Paying it forward with tampons and booze

I got home last night to a most happy of all possible happy emails, explaining that I had somehow, through the miracle of good karma (I held the elevator door open a lot for old ladies this week)--or more likely, random number generators--won one of several scholarships to cover BlogHer expenses courtesy of Johnson & Johnson.


(Did I mention...Whoo!)

Now it just so happens that J&J are the makers of my favorite tampons, brand loyalty that was probably established back when my mom handed OBs out at my birthday party to all of my third grade friends who dunked them in water to watch them expand, laughed until they cried and then plotted my rapid social demise. To this day, some of those girls (hi Tamar) still say, Hey remember that time when your mom gave us all OB tampons at your birthday party?

Good times.

The whole scholarship thing is particularly sweet, what with the sigOth earning zero dollars an hour these days, and two growing children who occasionally need to be fed and watered. But still, I'm all about sharing the love and paying it forward.

I would like to buy five BlogHer attendees a drink and a box of OB tampons.

To enter, leave a comment here and tell me your funniest or most embarrassing grade school story. If you're too embarrassed, tell me the funniest or most embarrassing grade school story that "happened to someone else." You know...that other person. Yeah, her.

For an extra entry, tweet that you love @Mom101 more than bacon.

For fourteen extra entries, write Mom101 is my hero on a public bathroom wall, photograph it and upload it to a flick'r page

For six extra entries write a letter of recommendation about Mom101's hilarious writing and send it to McSweeney's and the publisher of Chronicle books, then post it on stumble upon, and then for an extra two entries explain to me how to navigate stumble upon so I can actually find it.

For 92 extra entries, post a badge on your blog with a picture of my head photoshopped onto Salma Hayak's body.

For 147,005 extra entries and free OBs for life, fly to Alaska, play ding dong ditch at the Palin residence wearing a Mom-101 t-shirt, videotape it and upload it to YouTube.

For one hundred million extra entries, admit that you hate giveaways that demand that you jump through hoops for some $4.99 drugstore item and we'll toast to it together at Blogher.

Seriously I will totally buy five random people a drink at BlogHer. Tampons optional. Tell me an embarrassing grade school story and I'll pick five people at random. Contest ends whenever I feel like it. It will be your job to track me down at the conference though. The party schedule is intense.

But the truth is we'll all have plenty of free drink tickets and like Anissa Mayhew suggested on Twitter, you can always make friends with a Mormon and nab hers.

And hey, thanks J&J. You guys are swell for supporting women bloggers like this. Fist to the chest.

Now I hope I haven't made you totally regret your decision.


Anonymous Rita Arens said...

You just slay me.

7/10/09, 11:05 AM  
Blogger Motherhood Uncensored said...

I'm bringing a preggo. I don't need a DD but I do want her drink tickets.

And I pissed on the floor of the gifted music class in 1st grade.

Ironic, eh.


7/10/09, 11:05 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I might love your mother more than. That was an inspired birthday party.

7/10/09, 11:05 AM  
Blogger Kim Moldofsky said...

Fabulous! Congrats. Where do I get my Mom-101 t-shirt so I can do the ding-dong ditch option and be sure to win?

7/10/09, 11:21 AM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I am laughing so hard, I can't even think straight. Man I would love to see someone play Ding Dong Ditch at the Palin's. I'd give up all my drink tickets and my first born to see that. (what? She's on my last nerve today.)

Okay, I'll try and play. Most embarrassing grade school moment? In first grade we had a sub one day and she was scary. She told us first thing that she believed in silent children and that bathroom breaks were not to be taken until recess. Which hi, Montessori school, she didn't belong there. Anyway, so I start feeling really sick and I raise my hand to tell her and she says, I'm sorry now is not the time for questions. So I lay my head down on my desk and pray for death. At some point she walks over to me to tell me to pick my head up. In that moment of looking up at her, I threw up all over her. Truly, she deserved it. But it was brought up from time to time until High School. I was the girl who puked on a teacher.

Yeah, that's the best I've got. I can has booze now?

7/10/09, 11:27 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

In fifth grade I was a patrol guard - I held out the 'Stop' flag so younger kids could cross at crosswalks. Yeah, dorky, but back then it was cool.

I was late one morning, so I took off running to my crosswalk. The flags back then were on long sticks, and I somehow tripped over it in my mad dash and hit the sidewalk hard. I had to go to the hospital, and they found I had broken my arm.

