6.19.2007

The Ten Duhs of Driving

On one hand, I don't mind terribly that the Vatican issued the Ten Commandments of Driving today. It's with good intention certainly, and heaven knows (haha) a lot of the drivers out there could use a little divine guidance on the road. Especially those with Pennsylvania plates, being as how Pennsylvania drivers have become the new New Jersey drivers in my neck of the woods.

(Seriously, thanks for the Liberty Bell and cheesesteaks and all that, but it doesn't give you the right to weave up and down the FDR Drive at 80 miles an hour in exchange, you psychos.)

Let my people merge.

But I do have issues here. Not necessarily because the church is crossing a line into matters of law, or because it feels like a cheap PR ploy to take the Jesus is My Copilot bumper stickers to the next level. Mainly I don't like it because the list is lame. It's lame! "You shall not kill"-- oh really? Thanks for the tip, guy.

A little more thought and the Vatican might have come up with a few commandments that could actually make a real difference:
-Thou shalt not amass stuffed animals in thy rear window if thou is older than 17.

-Thou shalt not drive with a turn signal on for more than 50 yards and that goest double for thou, Grandma

-Thou shalt not park diagonally in a mall parking lot, lest thy penis be revealed to be of diminutive stature

-Thou shall roll the windows up and turn the radio down when driving through residential neighborhoods at night, thou selfish douchebag

But nope. Just some babble about being courteous on the road and helping people in accidents. Blah blah blah.

Vatican, we're going to give you a second chance at this. So let's have it, readers. You're smart. What are the driving commandments you'd like to see?


59 Comments:

Blogger Dawn said...

These may only be appropriate for my neck of the woods....but here goes.

Thou shall correctly use a blinker, you French speaking sons of bitches.

Thou shall actually fully stop at a stop sign. Not a rolling stop. A full and complete stop.

and if you are driver of a bus, thou shall not terrorize the driver of a car by veering into her lane causing her to screech to a halt to avoid being sheered by the bus. I am happy to give you right of way, if only you'd use your blinker. Can I refer you to number one?

Thou shall give the person who is parallel parking some room to park, dammit.

6/19/07, 10:52 PM  
Blogger slouching mom said...

If thou spyeth a left-turn lane, and thou intendeth to make a left turn, please useth the turn lane. That's what it's there for.

Thou shall not apply brakes randomly and with no provocation. Thou shall instead brake only when necessary, i.e. when there is a car in front of thou, and it has stopped, but thou is still moving.

6/19/07, 10:57 PM  
Blogger Emery Jo said...

get off my ass...ith.

6/19/07, 11:08 PM  
Blogger Janssen said...

Thou shalt NOT drive the school zone speed limit when it's not the school zone TIME and the light is not blinking! Especially when that school zone speed limit is a third the regular speed limit.

6/19/07, 11:30 PM  
Blogger canape said...

My shard of brilliance seems to have vanished . . . so if they both appear, we can see how close I came to recreation. Being as how we are speaking divinely and all.

Thou shall save thy reading material for your john lest you slay my people on my highways.

Thou shall not set thy girlfriend, thy neighbor's girlfriend, or thy first cousin (no matter how hot she is) in the middle of your bench seat whilst the passenger seat remains empty.

Thus sayeth the beyotch.

6/19/07, 11:33 PM  
Blogger Stie: My Favorite Things said...

Thou shalt get into the exit lane upon first chance, and not at the last second right in front of thy neighbors vehicle.

Thou shalt not have more bumper stickers than a NASCAR vehicle.

Thou shalt not use thy vehicle as a garbage dump or storage facility for lost McDonald's toys.

****
Love yours - your blog continues to bring smiles to my day!

6/19/07, 11:48 PM  
Blogger margalit said...

This is for the Massholes: Thou shalt not make a right hand turn from a left hand lane. And, thou shalt not make a left hand turn from a right hand lane. Especially if there are cars already in the lane you should be in, Masshole.

6/19/07, 11:52 PM  
Blogger mamaluv said...

I want to add to this brilliance, but am laughing too hard. This is hilarious!

