maintenance gal, believe it or not. But my hair won't let me be. When someone tells me I have good hair? It's like the triumph of technology (and a professional yielding a hair dryer) over biology. I am overjoyed.

So it's not entirely surprising that I'm projecting all of my hair issues onto my girls. Not that I could make a straight part if I wanted to, but their hair isn't apt to cooperate anyway. They have my hair. Thinner, yes. But just as unruly.

Sorry.

I often have these fleeting thoughts that perhaps one day, their hair will just...go straight. Neat. Partable, brushable, and free of the permanent dreadlock that has taken up residence on the back of Sage's head. Maybe my girls will turn Asian or something overnight. It could happen.

So yesterday I exhibited the greatest act of trust since I allowed Nate to get busy with me without a condom - I encouraged my mother to take the girls for haircuts.

I was so grateful. I've just been so busy lately, that I've allowed the girls to walk around with their bangs stabbing them in the eyeballs several weeks.

Okay, months.

(And don't suggest I cut hair myself. Been there, scarred that for life.)

"I know you'll hate whatever I do," my mom said.

No, I insisted. All I needed was for Sage to come home with the perfect chin-length wedge cut, longer in front, with short bangs. No biggie!

I kissed two girls goodbye and raced off to work.

I came home to one girl. And her little brother, the Dutch boy. The one with the long, uneven bangs and the ear-length hair. The one we call Sage.

It wasn't my mom. It was the chop shop I sent her to because it was close. And now, I feel guilty.

Sorry Sage.



On the bright side..if you lean to the left it's kind of even?



Good thing she's only two and doesn't give a shit.

Good thing her name doesn't rhyme with any disparaging hair descriptors.


12.01.2009

Happy FTC Disclosure Day!

Today is officially Blog Disclosure Day - the day the much yapped-about, freaked-out-about, and completely misunderstood FTC endorsement guidelines go into effect. In fact if you want to be a stickler, it's actually Advertiser Endorsement Disclosure Day but eh. It's more fun to beat up on bloggers who aren't even real journalists or anything.

In its honor I would like to propose a really simple system for 100% disclosure and FTC compliance. Not that some of the existing ones aren't smart - I just think they don't allow bloggers to tell the whole story.

Just use the appropriate hashtag after any of your sponsored posts or tweets or Facebook status updates or passing comments to strangers on the F train. It will just make things easier for all of us.


I wouldn't ordinarily write about this kind of product, but hey, I was out of it and it saved me a trip to the store.
Use: #human

My brother's mother-in-law's friend's kid owns the company. But I really do like it. Mostly.
Use: #favor

I am a shareholder of this company. And today my 20,000 shares are worth approximately 14 cents. Total.
Use: #havemercy

I am hoping that if I host this giveaway for this company now, they'll invite me on a free trip to their factory in Cleveland.
Use: #whoring

I am hoping that if I host this giveaway for this company now, they'll buy an ad on my blog.
Use: #dreaming

 I don't actually like the product I'm talking about but twitter parties are just so fun. Besides, I don't have any real life party invitations. So, you know...here I am. Talking about this stuff. Whoo! 
Use: #lonely
 


I just copied a press release in its entirety and passed it off as a review. What, you think I really took the time to figure out how to make a ® on my computer?
Use: #dipshit

I actually really do love toilet bowl cleaners! Talking about them, writing about them, reviewing them, collecting them -I swear, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just to sneak into the bathroom and fondle my assortment. No really, ask me anything about toilet bowl cleaners. Seriously! Anything! We can like totally start a ning group about them or something.

Use: #prozac


What am I missing?