One cast later, I was returned to finish out the school day. As I walked into class, my teacher made me stand in front of the class and explain how I broke my arm. I couldn't come up with a better story that quickly, so I told the truth and the entire class laughed at me.

(And I love OBs and alcohol. That has to count for something, right?)

7/10/09, 11:45 AM  
Anonymous Susan Getgood said...

What wasn't embarrassing about grade school? Looking back anyway.

I honestly don't remember much about it anymore (selective memory and all that) except my 2d grade teacher's name sticks in my mind. Mrs. Hyde. Totally appropriate, as in "Jekyll and."

Couldn't stand her.

7/10/09, 12:19 PM  
Blogger Andy, Leigh, & Runyan said...

Geography class, six grade, Mrs. Chumbler. The teacher walked out the room for a minute and the class was dead silent. Jay Priddy (yes, I still remember his name and will probably never forget it) turned around and asked in front of the ENTIRE class, "Hey Leigh, why is your chest as flat as your back?" Everyone just died laughing and there are no words to describe my embarrassment level. I was just a late bloomer, and my chest is not as flat as my back now. I found him on Facebook and almost sent him a message, but decided against it. I should do it, shouldn't I??

I am pregnant, so I guess I don't need tampons but I'd take a rain check on the drinks.

7/10/09, 12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In keeping with your period and birthday themes, my most embarrassing moment seems fitting.

How about the 14 year old girl with her period who forgets to flush before the CUTEST BOY IN SCHOOL uses the bathroom at her first boy/girl birthday party.

And THAT, young ladies, was when I discovered the JOY THAT ARE TAMPONS.

Keep the drink - I've gone and made a pitcher of Margaritas at the memory and will soon forget I even entered...

7/10/09, 12:32 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

In 6th grade I:

1) threw up on the school bus

2) farted during a spanish test


3) Everyone started calling me "Butter" because I was so fat that I needed a stick of butter to ease me through a door.

All true stories. What do I win for my pain and suffering?

7/10/09, 12:35 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

I read a story to my class, a story that I had written. It was inspired by my favorite stuffed animal, a blue poodle. The story was about blue dogs that live on the moon. I innocently called the dogs "pukes." I had never heard the word before and thought I made it up.

The rest of the class fell on the floor howling with laughter, while I stood up there clutching my paper and wondering why.

7/10/09, 12:37 PM  
Anonymous Boston Mamas said...

Holy sh*t that was funny. I love you.

Damn, I wish my mom had handed me some OB's right off the bat. Instead she had to use both hands to heft over a package of those humongous Always pads with the giant underwear protecting wings. -Christine

7/10/09, 12:38 PM  
Blogger Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

I have so many of these it is hard to pick one!

Can I do a story from 7th grade, middle school, instead? OK, then: I was late to catch the bus home and someone called my name as I was running to get on. I looked back and smacked right into a pole, in front of the packed school bus. I was too embarrassed to cry or say I got hurt & just sat in silence in the first seat of the bus for the long ride home. Kids imitated me for weeks.

Now I reenact this for my childrens' amusement.

Um, yeah, I'm the person who fell at BlogHer 07 on my way to the Saturday night party and had to walk around with my chin and shoulder bleeding.

7/10/09, 12:45 PM  
Blogger dawn224 said...

In middle school, I thought I was done with my period so I did NOT wear a pad. I DID wear white shorts. That I bled through. Which my mom discovered in the WalMarts. And made me walk around holding her ugly purse over my ass to hide the spot. Make that spots.

7/10/09, 1:14 PM  
Anonymous Linday Lebresco said...

Holy crap that was funny. I really want to have a drink with you so here goes...

I had a 6th grade b-day party & due to head count limitations set by MY social-demise scheming mom, I invited one, not both, of the Swinsky twins (the "nice" one, of course). This twin brought a beautifully wrapped sweater box that I was sure was going to be the Outback Red 10 button henley I was hoping for. If it was a shirt, then clearly it wouldn't have needed the long string hanging out of the back that said "pull here." What do 10 curious 6th grade friends want me to do even though I knew it was a trap? Pull the string (ok, I was as curious as they were). So I did. From the outside nothing appeared to have happened but when I opened the box, there was a barbie doll, hanging with a string noose around her neck, labeled with my name, with all her barbie hair cut short (like mine) and taped to her bush (I sprouted early, what can I say). Luckily the barbie didn't have an OB tampon also taped to her bush when I was the only one at that party that may have actually needed one.

