Epiphanies: Hate 'Em.
Sometimes you have a moment of clarity. In cartoonland it's indicated by a lightbulb over the head. In the real world it's usually indicated by a total breakdown in your shrink's office. Or maybe that's just New York City, where the "realness" of said world is up for debate.
For me the epiphany was marked by an onslaught of unexpected tears after a string of events, any one of which would have been manageable on its own.
Yesterday at work, one of the more lovely women there, a grandmotherly type, made the comment, "you're back here again? That baby of yours isn't going to recognize you!"
I stopped, stunned. I stammered a moment, and babbled something about having a webcam.
Then I called Nate who was at the playground with the baby. He tried to put the phone to her ear but instead of the usual she's smiling at the phone, or she's cooing at the phone, or she's eating the phone, he told me she seemed more interested in watching the other children on the swings. (And who could blame her.)
And then Nate called me at 10 pm New York time, screaming about how a friend's late night phone call woke the baby and how this is NOT ACCEPTABLE and how I need to call her RIGHT THIS INSTANT and yell at her about it. A few moments later he called back and apologized, informing me it had been a difficult day with Thalia since she had spiked a low fever--her first--after her shots that morning.
Her first fever.
Then this morning, as soon as I woke up, I raced to set up the webcam but I couldn't find the usb connector for it. Then I found the connector but my ichat wasn't working. Then Nate's ichat wasn't working. Then it was time for the baby's nap so we tabled the whole thing until later today.
But that's not why my world came crashing down.
I suggested that Nate call the doctor about Thalia's fever, which was apparently the worst thing I could have possibly said in the whole world. Far worse than your mother wears combat boots while sucking on donkey balls and voting republican.
Because my suggestion was met with the response, don't tell me how to do my job.
Which sounds to me a whole lot like, that's not your job.
Which sounds a whole lot like, your job is there, in LA. Your job is writing commercials and flying around the country and going to meetings and ordering room service and being glued to your laptop and did you hear the phrase "take care of your baby" in that list? Yeah, that's what I thought.
And then I cried.
Because I really don't care about my hotel. I don't care that the soap is smelly or the sheets are ugly or that valet is incompetent. I'm not some sort of high-maintenance corporate bitch diva, although I think I've been doing a reasonably good impression of one this week.
But it's easy to be angry with a hotel. It's hard to be angry with yourself.
For me the epiphany was marked by an onslaught of unexpected tears after a string of events, any one of which would have been manageable on its own.
Yesterday at work, one of the more lovely women there, a grandmotherly type, made the comment, "you're back here again? That baby of yours isn't going to recognize you!"
I stopped, stunned. I stammered a moment, and babbled something about having a webcam.
Then I called Nate who was at the playground with the baby. He tried to put the phone to her ear but instead of the usual she's smiling at the phone, or she's cooing at the phone, or she's eating the phone, he told me she seemed more interested in watching the other children on the swings. (And who could blame her.)
And then Nate called me at 10 pm New York time, screaming about how a friend's late night phone call woke the baby and how this is NOT ACCEPTABLE and how I need to call her RIGHT THIS INSTANT and yell at her about it. A few moments later he called back and apologized, informing me it had been a difficult day with Thalia since she had spiked a low fever--her first--after her shots that morning.
Her first fever.
Then this morning, as soon as I woke up, I raced to set up the webcam but I couldn't find the usb connector for it. Then I found the connector but my ichat wasn't working. Then Nate's ichat wasn't working. Then it was time for the baby's nap so we tabled the whole thing until later today.
But that's not why my world came crashing down.
I suggested that Nate call the doctor about Thalia's fever, which was apparently the worst thing I could have possibly said in the whole world. Far worse than your mother wears combat boots while sucking on donkey balls and voting republican.
Because my suggestion was met with the response, don't tell me how to do my job.
Which sounds to me a whole lot like, that's not your job.
Which sounds a whole lot like, your job is there, in LA. Your job is writing commercials and flying around the country and going to meetings and ordering room service and being glued to your laptop and did you hear the phrase "take care of your baby" in that list? Yeah, that's what I thought.