Anyway, you all said what I would have and very eloquently too, so what is left to say except

"Thou shalt not steal thy fellow commentor's planned material."

6/20/07, 12:19 AM  
Blogger Cathy said...

Thou shall not drive a vehicle bigger than thou can manage.

If thou canst speaketh on thy phone and drive at the same time, THEN PUT DOWN THE DAMN PHONE! (This applies to 99.9 percent of the people out there. Unless you are calling your teenage babysitter who is watching your three under-age-5 children for the first time, you have no need to converse on a freaking highway.)

6/20/07, 12:59 AM  
Anonymous Emily said...

Thou shall use thy blinker when turning and shalt not use it when not turning, even in North Carolina.

Thou shalt not smoke with thy children in the car.

6/20/07, 1:35 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

thou shalt not merge onto the freeway at 45 mph when i art behind thou.

that's the one i want. make it happen, liz - you seem like you've got connections.

6/20/07, 2:15 AM  
Blogger carrie said...

Thou shall place the kiddies in carseats until they are of the legal age not to do so.

Thou shall also not drive a Hummer because like I said to my husband, only greasy-coiffed, tank top wearing, necklace sporting, small penised, short, hairy men drive Hummers.

Carrie

6/20/07, 2:54 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Thou shalt look in the @##$%@!#!@# mirror before changing lanes! Thou shalt NOT depend on god, providence, or my good graces to read your unholy thoughts and get out of thou's holy way before thou chooses to position thy vehicle in the same piece of earth that I am occupying!!

So there! Pftttt!

6/20/07, 2:58 AM  
Blogger wyo said...

Thou shalt not accelerate to ridiculous speeds so as to passeth thy roadly neighbor and then decelerate within mere moments of so doing. Or thou shalt surely deserveth to have thy neighbor's car embedded inneth thy backseat.

6/20/07, 7:03 AM  
Blogger Damsel said...

Soooooo funny.

Thou shalt not curse in vain at others who have pissed thou off. They cannot hearest thou anyway. Instead, focus on thy own driving skills and maintain thy position forthwith. Turn the other cheek and forgivest thou other driver seventy times seven, for she probably is dealing with a screaming toddler in the backseat.

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, thou shalt CHOOSE ONE LANE, ANY LANE, and sticketh with it-ith.

6/20/07, 7:58 AM  
Anonymous Susan Getgood said...

Thou shalt not ride up on my back bumper when you can clearly see that it is a car up ahead that is going too slow, not me.

Thou shalt not cruise in the left lane at 5-10 miles below the speed of traffic.

Thou shalt dim your highbeams for oncoming traffic.

6/20/07, 9:00 AM  
Blogger kgirl said...

See, this is the kind of religion I can get behind. My commandment would be the simplest of edict:

Pay attention, fuckers.

6/20/07, 9:04 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Carrie: I'm so glad someone mentioned Hummers. God should just smite-eth those right of the earth

6/20/07, 9:07 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

I read those Commandments to my husband last night. He thought it was a joke. Oh no, not a joke, just the Catholic church up to their old ways.

I like your commandments much better.

Here's one more...

Thou shall get off the Goddamn cell phone for Christ's sake.

6/20/07, 9:11 AM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Thou shalt not stop IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING INTERSTATE to consult your map if lost. The beach is ALWAYS next to that huge mass of water. It never moves. (This applies to YOU tourists from Pennsylvania! - Dude, what *is* it with PA drivers?)

6/20/07, 9:30 AM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

That caption of "Let my people merge" will have me laughing all day.

How about, "Thou Shalt Not Apply Makeup, Consult Thy Blackberry Or Look for Fallen Item on Passenger-Side Floor Whilest Driving".

BTW, doesn't the Catholic Church have bigger issues than this? I'm just sayin'.

6/20/07, 10:21 AM  
Blogger Tabitha said...

Thou shalt not yield to merging traffic. Merging traffic shall yield to you.

Thou shalt follow the signs when approaching a round about.

