Petroleum jelly, sushi...same difference

Wisecracking moms-to-be on your favorite network sitcom: pure fabrication. As if you needed any more evidence that tv writers are overpaid. (Unless Nate gets a job writing sitcoms. In which case they are sorely, grossly underpaid and I will fight to the death anyone who dares contradict me.)

Pregnant women are funny, of course, but not because they're quick-witted. For nine months, I could no longer verbalize my thoughts in any sort of cohesive fashion; snappy comebacks were always just out of reach. While an unwashed catcaller might normally be sent away with, “I hope someone is saying the same thing to your mother right now,” what comes out of the mouth of the pregnant woman is something more like, “bad...man...bad...”

I spent the better part of my bedrest compiling the more amusing questions off pregnancy message boards in a futile attempt to make myself feel smarter. Share in my schadenfreude:

• Is it okay to use Vaseline while I’m pregnant?
• Help! I was with my mom who is using Ben-Gay and I accidentally took a sip of her water and it was on her glass and I got some in my mouth. I’m 10 wks...did I hurt
  my baby?
• I ate a cranberry muffin this morning and got a HUGE sugar rush. Is my baby okay?
• I read if you go to a loud horror movie or concert the baby could kick so hard he could break a rib...i want to go to the movies but nervous.
• My husband bought one of those "body fat" scales a few days ago and I've been getting on it a few times a day and lamenting the numbers. But now I just read the instructions that said that it is not for pregnant women and now scared that the electric current somehow harmed my baby.
• Pg in 1st trimester, just had 15 min cell phone conversation, bad?
• Husband just bought me a poppyseed roll. Any reason I should be concerned about consuming the large qty. of poppyseeds? Because I really want it....

And my personal favorite:

• I know you’re not supposed to get x-rays but what about regular cameras? Is it ok to to have your picture taken?

Answer: No. Sheesh, everyone knows camerals steal your soul.