And then I cried.
Because I really don't care about my hotel. I don't care that the soap is smelly or the sheets are ugly or that valet is incompetent. I'm not some sort of high-maintenance corporate bitch diva, although I think I've been doing a reasonably good impression of one this week.
But it's easy to be angry with a hotel. It's hard to be angry with yourself.
posted by Mom101 at 11:40 AM
74 Comments:
Do you love your job? Do you love your family? If so, then I believe there is a way you can make this work. Although there will be times when one will suffer, but it will most likely be your sanity than Thalia.
My solution: Hire to me to be your high-maintenance corporate bitch back-up to fly around and stay at crappy hotels. I'd be very good at that. :)
I'm sorry. That pull of mother and career woman is tough and I can imagine how it feels. For me it is like a huge anvil sitting on my chest.
I'm going back to work full-time in a few weeks, leaving my 7 month old. This is the type of thing I worry about, exactly.
If you write commercials as well as you BLOG then you are very good at what you do because I feel like I am hearing all the things that a baby does from you from a mom who loves her baby very much! We don't even know each other. Meaning that you are also a very "HANDSONMOM" pun intended!
You know how I feel??? if you gave all of that up and stayed home then the question would be "Could you be the best mom you could be?"
You could continue working and ask yourself "Could you be the best mom you could be?"
Either way you will question yourself, just like every time you will discipline her you will know that she will be in therapy as an adult (but like you said thats a New York gimme) I question all that you do, but from a SAHM standpoint.
You definitely need to set those guidelines with Nate that no co-parent is allowed to hit below the belt EVER!
although my hubby and i have done it a million times.....perhaps I should have said Welcome to parenthood it's a lovely place to be isn't it?
I know how you feel. Although my job is slightly less demanding (not as much travel at all) but it's full time for SURE! The other day my cousin's teacher (long story I'll post on my blog laster) told me that we were doing a great job at working on my daughter's development and she was advanced. Before I could say anything, my mom said...."Thank You! I try" me - *blank stare* *blink* *blink* guess I got nothin to do with that...except maybe a gene or two. =\
I don't care how lovely that woman may be (and I may have missed sarcasm on your part), she's a bitch. I really want to use a much more offensive word. Actually, I really want to beat the shit out of her and scream at her that there are very few things she could have said that would have been more cruel.
Thalia is a baby. It's OK that she's not interested in the phone every time you call. It's not a reflection on you at all.
Your friends are probably still getting used to the fact that they cannot call at the hours that they used to. I know it took Kyle's family a while to get that idea, especially given the 3 hour time difference.
Nate is with Thalia all day, every day. It's stressful - for a mommy, for a daddy, for a paid caregiver - to deal with little people for hours upon hours. It messes with your head. I've done it - as a mommy and as a paid caregiver. I know.
You and Nate are doing the best that you can. Maybe it's time to take a look at making some changes, or maybe it's just time to remind yourself of the undoubtedly good reasons that you have for the course of action you're pursuing.
I support you wholeheartedly regardless. I know how hard it is, no matter what course of action you pursue.
It's hard to be away, it's hard to be there all the time. Being a mom isn't an easy thing. Keep your chin up and try and take long, deep breaths when these storms kick up. ;)
My heart goes out to you...this kind of stuff totally blows. And really, the thing is that there is no perfect answer. If there were, we'd all be doing it.
Is most of your work in LA? Or is it just that right now it's in LA? Cause, you know, maybe moving to LA would be an answer.
But really, yeah, be mad at the hotel. Tip big when you leave, and they'll forgive you.
Good luck. Hope things get better very soon.
There's no easy answer when it comes to this. Working is hard. Raising a family is hard. Being away is hard; being there all the time is hard. It's difficult to strike a balance.
Chin up. You're doing a great job.
Tough day for sure. Hard on him because he's dealing with a sick babe (and btw, not unusual for a wee one to have a little temper after shots) and hard on you to be apart from the ones you love.