Now those were good times. Rehashing that has caused me to need a drink. So please, pick me :)

P.S. Just saw said twin at 15 year reunion and let's say that kids haven't been real kind to her. Karma's a bitch.

7/10/09, 1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too funny! Great post and congrats!! Seriously though what are you going to do if people start flying to Alaska and posting videos??

7/10/09, 1:47 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Love this!

Gosh, I had so many embarrassing moments that's hard to pick. I'll send my two funniest:

1. I was 11 and sitting in the most boring Social Studies class that ever existed. Mostly because of the boring teacher who droned on and on and never made anything interesting. All of us kids were sitting at those BIG wooden desks. The kind that you could actually open and put all of your books in. To entertain myself, I decided to hook my hands over the top of the desk while simtultaneously hooking my feet at the bottom of the desk and tipping the chair forward. All of a sudden, without warning, the chair slipped forward and due to all of the "hooking" I simultaneously fell forward and pulled the ENTIRE desk on top of me. It made a HUGE crash and actually woke up a couple of the kids sleeping. I was mortified--and amazingly not hurt. The teacher BARELY looked up from her boring presentation to ask if I was OK and without missing a beat continued to drone on about the Sumerians.

My other even more embarrassing moment. On my first double date in early high school and was sitting in the back seat with a boy that I'd had a crush on for years. At some point during the evening I thought it'd be a good idea to brush my hair. Why? I have no idea. Anyhow,I pulled out my brush without looking and started brushing the side of my hair that was facing him. I noticed that the brush didn't feel like it was going through my hair as usual and turned to look and noticed that there was a HUGE maxi pad stuck to the brush and I could NOT get it off. MORTIFIED. Just what every young boy wants to witness.

See why I need OBS?! ;-)

7/10/09, 2:54 PM  
Blogger Cagey said...

I began wearing glasses in the 1st grade. In the 70s. Isn't that embarrassing enough?

I thought so.

This will be my first non-pregnant, non-breastfeeding BlogHer. I will need ALL of my drink tickets, that much is for damned sure.

7/10/09, 2:59 PM  
Anonymous Stacy said...

You are too fucking funny. That writeup was flawless in pitch, demeanor AND rhythm. You should think about a career in advertising, ya know? xoxo

(P.S. Unspeakably sad I won't be at BlogHer. So annoyed work is taking me elsewhere that week.)

7/10/09, 3:08 PM  
Blogger April said...

score for you :-) wish i were going to BlogHer, but alas, no sponsor here. have an awesome time!

7/10/09, 5:20 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

I was an "extra" - one of the kids in the marching band - in a local high school's production of "The Music Man" in fourth grade. One night, my friends were sitting in the front row watching me and snickering. I totally broke character and made faces at them. Unfortunately, in doing so, I got too distracted to notice the curtain was coming down. My sister - also in the band - was furious whispering at me to get my attention. I turned around to see the curtain falling and ran to get behind it so I wouldn't get stuck in front of it all by myself. I ducked under at the last second, but not low enough, and the gorgeous, professional-quality, VERY HEAVY red velvet curtain fell directly on my head, knocking me to the ground. I pulled my head out and sat behind the curtain listening to the whole audience laughing at me, including my friends in the front row. I never wanted to go to school again after that, but my mom made me, and my friends laughed at that for years.

And now I'm so sad remembering that story that I really do need that drink that you might buy me at BlogHer. Sigh.

7/10/09, 6:06 PM  
Blogger illahee said...

sadly i'm not going to blogher. too far away. however...

in sixth grade i was teased mercilessly by a boy named larry. probably because i was the new kid who had just moved across the country. anyway, in the spring, the three sixth grade classes were going to have a baseball tournament and on that day i wore my softball t-shirt/jersey from the previous season. across the chest was the name of the sponsor: larry's amusements. yeah, didn't live that one down until seventh grade and i just ignored the little shit.

7/10/09, 8:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats on the BlogHer scholarship!

7/10/09, 8:09 PM  
Anonymous Dorf's Daughter said...

I was a good girl, a favored child, and a hall monitor in my elementary school. I always played by the rules (except when I beat up Elliot Brownstein in the 4th grade. Because I could), so when I was told that all of the boys entering the hallway had to remove their hats.

A boy refused to take his hat off. I pulled, he pushed. I lunged, he covered his hat with his arms. I won.