Thou shalt not curse at those who are following the rules of the road. It's not thine own fault verily thou hath becometh an illiterate moron.

6/20/07, 10:32 AM  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

Thou shalt not pack more kids/ people in the geo metro your driving then you have seatbelts for. Even if it is only a mile to the diary queen.

Thou shalt not allow your dog to ride in your lap as you drive. It doesn't matter how small he is, put Fido in the backseat.

And for those over 85, thou shalt get your vision checked.

6/20/07, 10:33 AM  
Blogger appleseed said...

Thou shalt put a proper muffler on your *trying to look like a bad ass* Honda!

Thou shalt slow down in the neighborhood you live in , especially if since you know there are many small children in the vicinity!

Thou shalt not try to turn in from the curb and pretend taht it is a turning lane!

6/20/07, 10:34 AM  
Blogger David said...

this is the funniest thing I've seen all week.

absolutely hilarious.

6/20/07, 10:50 AM  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

If thou wishest to drive on Washington, DC roads, thou had better resolve to drive at least 5 mph over the posted speed limit, knowest precisely wherest thou is going without having to read a map, and if thou ist terrified, thou resolvest to stay in the right lane. Amen.

6/20/07, 11:49 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Thou shall not apply makeup while driving. It doest not help thou look lovelier, anyway.

Thou shall refrain from mounting those "Baby on Board" signs, half-embedded tennis balls, fake bullet holes, and other ugly decorations on your car.

Thou shall not flash your highbeams at me, you dumb bi -- err -- pretty pleaseth.

6/20/07, 12:48 PM  
Blogger In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thou shalt turneth righteth on redeth unless signage sayeth otherwiseth.

Thou shalt be prepared for tolls up ahead, as there are signs warning of said tolls. Don't dig around-eth in your car-eth for loose change-eth when at said tolls.

Amen.

6/20/07, 1:16 PM  
Anonymous Lisa Giebitz said...

Well, my momma told me there are only two Rules of the Road...

I. If it's bigger than you, it has the right-of-way.

II. Drive like everyone has a loaded weapon handy and is not afraid to use it.

Did I mention I'm from Texas? ;)

6/20/07, 1:24 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Ok, I am from Jersey and we take our driving seriously, I am sure you know.

If you are not from NJ, NY or CT don't drive on the turnpike or parkway. If you do, stay in the right lane, you can't keep up.
Easy enough, right?!

Funny enough I wrote about bad drivers comign through NJ on my blog the other day.

6/20/07, 1:40 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

wait. the vatican *actually* did this? well thank god world hunger and poverty are now over and we can move on to other business!

my commandment:

thou shalt not park thy hummer in the disabled spot, asshole.

and

thou shalt not sport a W sticker and expect me to let you nudge in, asshole.

boy. i am angry. i need to chillax.

ok.

thou shalt not complain about The Little Mermaid Soundtrack lest ye be in for playing "I Spy" for 2 interminable hours.

6/20/07, 2:17 PM  
Blogger Phoenix said...

God, I love this.

Thous shall not Pick you nose and eat it and look around to make sure no one saw, because we did and now our breakfast is going in the trash.

Thou shall not force your LARGE SUV into a compact spot and block the rest of us in. If you are not compact, get out of dam space, because I am.

Thou shall not hit your horn before the light turns green. Not all of us have ESP.

Thou shall not stop in the middle of the road to look at the garage sale full of crap that you don't want anyway. If you want to look, pull over and look, you moron.

And last, (although I live in West LA, I could go on for hours) thou shall not have stick figures of all you children and animals on the back of your mini-van. I get distracted trying to figure out why someone would name thier children Jesus, Magdalena, Jose, Anna Lysa and Kennedy. What, you ran out of latino names?

6/20/07, 2:24 PM  
Blogger Carrcakes said...

How about Pope Benedict gets behind the wheel of toddler-packed Dodge Caravan on Philadelphia's I-76? Then, and only then, will I accept his commandments.

6/20/07, 2:48 PM  
Blogger Beulah Sorensen said...