Unfortunately, "we always hurt the ones we love" is around for a reason. They are the the most convenient target. And you feel safe and comfortable to the point where you don't put the filter in there that you do for most of the rest of the world.
You get through it the best way you can. He has to understand how difficult it is for you to be away and you have to understand how much he misses you and how difficult it is for him to feel he's holding down the fort. You're both doing important jobs right now.
Hang tough, kiddo. Hope crying it out made you feel a little better.
Sometimes it's just a matter of perspective. Sometimes it's just a matter of PMS. Whatever it is for you, just remember that you are FAR better off in the world having someone to love and miss as much as you do Thalia. She's a lucky, lucky bunny to have you as a mom and Nate as a dad. (By the way, my Hubby's name is Tate. I don't suppose your name rhymes with Wendy?)
We had that argument here back when my husband was a SAHD. It sucks. Big hugs to you.
Awww, that sucks. In so many ways, that sucks. I have *so* been there, and giving up control of doctor's appointments for the boys was one of the very last straws for me. So very hard, because I have control issues to begin with, and they're my babies, dammit, and yes you may be their father but I'm their MOTHER. Oh yes.
Will you throw something at me if I tell you it gets easier? I'll duck, just in case. But it does - get easier, I mean.
Oh sweetie, I know how you feel. It's hard to be away from your family, but you are doing the best you can. You are still Thalia's mom and no one can ever take away that bond, even if dad stays home with her. Don't beat yourself up so much. A happy mommy is a happy baby is a happy family!!
That was one thing on top of the other and you were bound to reach your breaking point. Distance is hard for communication no matter how many ways we do it. I am sure you a great mom!
To cheer you up, I put a commercial on my site today. Not a good one. (Gee I hope you didn't work on it or I'll feel like a real heel.)
liz, let me reassure you that whatever your (or his) work status, you would be having this conversation--we seriously ALL DO. "suggestions" at certain times (i.e. when you have dealt with a crabbyish infant all day) will be taken as "you don't know what you're doing.."
take solace from the fact that (like all of us struggling through this parent thing) you guys are as normal as the rest of us.
and i wish you guys lived closer (actually, i wish *I* lived closer) so you could witness the same dynamic at chez ginga, and then get sloshed comparing notes.
don't be so hard on yourself.
I am not taking sides here, but I have been you and I have been Nate and both sides suck.
I know when I was the "Nate", I would freak when my husband would say "Dont you think we should call the doctor?" because it made me feel like I was a failure at the parenting job, which is the most important thing I do. It didnt help that his saying it just verbalzed what I was already thinking, making me want to say, "I was already thinking that because I already knew that was what he needed because I am the MOTHER AND I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I DO, OK???"
I have mellowed, somewhat, after alomost 10 months back at work, but I still second guess myself every day.
I am AT HOME with my kids and still feel like a failure as a mom, on a regular basis.
My mom was the only working mom on the block when I was growing up, and she was GOOD at her job. She took a lot of crap from the other moms on the street, but did well as a nursing instructor at a local college.
I am SO HAPPY she stuck with it, even if it meant we spent a lot of time at the babysitter's house, getting beat up upon by her kids. We still turned out okay, and my mom is still working, even after her retirement. She LOVES what she does.
Now I'm sitting here, dreaming about working. I've HAD to stick at home with my boys, their special needs have made it a little harder for me to do other things. It's hard for me to even find babysitters for them, people I trust.
My hubby and I have a dream, though. That when he retires from the army in three years that I could go back to work and HE stay home with the boys. I think he'd do a better job at parenting than I have, too. I'm not kidding about that, either. I just have NO CLUE what I would do for actual pay after being out of work for so long.
This has to be very frustrating for you. I don't fully understand, but I sympathize with your feelings. Parenting is NOT an easy job, nothing like what I read in those books I have long since thrown away. UGH!
