8.10.2006

I'm Hairy and My Feet Smell

I feel the need to call a moratorium on post-BlogHer schwag bag whining. Yes, I admit I too had a yearning for a goodie bag containing a certificate for a free weekend at Canyon Ranch or a brand new PowerBook G5. But I'll happily settle for the free condom.

Good lord people, if you could afford the price of the conference, you could certainly afford to buy whatever $2.50 trinket you wish you had recieved instead of a corkscrew. I even read yesterday via Elizabeth that some ranting, raging so-and-so was offended to have received a bib and a kids calendar, which are evidently items exclusively for "white, married, heterosexual women." Who knew that single women, women of color, and lesbians couldn't procreate? I for one am shocked. Shocked.

Or wait, maybe it's that lesbian moms don't care if their kids get food on their clothes. Yes, I'm sure this is it: Lesbians like doing laundry.

You learn something new every day.

Let me just say, if you were insulted by "presumptions" made about you at the conference based on free gifts that offset the price of the weekend, you have too much time on your hands. You also have not ridden the New York City E train.

Just to give you a little perspective, here's what advertisers think about me, judging from the posters in my subway car on my commute to work.

I'm hairy.


I'm feeble.


I have disgusting feet.


I have some combination of bald patches, age spots, thin unattractive lips, spider veins, razor bumps, eczema, acne, unsightly wrinkles, nail problems, warts, and a creeping, communicable fungus.

I am flaccid.


69 Comments:

Blogger R said...

Ooooh! Bunion surgery! I've always wanted that.

8/10/06, 12:05 PM  
Blogger Dana said...

Oh Imma die laughing! Those are some funny ads.

Tell those BlogHer's who didn't want their bib that I'll take it! My kid always has something on his clothes!

8/10/06, 12:05 PM  
Blogger Stefania Pomponi Butler aka CityMama said...

Right on, sistah! How many times have we been at a conf or tradeshow? You get the schwag, you get rid of the shit you don't want and keep the stuff you do. if you don't want it/like it, decline it. Really, it's not that hard. I also am tired of all the bitching and moaning about the hotel, the food, etc. A reasonable registration fee, 2 meals + snacks, + free wine every day (that in itself is amazing--have these women never planned an event? Do they not realize how much hotels charge for a tray of cookies and an urn of coffee???), and a very well-priced hotel room? I can't afford to go to BlogHer next year if it costs $600 dollars just to register and I have to pay for a hotel and meals.

8/10/06, 12:23 PM  
Anonymous Y said...

I want to complain about the condom! What were they trying to tell me with that condom? That I SHOULD STOP BREEDING ALREADY? I'm offended! Outraged!

(And I'm laughing hysterically at your post!)

8/10/06, 12:29 PM  
Blogger Momma to LG said...

LMAO!!! People take too much time to bitch about stupid stuff these days. It was FREE people!

8/10/06, 12:31 PM  
Anonymous Kristen said...

I agree with CM.

I have to say that while the hotel may have not been the Ritz and they held my chocolates hostage for 2 days, it was cheap.

I've paid a min. of $130/night for a double at conferences (I used to attend at least 2 a year out of pocket) - the food was great for the price (I bought ONE meal and NO DRINKS over the entire weekend for a preggo, that's pretty damn good).

FREE WINE??

Seriously.

And did I mention, people got free chocolates - um hi KIT KATS? :)

So if you didn't like your bib, give it away, or use it as a dust cloth or a loin cloth or a butt wipe or write a hate message on the back and through it at one of us moms.

HEH.

8/10/06, 12:32 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Wish I could have seen you taking those pictures of the subway ceiling. Heh.

8/10/06, 12:36 PM  
Anonymous madge said...

HAHAHA! What about Dr. Z.?

A friend of mine went to him and had to switch dermotologists when he started advertising on the subway because his clientele grew so rapidly.

(Funny, you don't look like you have disgusting feet...)

8/10/06, 12:49 PM  
Anonymous Denise said...

I hate it when people blow our cover. But you're right, lesbians love to do laundry. I've written many posts about it. And no, I didn't use bibs at all, ever. It was all about having more laundry. Totally.

