Par-tayyyyy! Whoooo!

The fine folks responsible for the best-selling series of Zagat surveys, in their infinite wisdom, have sent me an email asking whether I'd be interested in rating Los Angeles nightlife for their upcoming publication.

Uh, okay.

Now I can honestly say that if they are looking to reviewers like me to rank the Los Angeles hotspots I've attended in the past year's time, it will be a very thin volume indeed. To say nothing of the guide's credibility. The fact is, I'm currently a) pregnant b) not drinking (much) c) too old, pale, and plagued with cellulite to get in anywhere good in L.A. Plus? I still have my own nose. Doesn't this all automatically disqualify me from any sort of nightlife reviewer status?

Then again, Cindy Adams still does it and she's like 104.

Still, I'm happy to help where I can. And so, I give you the Mom-101 2007 Guide to Los Angeles Nightlife As I Know It.

Note: this is not an excerpt. This is the complete thing. Any publishers out there reading? Shoot me an email. I smell a best-seller.

The Airport Westin Lobby Bar
This high energy lobby bar is the spot of choice for commercial pilots "with wedding rings in pockets," uniformed soldiers "sucking down Jager," and old people in wheelchairs bogarting the free buffet. Loud, indistinguishable pop tunes compliment the "watered-down drinks." "Grab your laptop and a booth by the corner," make use of the "free wi-fi," and and avoid eye contact at all costs.

The Whiskey Bar at Sunset Marquis
"Fabulous," "trendinista" WeHo bar still going strong after all these years "if you ever get past the velvet ropes." Perfect for kicking back after a meeting, until 7pm when you head upstairs to for bed. Hot waitresses in "catsuits" reluctantly refill your free bowl of cheddar cheese goldfish while looking over your shoulder "for someone more important" to give your table to. "Shut up and drink your Chardonnay."

Room 303 of the Belamar Hotel
Basic cable, a queen size bed, and "arty" chihuaha photos complete this "luxury boutique hotel" standard room where you can party the night away in total peace and solitude. The drinks should be free if you complain enough about "the smell, that awful smell" permeating the hallways, but won't be. Porn selection "adequate," if "overpriced."

Aunt Fredda's living room
"Quaint Santa Monica townhouse" provides quiet respite from famous people and cliched Pacific Ocean views. Management "extremely welcoming." Wine is plentiful and conversation delightful--but "be prepared to leave covered in dog hair." "Bring a lint roller and try the hummus."

7th floor kitchen area of El Segundo-area ad agency
Oversize rustic picnic benches, exposed ductwork give this wide-open cement-floored kitchen area a "Flintstones meets Extreme Home Makeover, pre-makeover" feel. Food options limited to vending machine selections, non-dairy creamer, and occasional meeting leftovers: "Pray for CPK." Booze is permitted but strictly BYO. Bonus: Open all night.

Driver's seat of Hertz Rental Car
Bare bones environment enhanced by FM stereo, personal temperature controls. Raves about easy access to "fast food drive-thru windows along Sepulveda." Lack of social interaction with others major drawback so "don't forget your bluetooth headset." Leave your garbage on the floor--"they'll get it later."

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Psst...feel free to stop over and wish Hally a very happy birthday. She knows Bono!