Hang in there. I absolutely LOVE coming to check out your blog. You are an amazing person. I have fun checking out your blog, reading about a life so totally different from my own. ;)
I'm sure that once you're "back home" you will feel better. Everything is intensified with the distance. Your feelings are normal, which doesn't make them easier, but you're not alone.
I have totally done to my husband what Nate did to you regarding the doctor-- the "Don't try to tell me what to do here because I work my butt off taking care of this kid all day and this is my job and I've read up on these things and I know way more about our child than you do and you're almost never here anyway so you have no idea what you are talking about and so I WILL DECIDE what is best because I KNOW, okay?" thing.
It's awful and I feel awful now just thinking about doing that to him, about undermining his confidence as a father.
(When Isaac was very small my husband really was almost never here-- he worked three jobs so I could stay home until he finally got a better full-time position-- I felt like a single parent. Only I got to stay home and all my bills were getting paid by a fairy godperson).
And of course when I had that reaction to his advice, it was just because I really was worried all the time about whether I really was making the right decisions and whether I was being a good parent, and because I missed my husband, and no matter how much I told myself that he was making major sacrifices and doing a great thing for our family by working so hard, it was still hard not to resent his absence.
It's hard work caring for a baby; it's even harder when day in and day out you don't have any adults around to give you a bathroom break once in a while, or even just talk to you for five minutes to help you keep your sanity.
But it's just as hard having to stay away from the people you love most in order to take care of them.
My advice is: just remind yourself over and over again how good Thalia really does have it in this family. She has two parents who love her and love each other. She has enough to eat, plenty of clothes, books, and toys, and a solid roof over her head. And one of her parents gets to stay home with her full time.
She has all of these things because of you. You are making this possible.
How many babies have all of those things anymore?
Oh, don't, don't, DON'T cry! I have sympathetic tear ducts.
Whoops, too late.
I can't say it any better than those before me have said it. So I'll settle for giving you a cyber-hug:
((((((Liz))))))
and telling you that whatever role you play in Thalia's life is an important one. If it's the stay-home-and-physically-tend-her role, it's important. If it's the go-out-and-make-the-much-needed-money-to-keep-her-in-diapers role, it's important.
And to her, whatever you choose will be her normal life. You are telling her what is normal. And BTW, you are a hell of a mom; the reason being that you think about this stuff, nay, agonize over this stuff, that it matters to you so much.
That's mothering.
Also, amen to the heart-to-heart with Nate about hitting below the belt. That was harsh.
Oh shit girl, I feel for you. The joys of being a working mom. Just know he's probably frustrated too. And it's ok to cry about it. But know that she will always know you, no matter what some old lady says. Hugs.
I'm feelin' for you big time.
Working is hard. Staying home is hard...full time, part time, whatever. We have all been there in some capacity. Guilt just sucks. I'm sure once you are home, you will feel better. I sympathize with you. I really do.
hey mom101, you've had a bad day. Hope tomorrow is a better one, that the creative juices flow and that you speed home to your family.
Cyber knid thoughts coming your way.
you can choose to take things personally, or remember that sometimes shit happens and people bitch, and sometimes... they bitch at you. and that's okay... i'm guessing nate was less focused on criticizing you/challenging your rights as a mother than you were focused on your guilt for not being there to attend to thalia in the first place.
you're not a terrible wife. you're not a terrible mom. you are loving, giving, and, from what i can tell, pretty fucking talented, which is why you're the one criss-crossing the country to keep food on the table! my god, woman, go back and re-read your wonderful posts about "feminism". you and nate decided upon a course that made excellent sense for your family--sometimes he's gonna resent you, sometimes you're gonna resent him. and that's okay.