Thou shalt stop for the yellow light, not speedeth up. Thou shalt remembereth the most important of the Driving Psalms: "Red on top, green below. Red says stop, green says go. Yellow says WAIT even if you're LATE! (Selah)"

6/20/07, 3:30 PM  
Blogger Pokey Puppy said...

OMG.. that was so funny.. and i totally agree with the additions you have made to the list. How about this too

Thou shalt not drive while shaving or putting on makeup-that is what I made bathrooms for!
-God

6/20/07, 3:38 PM  
Blogger CPA Mom said...

No applying make up or texting or reading while driving. Fast people in the left lane, slow in the right. Or go straight to hell.

I can't believe the Vatican does not have better things to do.

6/20/07, 3:50 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

This is hilarious!

How about, "Thou shalt not drive a car that spews more smoke than the pope election process."

6/20/07, 4:24 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Thou shalt be striked dead, if thou's bass causes other drivers' ears to bleed and their cars to vibrate off the road. Or for God Sake just move the hell away from me. I am so happy you had the money to put a large bass speaker in your trunk, but do we all have to suffer? I dont torture you with my Journey CD, dont torture me with whatever foul mouth rapper is popular at the moment.

6/20/07, 4:24 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Thou shalt NOT come to a full and complete stop in the 20 MPH E-Z Pass lanes. The sign says you mayest travel at 20 MPH. Please do so.

6/20/07, 5:07 PM  
Anonymous My Minivan Is Faster Than Yours said...

I love all of your posts, but this one is so stinkin' funny that I was thinking about it today when I was driving! You double rock!!

6/20/07, 5:24 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Wow, the Vatican is way too bored! And SERIOUSLY??? That list is pretty stupid.

Thou shall secure all items in vehicle, or be struck by lightning if said items fly out and hit following vehicles.

Thou shall not put offensive materials on outside of vehicle. (save the nasty stuff for your own bedroom, Pervert!)

Thou shall keep up with the flow of traffic or pull over and let people pass if thine sad little self cannot go faster! (if sad little self has long train of vehicles behind, thou shall be smacked on forehead by steering wheel when rear-ended by angry neighbors)

6/20/07, 5:48 PM  
Blogger Motherhood Uncensored said...

For the record, I'm driving with Mississippi plates.

6/20/07, 6:15 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

I'm stunned that PA has ousted NJ as having the worst drivers in the metro area. (And hey - I lived there and paid the NJ insurance rates.) When I went to school in PA, people literally stopped at the end of highway entrance ramps. Even when there was only a yield sign.

Let my people merge, indeed.

6/20/07, 7:55 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

The particular problems in St. Louis (and some of these have been touched on by previous posters, but, whatever-- people need it said twice here):

Thou shalt use thy blinker at all appropriate times. In particular, thou shalt not casually drift across three highway lanes without using thy blinker.

Thou shalt allow cars to merge from the highway on-ramp in an orderly fashion.

Thou shalt PULL TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD when an emergency vehicle approacheth.

Thou shalt STOP when a school bus sign tells thee to STOP, for little children are not target practice.

I'm sure I could think of six more, but, that would be long enough to post to my own blog . . .

6/20/07, 10:03 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

How about ...

Thou shalt get that stupid air freshener out of thy window?

Oh, and .. uh ... thou shalt not spend all thy time staring at thy beautiful baby in the mirror?

6/20/07, 10:21 PM  
Anonymous Gwen said...

Dear Mom-101,

Thank you for this post and thanks to all the commenters. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I was finally in a puddle of laughing tears when I got to Gingajoy's comment about the "W" sticker and Phoenix's comment about the stick figure names.

6/21/07, 12:10 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I'm with Cathy:

>>If thou canst speaketh on thy phone and drive at the same time, THEN PUT DOWN THE DAMN PHONE!

Especially if you drinketh your latte at the same time.

6/21/07, 3:28 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Joy: Oh YES on the W stickers. Those people get no love from me.

And Wendy, Journey is never torture. Bite thy tongue, woman!