Unfortunately, I only have half of the lesbian laundry gene because I thought the freaking bib was cute and I didn't rant about it at all (I only ranted about the lesbians and their straight mouthpieces who felt the need to rant about the bibs).

Now shush about the lesbians loving laundry thing, ok? Nobody is suppose to know just how deviant we are, geez.

8/10/06, 12:55 PM  
Blogger GraceD said...

Woot! Woot! and Woot!

Slapping my hand on my thigh for added effect.

I loved the comment the brilliant Liz Ditz of the estimable blog "I Speak of Dreams" (http://lizditz.typepad.com/i_speak_of_dreams/) left on the magnificent "Multidimensional Me" (http://www.multidimensional.me.uk/) blog of Koan Bremner's

"If you are alienated by schwag contents, you have larger problems than I can address."


Bigger enemies confront women, people. For example, neoconservatism and the religious right.

It was an honor and pleasure to meet you my dear, hurried as I was at BlogHer. May we meet again, perhaps for the postNYC Marathon cupcake orgy?

8/10/06, 1:00 PM  
Blogger ECR said...

You are funny.

Any post that ends on the "flaccid" note is hilarious in my book.

8/10/06, 1:02 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

judging by the spam i get in my email inbox, my penis isn't long enough and i'm not satisfying HER in bed.
who knew?

8/10/06, 1:03 PM  
Blogger Veronica Mitchell said...

Clearly you are unaware of the gynocidal evil of a baby bib with its patriarchal assumptions about offspring of the Male Oppressor, sometimes known as father. Like a condom, it implicitly reinforces the sexist idea that women and children are unclean and Male Oppressors must avoid direct contact with them. By accepting the bib and condom, you perpetuate the cycle of domination and the phallacy of your own defilement.

Or it's just free stuff.

8/10/06, 1:03 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Veronica and Denise:

You're proving once again (sigh) that my commenters are 100 times funnier than I could ever be. Now stop that!

8/10/06, 1:21 PM  
Blogger sweetney said...

i love you. marry me?

8/10/06, 1:27 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Dude, where's the Dr. Zitsmore poster? That's a classic.

Agree with you 100%.

8/10/06, 1:40 PM  
Blogger Piece of Work said...

Dude. You mean you ALWAYS get free stuff at conventions? I'm just a silly sahm mom, I didn't know. I thought that stuff was special, and just for me!

THough a cream for my communicable fungus would have been a nice addition. Maybe I should write Elisa.

8/10/06, 1:41 PM  
Anonymous Mir said...

I have always thought you were flaccid, but I didn't want to say anything.

Now that it's out in the open, though, I just want you to know that you have many other redeeming qualities.

8/10/06, 2:16 PM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

But - you aren't flaccid. Are you? I mean, you always seem so... able?

8/10/06, 2:17 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

You are a genius, Liz.

In my professional world ( early childhood?) we get thrilled over a box of crayons and a pizza. free wine? I thought I'd dies and gone to heaven.

And I happily ate the Kit Kats...They were manna at 3 a.m.

Did Nate slip you some Viagra in Montreal?

8/10/06, 2:24 PM  
Blogger Mayberry said...

Ah, sweet memories of subway life! I bet you also need to learn to speak English, and hire a lawyer because of that time you slipped on a sidewalk and it was clearly NOT YOUR FAULT.

8/10/06, 2:35 PM  
Anonymous Mother said...

You'll have to fight me for her Sweetney.

And I'm tall and know Karate'

8/10/06, 2:39 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Well shit, if I had know there were free condoms, I would have gone. Oh that wasn't the point of the conference? Hmmmm...never mind.

Liz, Some people just need to be negative. Just ignore them. ;)

8/10/06, 2:53 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

Who knew that single women, women of color, and lesbians couldn't procreate?

I love this line.

8/10/06, 2:53 PM  
Anonymous Asha said...

Brill! I'm getting tired about hearing about the inside of the gift horse's mouth, too. Any conference that gives away pasties is fine with me. Because I think, at a conference geared toward women, they can safely assume the attendees have breasts.

8/10/06, 3:05 PM  
Blogger The Daring One said...

You are so dead on.

8/10/06, 3:42 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

OMG! How well those subway advertisers know me...

8/10/06, 3:50 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Personally, I like any post with the word 'flacid' in it. I don't know why.