stop blaming yourself and/or feeling sorry for yourself. you kids will have lots of arguments over who should be doing what... and when they should be doing it. that's part of the fun of marriage/raising children. i guess the bottom line is this: would you really be happy/fulfilled if things were the other way around? my guess is...no. and that's okay, too. : D
that was supposed to be a "happy face", but apparantly i messed that up, sorry! : D
(seriously, i hope you don't let this keep ya down for too long... and that you remember that as soon as you get back home, you really will feel better! and, nate will, too... and, for the record? none of this ever mattered to thalia in the first place!) ^_^
I am feeling you through your post. I am so sorry to hear about that day. Fever's suck and Nate is just being territorial - he's likely having a bad day too. No matter how many trips or shoots or meetings or time apart from beautiful Thalia, one thing will not change ... YOU are her mom. You are the one who brought her into the world and you are the one she loves like only a child can love their mother. There is no easy solution and I bet there will be other "rotten days" but she is lucky to have a mom who loves her so fiercely and who can be a role model for humour, intelligence, creativity, resilance and so much more. Hang in there.
Oh man. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Balancing work and children is so hard. I had similar feelings when I went back to work. It's awful. I ended up cutting back to part-time because I couldn't take it. I hope you feel better soon.
When I was working and husband was home with kid, this scenario happened MANY times. I finally screamed at him: DON'T YOU KNOW THAT MAKING SUGGESTIONS LIKE THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M PART OF THIS PARENTING AND NOT JUST THE WALKING PAYCHECK?
Usually he'd apologize and let me make all the obvious suggestions I could for about 24 hours.
I feel for you, lady. But know this: Thalia will NEVER forget what you look like. You are burned on her brain forever. She even knows what you smell like. There's nobody like Mommy.
Tomorrow will be a better day - for all of you. Be gentle with yourself.
I'm so sorry for your crap crappy day. I can't pretend to know how you feel, because my random stabs at work only take me away from WonderBaby for a few hours at a time, but I can imagine, viscerally imagine, and gah, ick, blech.
So, although I wish that I had something more profound to offer, the only thing that I can think to say is this: your day, those feelings, all of it - it just sucks. No way around it. It just does. And I'm sorry for that, and I hope that it makes a teeny smidge of difference in the level of bleak ickness of the day to know that people out here *are* sorry for that and wish that it weren't so.
ah sweetheart.. it's okay!! you'll be fine and you rock at your job and you DO love it, right? what more could you ask for than loving what you do for work? your kid WILL recognize you and smack that bitch for saying otherwise. i'm sorry you had a rough day. so sorry. but thank you for sharing it with us, so we could make you feel better. lol
Hell, Liz, you sound miserable and I'm sorry. I just want to add my thoughts to that of all these other women who have already been so eloquent here. I'm not up to eloquence right at the moment but it is a universally acknowledged truth that we are often hardest on ourselves. I don't know what the remedy is for that but try and force to the front of your mind the fact that you are doing things for your child in the way that works best for your family circumstances. Rare is the woman who isn't, but we aren't often constant in our realization of that. Scoring own goals and all that.
You are Thalia's mother and are irreplaceable to her.
I hope you feel better reading all these comments. There are so many wise voices here and I wish I had something useful to add. I don't, but I hope they your heart is lightened in some way by them. I'm sorry you've been feeling low.
Oh, Liz. *hugs*
That is all.
Ahem...and I quote..."There is no confusing who the Mommy is, no matter where she works. I promise."
Hugs to you. I've never been in your shoes, so I can't say that I can relate. But if it's half as difficult as I imagine, you get a medal for Mom bravery.
Seriously...the grass is always greener. Yeah, staying home is good. I'm glad I chose it. But there are days that I would give my left arm to be you. KWIM?
Don't take what Nate said to heart. My husband and I have had similar arguments, and usually a reaction like that from me was due to worry and uncertainty about my ability to handle whatever situation was in question. He didn't mean it. I promise.
I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time.
I'm going to ditto what BA said. My husband and I have had very similar arguments... but that doesn't make him any less of a wonderful and caring father. Just like how you, providing for your family, doesn't make you any less of a wonderful and caring mother.
Ahhhh... hang in there! Really-- it was a bad day, right? It'll get better.
And hey, you could be writing computer manuals. ;-)
I am so sorry you had one of those days.