6/21/07, 9:34 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

How about:
Thou shall not honketh at me whilst I wait for a pedestiran to walk across the crosswalk. For I shall wait until the pedestrian has safely left the crosswalk before I maketh my turn.

6/21/07, 9:50 AM  
Blogger soleclaw said...

Thou shalt not, when attempting to maketh a left turn, stop in the middle of the intersection just as the light turns red, preventing thy oncoming neighbors from driving when they have the right of wayeth.

Thou shalt not assume that your daddy's Mercedes makes thou better than me, or that it grants you a "getteth out of stop signs free" card.

LOVE this post! My husband will not believe me when I tell him about the Vatican's commandments.

6/21/07, 10:53 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

I'm still laughing at "...thou selfish doucebag" and "Get off my ass...ith."

6/21/07, 11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If thou are in the left lane and see-ist clear highway in front of thou, and if thou see-ist a vehicle in the only other lane going exactly the same speed as thou, and if thou bothers to look in thou-est rear-view mirror and BEHOLD a long line of cars behind thou -- thou shalt get out of my f@!%king way. Asshat.

6/22/07, 6:47 AM  
Blogger Eva said...

Thou shalt not useth the carpool lane as the speeding 90mph lane.

Thou shalt NEVER place on one's window any type of Calvin lookalike urinating on various objects, car company names or sports teams. EVER.

6/22/07, 11:31 PM  
Blogger kfk said...

Oh MY GOD!!!!!! That was awesome! Thanks for the laugh.

6/23/07, 2:53 PM  
Anonymous Mommy Poppins said...

You may have to live in Lower Manhattan to get this one:

Thou shalt not use your dubiously obtained official car plates to parketh outside of my building in the no standeth-ing zoneth.

Why does my god seem to have a lisp?

6/23/07, 11:18 PM  
Anonymous mrs. q. said...

Hilarious! Extra credit points for using "thou" and "douchebag" in the same sentence.

6/23/07, 11:50 PM  
Blogger Senora Fuerte said...

Thou shalt take the opportunity to merge out from behind a parked car in the third lane immediately when offered. Thou shalt pay attention and not makest me wait while thou botherest to notice that I am being polite and letting thee out. Thou shalt not honk at me when thy time is up and I movest on.

6/27/07, 12:44 PM  
Blogger Jan B said...

...And when I send the rains, the snow and the fog upon the Earth, thou shalt not slow down to 15 miles per hour.

Thou shalt eat at the house of thy brethren, thy father or thy wife and not in thy car ~~ you have lettuce on your gut-shelf.

If thy vehicle be laden with treasures (or trash, boxes, leaves or bags) secure it properly or you will suffer the plagues which are written about in the book of Job.

6/28/07, 9:44 PM  
Blogger Shawn said...

OK, I see this is an older blog post, but I couldn't resist... maybe posting this will help extend my lifespan through stress relief. By the way, I'm also in St. Louis and completely agree with the above St. Louisan's posts. And if you think PA drivers are bad, get behind someone with Illinois plates sometime - we call them FIBs here (F**king Illinois Bastards) if that gives you any idea.
My commandments of driving:

- Though shalt never come to a complete stop on a highway on-ramp.

- Though shalt use they blinker whenever thou leavest thy lane of travel. Always, even if there's no cars around... you need the practice.

- If thou is foundest to have not used a blinker at a 4-way stop with multiple cars present, thou shalt be subjected to a public ass-beating when thou unexpectedly turneth in front of me.

- Those who have reached the venerable ages of 60 and over shalt enjoy a complete and mandatory driving test every other year.

- Thou shalt remove thy vehicle from the road at the first sign of trouble, and not when thou hast come to a complete stop in the middleth lane of the highway.

- Thou shalt never enter an intersection when thou canst not proceed due to stopped cars on the other side. Thou shalt be beaten if foundeth in an intersection after the light changeth.

- Thou shalt not use thy rear view mirror as a hanger nor thy bumper as a billboard. Keep your crap in your closet and your opinions on the internet.

Shoo, I feel so much better now! If only we could make these legal...

7/9/07, 12:17 PM  

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