And I still like you, even if you have a hammer toe.

8/10/06, 3:59 PM  
Blogger Silly Hily said...

Who knew you could make telling someone to shut the f up already soooo freain' funny.
Amen sista, AMEN.

8/10/06, 4:31 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

That's why I won't take the E train. It gives me low self-esteem.

E for esteem-goes-down-the-toilet?

You do learn something new every day!

8/10/06, 4:52 PM  
Anonymous Kvetch said...

I haven't been reading the posts about BlogHer too much since I wasn't there - so I didn't even get so much as a free condom and lord knows that I am way to embarrassed (still, at 42) to buy them and I'm actually single and don't want to get pregnant or diseased so could actually use them. But anyway, being on the outside, I agree with you. Get it over it folks, jump on the Mom-101 train, and move on!
(by the way, condom donations accepted in plain brown packages)

8/10/06, 4:56 PM  
Anonymous wendy boucher said...

I haven't seen the gripey posts but I've heard of them. My "Girlie Weighs In" post was meant to address that in my usual sarcastic cartoony way.

But this post is hilarious. Nice work, Liz!

8/10/06, 5:01 PM  
Blogger mrsmogul said...

I miss the subway ads..I remember when the trains were made of straw and there were fans on the ceilings! I was a kid then riding. Then the ads were made of straw too!

8/10/06, 5:03 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

You are a funny woman, Mom-101.

8/10/06, 6:47 PM  
Blogger Bobita said...

Flacid. Heh.

(Thanks for writing this post. I wasn't at BlogHer...but I have been reading many post-BlogHer posts and noticing a running theme of dialogue about the goodie bad. So, this was a much needed "put the goodie bag in proper perspective" post!)

8/10/06, 6:54 PM  
Anonymous neva said...

so spammers also advertise on the E train? i did not know that. xox

8/10/06, 6:55 PM  
Anonymous jess said...

Well said. I have been amazed reading blogher posts with peoples self-important expectations that the entire conference should have satisfied all their personal needs.

8/10/06, 8:45 PM  
Anonymous Glennia said...

Great post, and great comments. Delurking to gush on how much I lurve your writing. I'm so sorry I missed meeting you at BlogHer.

8/10/06, 9:11 PM  
Blogger Queso said...

Seriously. I HATE it when people give me free things. Rude. The bastards! What nerve! Who do they think they are? Freaking Giving McGivertons.

8/10/06, 9:14 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

You know that sweetener they gave us? I'll bet that helps with flaccidity. In case you were needing some help. Which you're not, I know. But still.

And those bibs were for babies? White babies of heteresexual parents? Really?

'Cause I just gave mine away to a gay Inuit dwarf.

8/10/06, 9:22 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

I am offended that people were offended. What self-important asshats.

I agree with everybody else. Flaccid is a great word and I enjoyed seeing it used to creatively. I also enjoy it's counterpoint "turgid". Could you work that one in somewhere?

8/10/06, 9:22 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

That was supposed to be "counterPART".

8/10/06, 9:23 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

HEHEHEEHEHE. good one.

8/10/06, 9:38 PM  
Blogger penelopeto said...

according to my subway ride, i am all of those things, plus obese, in debt, out of work and lacking body in my hair, but not, certainly not, hair on my body. plus, i am short and always end up standing in some stinky guy's armpit.

and free shit? feh. the nerve.

8/10/06, 10:00 PM  
Blogger Fidget said...

Swag is Swag

It annoyed me no end when people bitch about swag

FREE PEOPLE FREE

give it to someone who can use it!

ARGHGRGHGRGHGRGHGRGH

sorry I'm a little stressed, my post tonight explains why

8/10/06, 10:57 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

Eew. Liz, you're gross. I can't be your friend anymore, you hairy, zit-faced, ugly-toed breeder.

8/10/06, 11:16 PM  
Blogger Overwhelmed! said...

You're flaccid? REALLY? How is that possible? :) Funny post!

8/10/06, 11:21 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

You said it, girl. Personally, I am totally offended when the person working the deli counter offers my children slices of cheese. Are they trying to say I don't feed my kids properly? Huh? Huh?