You know that is not the case at all. You are providing for your family and that is just as important as having a parent there for the first fever, the first tooth. I'm sorry you are feeling conflicted, but you are doing your best and that is all anyone expects. You'll make it through this day and the others that follow it!
hang in there mama.
oh, i'm so sorry. (and i'm mad at that tactless woman at work who COULD NOT POSSIBLY be one of the more lovely women there.)
Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. Looks like the bear got cha. Sorry to hear that though. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
If nothing else, my take-home message is this: think before you speak. I'm sure if that woman you work with had any idea how her words slapped you, she'd be moritifed right now.
As the 47th shard of brilliance out there, I say keep trusting yourself. You know you're doing the best you can, and no one can ask for more than that.
i'm sorry, that is just an all around suck-o-matic day... i wish i had pearls of wisdom...
I'm sorry. On days like that you definitely start feeling like you got the short end of the stick. Makes me appreciate my husband's sacrifices so much more.
Your baby will recognize you! You're her mom, she knows who you are and will one day love what you're doing for her.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I wish I could give you advice to make it all better, but I don't have any. It seems mommy guilt is something we can never shake, no matter what choices we make.
But be sure that Thalia knows you're mommy. Kids don't forget that.
My heart goes out to you. Days spent like this take a toll on your spirit. I've been there, far too many times than I'd like to recount. I hope your computer starts functioning soon so you can reconnect with your precious girl. In the mean time, take out your aggression by trashing your hotel room and expensing lots of room service.
I'm very sorry that you are feeling like this. Although, I really don't know what you are going through as I have never experienced being away from my boys since I work from home, the thought of it hurts me.
I'm sure you are a great mom and you are doing this all for her and you are doing the best you can.
Oh dear, I'm sorry. But you know what? MommyGuilt runs through us all and even if you were home and devoting every second to your child, you'd be feeling guilty about something else.
My mother was the breadwinner in our family and traveled a lot for her job when I was growing up. There were times that I missed her, but honestly that was our life and I was used to it. I never resented her for it.
Don't be so tough on yourself, my friend. We all have those rough days where we feel like every decision we've chosen in life is completely wrong...for ourself, our spouse, and our kids. I guess it's part of modern-day parenting. Due to the fact that I trave a lot for work but am the primary caretaker when I am home, I fully empathize with both you and Nate. When things are going shitty, it's hard to put yourself in the other spouse's shoes. I think it's part of working out how the whole spousal relationship changes when kids come along. It's a constant adjustment.
Hope you get home soon and can spend the whole weekend playing with Thalia and hugging her endlessly. Supposed to be a beautiful weekend here in the city. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it!
All the best!
I have no pearls of wisdom to dispense, and after 60 comments, what hasn't been said?
Hang in there, being a mommy is hard. Whether you are the bread winner or the diaper changer. Just love your Thalia, Nate and don't forget to love yourself too.
Maybe it's been said before.........but why not just get a job where you can stay home? I don't mean to sound harsh......I mean, I feel your pain. If I had your job, it would *kill* me. I can't imagine. I just can't. It must be really hard.
I don't mean that to sound harsh......in just the short time I've been reading your stuff, it just seems like this travel stuff takes a really hard toll on you and you seem like such a dedicated mama.
Ohhhhhh. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it'll all be ok. Because it will be ok.
For the at-home parent, any comment--be it from the other parent, a stranger, their mother, etc---can elicit a whole lot of insecurity and defensiveness. And, there are days when John gets home from work and I forget that he has been working---it's almost like I think he has been at a spa all day or, at least, a bar drinking with his friends while I toil away at home cleaning up snot and urine. It always looks greener on the other side.
I just got an email from a SAHM who is homeschooling her two kids and she said she feels guilty that she isn't spending enough time with her girls (!); guilt is everywhere and we all wonder if we are doing 'enough'. You guys have made major sacrifices so that one of you can be home; try to give yourself a break and realize that so many of us would call what you are doing heroic, unselfish and really, really hard.
Oh, and I'm so happy I wasn't the one who called you at 10pm! : )
What Madge and Blog Antagonist said. You are always the momma, that will always be your job. Bad days, unintentionally hurtful comments, or crappy hotels nonwithstanding.
I'm busy composing an adequate response to all of this warmth and compassion and (sometimes) tough love and insight. I don't know if it's possible, but I will attempt it.
But to smarmymama (smarmama? smarma?) - Easier said than done my friend! I don't have a job, I have a career. I am also fortunate that part of the time, I do work from home, which is pretty much unheard of in my field. In fact it's been said that I have the best job in the business. I run the NY office (ie my apartment) of an LA based firm.
The downside of that is, well, it's an LA based firm. Which requires me at times to be there. I also have to shoot commercials, because well, that's what I do. And most commercials shoot in LA or in my case, in Florida. There is no way around this unless someone can contact Karl Rove who controls the weather, and tell him to bring more 70 degree cloudless days to the greater New York area year-round. I am lucky that Nate brings her on the longer trips. But the short ones are tough.
I'm just learning here. Thus, the 101 part of the whole Mom101 thing. I'll get it eventually. I generally do. Bear with me in the meantime.
Mom101- Hang in there! It's so over simplistic to state, but being a mom is SO hard and if it wasn't this it would be something else that was on your mind or blowing up. I have a career too
(point taken) and as one commenter pointed out, these are storms that blow up then quietly go away and life feels as if it is going more smoothly again. Clearly you and Nate have a good thing going on. You'll all be together and feeling better soon. As much as we think differently, I've had professionals tell me its harder on us moms to be away from our kids than it is on them. Hope this makes you feel a tiny bit better.
Someone has to do your job, if you werent wrestling with this issue Nate would be.. only poeple would be giving him weird looks over it. I know it must be hard having to travel frequently and being seperated from your family ((((cyber hugs))))
Balancing a career (not a job but a real career) is so hard when you are also a mom. While I dont travel quite as much as you do, I know how you feel. The short 2 day trips are fine but anything longer and I feel guilty too....does my baby miss me? Will she remember me when I get home? And I even admit that I sometimes get jealous b/c the hubby seems to have such an easy time of it when I am gone.
Just remember, each and every mother in the world must make decisions that are best for her family. It seems that you and Nate have a good thing going and, even though there are tough days, you are making it work. GOOD FOR YOU!
Now, go find that lazy conceirge at the hotel and tell him to bring you a glass of wine and then soak in a hot bath with your wine and call the family at home for a good night kiss. (I am an event planner so I know EXACTLY what you mean about the hotel!)
You are an amazing mother, truly and i'm sure nate didn't mean it. (my hub when he is stressed says the shittiest things, he goes straight for the jugular.)
When I saw you with Thalia I saw an amazing bond. She is so well adjusted and that is a reflection of both of you.
I admire you so much. If you need a hug, call me.
There's nothing I can say that someone else already didn't, so I'll just send you a ***HUG*** because I understand. It's hard being away from them...and it's hard dealing with them when they've got a fever...
Oh shit, I think I've said something just like this to Daddymatic when he was (in his mind) trying to have a conversation about what to do (our sitches are reversed from your and Nate's). I went all over him, bascially saying what Nate said--or at least the way he said it--because all I heard was "blah blah blah all you have to do is stay at home all day and you can't even get this right." It was totally unfair, totally borne out of my own depression and frustration and tiredness of only talking to The Small One, but I did it. Suckerific. I was sorry, and Nate is, too.
I agree with everyone else. You are mama. Forever. She knows you better than she knows herself at this point, and when she sees you, I know she looks at you like she's seeing the face of God. There's no mistaking that, baby.
Feel better. Treat yourself like your favorite elderly relative today (I'm not making a comment about age, I only said it that way because we make special efforts to be nice to our older rellies even when they make us crazy)
Well now...Haven't you struck a cord with many a blogger ? 71 comments??? I just read this yesterday and could not believe all the extra responses you acquired since then. And in no way am I trying to imply that you & I think alike --even though that would be a compliment for me but maybe not so much for you-- but if I were to have chosen a post to reply to; it would have also been one smarmymama (did I spell that correctly?)