8/10/06, 11:39 PM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

Thanks for the link love, Liz (that was fun to say!). HBM said "gay Inuit dwarf"-HAHAHA! Next year, let's walk through the Welcome Breakfast offering to take possession of any offending swag. So that we can never talk about this AGAIN.

I would be okay with those subway ads except for the foot one-MUST they show actual photos of deformed FEET? Ewww.

8/11/06, 12:06 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

Brilliant.

While I may have made fun of some of the freebies, I took nearly everything home with me. I love free stuff, and never miss an opportunity, even if it's something I may never use.

Which is why I must now figure out what to do with a box of artificial sweetner.

8/11/06, 12:19 AM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

People who don't want their condoms, send them to me!

I'm done breeding. I need all the condoms I can get. Thank you, BlogHer!!

8/11/06, 12:48 AM  
Anonymous roo said...

Hmmm... I hear that Dr. Z is pretty good for skin tag removal...

8/11/06, 1:05 AM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

I have ALL the schwag on right now. I eat while blogging a lot, so the bib comes in handy. The pasties are holding my hair up off my forehead and out of my eyes. The condom is covering a cut on my thumb and the tiny tiny t-shirts - well, they fit ME well as socks. The sleeves kind of get in the way, but who cares? They were free.

8/11/06, 1:26 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Suebob that was really funny.

And Mom101 I got a kick out of this post. Laughed out loud even!

8/11/06, 1:35 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Haha, great post!

Watching the Tour de France this year - apparently fans of cycling want to buy new bicycles (makes sense), new cars (ok, sure), and have trouble with urination when they go on golf outings with other men with good hair. Whatever.

Am I repeating myself? I suddenly had deja vu about typing this. Sorry for babbling! Time to go to bed.

8/11/06, 4:22 AM  
Blogger doow said...

I'm not sure "86% effective" is a success rate I would necessarily be bragging about. But that's just me.

8/11/06, 6:40 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I love your flaccid ending. LOL!

8/11/06, 10:11 AM  
Anonymous Christina, aka Kitty said...

What? Did people expect goodie bags like the ones handed out at the Academy Awards? Geesh. Loved this post. Any conference that gave away Kit Kats (my #1 favorite candy) could do no wrong, IMO.

8/11/06, 11:25 AM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

FREE WINE???
you fucking assholes, now I am even more disgruntled.

was not there, so cannot really comment. but being me, i will anyway. conference swag at the sad-ass conferences i go to normally tell me that i am a devotee of the cloth tote. not sexy..

give me a condom. give me a bib. give me some fucking free wine!

8/11/06, 12:46 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

You crack. me. up.

8/11/06, 3:31 PM  
Blogger K. said...

No, but you ARE hilarious.

8/11/06, 5:29 PM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

A to the Men!

Thank you for driving the point home. So tired of the whining about FREE stuff.

Now if someone wants to complain that there was no music poolside...I might have to concur, as I was definitely in the mood to dance and I think it could have been a lot of fun!

8/11/06, 10:43 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

I love reading all of those subway signs. Unfortunately, I don't get to NYC often enough.

8/12/06, 12:10 AM  
Blogger Mary-LUE said...

Suburban Turmoil stole what I was gonna say! So ditto Lindsay!

8/12/06, 1:14 AM  
Blogger h&b said...

tee hee at your train-advertorials.

I read a few blogs that went to Blog-Her .. I guess i'm lucky they are all the enthusiastic kinds . i've not heard a bad thing !!

8/12/06, 6:31 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Maybe next year attendees could choose between "the bag" and a t-shirt that says, "I went to BlogHer and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"?

By the way, have I mentioned that you're hilarious?

8/12/06, 7:30 AM  
Anonymous Poopydigs said...

F-U-N-N-Y

Thanks for the chuckle.

I always get spam related to weight loss and viagra. So, I guess I'm fat and my libido is running low.

8/12/06, 11:25 AM  
Blogger NursePam said...

LOL!

Bib? I'd give it to one of my mommy nurses. Less laundry = more double shifts.

Kid's calendar? Give it to my boss who keeps crap in her office to give little kids that wander in.

Corkscrew? Are you kidding? I need more corkscrews. One for every drawer. Never have a bottle of wine and no corkscrew.

8/12/06, 5:25 PM  
Anonymous leahpeah said...

you totally rock!

8/14/06, 1:55 AM  

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