I guess it's good that she tried to back pedal with her not trying to "sound so harsh" comment but I'm sorry her comment wasn't received well by me and I do stay at home!! Excellent Response!!
holy shit. I'm fucking #73? WTH is this craziness?
They love you Mom-101 - they really love you.
As do I. That sucks. Your perspective on this is fascinating with the whole SAHD/WOHM thing going on. But really, it just plain sucks.
So much for getting hits off this post. I'll need to post earlier, I see.
I'm sorry I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom but as usual I come up empty handed. I'm sorry, it's sucky but you don't have anything to be angry at yourself about.
Oh Honey. I would make you a big mojito if you were here. I hope you feel better after your cry, I know I always do. But I am sorry that the pain has to be there too.
See, I think balancing a career is one of those important things that we must support. Exactly the way we should support stay-at-home moms. Women don't become scientists, and engineers and other professions that require time away from the family. When they do they are villified. Stay-at-home moms get attacked for just the opposite reasons. The fact is, we NEED to be on the same page and realize that anger and frustration, irritation and feelings of innadequacy are bound to affect us and the job we do as parents. We are not perfect, anyone. Occasionally we are going to project our own feelings of inadequacy onto the thoughts and words of others, and twist them into some semblance of selfhatred. We'll redirect it and bite right back. It's normal, it will pass. You will always do the right thing, whatever it is. Even if you make mistakes, you will make different choices and they will be right ... until they aren't. And so the story goes.
I've been on the giving end of the "...do my job" comment. I'm not sure if this helps, but I know for me it was never meant to hurt, but said in a more "I'm kind of drowning here and I don't want to call attention to it" sort of way.
It's so obvious that you are both wonderful parents. So sorry you had a bad day.
Come sit next to me while I tell you something:
You're fabulous.
And, you're human.
And we're all trying to work it all out, no matter where we are, what we are doing, and who is currently watching the kid.
From the book I'm currently reading about motherhood and evolution and the misunderstood definitions of and expectations surrounding "maternal instinct":
"What does it mean for a woman to have descended from ancestors who spent the Pleistocene (the time span between 1.6 million and ten thousand years agao) trying to gather enough food to stay fed and also obtain enough help from others so that her offspring would survive and prosper? What does it mean to be all these things embodied in one ambitious woman? To be a semicontinously sexually receptive, hairless biped, filled with conflicting aspirations and struggling to maintain her balance in a rapidly changing world?"
It ain't easy. For any of us. And trust me, we all have days - if not excatly like yours - then days painted in the same palette.
Ohhhh, I should have read this post first! Dumb scrolling downwards behavior!
I don't even know you, but if I can tell you're a good mom, I know your daughter and your husband think so, too. I'm sure of it.
You know what you need? Have you ever heard that song, "You Had a Bad Day?" Just keeding.
G
I'm not reading all the comments so sorry if this is just a duplicate comment- Why should you be angry with yourself? For working?
So frustrating. Mom101, right now I am tempted to say that it is compltetly absurd for you to be angry at yourself for working. That money will pay for all the things your baby needs. That is important.
But, I get it. I can understand how you feel. I am all wrecked up inside about having to go back to work in September because like yourself I have a career, one that I like, and that tends to consumes me.
Maybe by then you'll have this all figured out and you can come over and console me...
But at this point, all I have to offer to you is that the money is important. You are doing something important.
Yeah, I know I'm late and probably have nothing new to add here except to say that the stay at-home parents feel like shit about stuff all the time, too. Parenthood is a tough game no matter which angle you approach it from. But I promise you that what you do is equally important in your child's life just like what my husband does is important in his children's lives. Life costs money. You're earning it and supporting a family. Your daughter will grow up with an amazing role-model for a mother. And if you care to know, I grapple with that particular issue myself.
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