He won: he had ringworm. I was punished.

7/10/09, 8:11 PM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

I will not be at BlogHer, sadly, but I don't mind telling an embarrassing story.

Coming in from recess in the third grade and getting lined up to go back to class - my wrap around skirt came completely undone and dropped to the floor. Good times.

7/10/09, 8:51 PM  
Anonymous Julie @ The Mom Slant said...

I so totally love you.

I wet my pants in first grade. Apparently another reason why Kristen and I get along so well.

I don't need tampons or a free drink. Just get yourself to Denver for a visit sometime soon (or better yet, help me brainstorm a way to get to NY for free).

7/10/09, 10:55 PM  
Blogger ElisaC said...

Most embarrassing grade school memory? I killed the class gerbils when it was my turn to bring them home for the weekend.

Also a tragic memory, animal lover that I am.

(And no, I didn't really "kill" them...but they did die on my watch, and it really really sucked!)

7/10/09, 11:16 PM  
Blogger Midwest Mommy said...

That is awesome! Congrats.

Most embarrassing story? Freshman year high school when I burned my bangs off with a curling iron. Literally had 1/4 inches of hair that stood straight up in the front of my hair for over a year. My friends called me Spike.

7/10/09, 11:32 PM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Dude. I am totally doing the Palin thing. Right after I curse the gods that I haven't received ANY sponsors for this BlogHer thingy cuz I NEEDS TO GET A DRINK there. And right now? My drinking $ is $0.54.

7/11/09, 2:53 AM  
Blogger MindyMom said...

Nice title. These comments are so funny! And your mom? Wow - can't believe she did that.

I'm not going to BlogHer :( but here's my story anyway:

I was pretty much embarrassed throughout elementary and middle school by my single father always trying to pick up my teachers. Ugh.

7/11/09, 9:36 AM  
Blogger Jolly Mom said...

Liz-It was really great to meet you at the Design Summit!

My only question is--if I win the drink and box of OB's--does that guarantee my entry into BlogHer even if I don't have a ticket? If so, then I am in! ; )

7/11/09, 12:23 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

I don't need a drink from you. Cuz I plan on plying YOU with liquor in the hopes of drunkenly fondling you later on in the night.

But because I love you so, I will share with you my very most embarrassing school memory, which happened to take place in grade school.

It was grade three and I was the new kid on the playground. It was winter and I was trussed up like a snowman between the parka, snowpants, scarf, mitts and toque. It was cold. There was a little girl who I was dying to be friends with (Jennifer Ben*** may she rot in hell) and she urged me to stick my tongue to the metal swing pole.

Common sense kicked in and I refused but she persisted and soon enough my damn tongue was stuck to that pole.

I couldn't get it off. I started crying as Jennifer and all her evil little friends gathered around me and my tongue to point and laugh and heckle.

One of the teachers noticed my dilemma and ran to the school to get some warm water to release my tongue as all the other kids chanted "Tanis is a loser!" while I slobber ran down my chin and tears streaked my face. (I honestly thought I was going to lose my tongue permanently and was in full fledged panic mode.)

I started to freak right the f*ck out and in a moment of sheer horror...I PISSED MY PANTS. While my tongue was still stuck to the pole.

The bloodthirsty little children laughed their asses off and as shame burned through me I decided to RIP my tongue off the pole instead of waiting for the teacher and I bled from my mouth all the way into the bathroom where I refused to come out from the stall.

The school ended up having to call my parents and my brother had to walk my urine soaked, bleeding and broken tongued-self home.

I was known as Pissy Pants Tanis or Tanis The Tongue for the rest of grade three.


7/11/09, 3:58 PM  
Blogger Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

BlogHer is way too far away from Bosnia to get to - and I don't have an embarrassing grade school story (at least one that I am going to fess up to). BUT, I do have 2 small children who were told by their FATHER that Mummy keeps sweeties in her tampons and therefore (with their laser like ears, unable to hear me screeching NOOOOOOOO at high decibels right next door to their ear drums but which can still hear the opening of a chocolate bar at 400 paces) appear in the bathroom as soon as I unwrap one.

I am longing for some private time to not get involved in the 'leave mummy alone - it is not a sweet - Daddy wasn't telling the truth - no I don't want you to leave the bathroom so I can eat the chocolate in peace, but I do want you to leave so I can do other, more important things in peace' conversation.

My husband will be made to pay. Any ideas for revenge GLADLY welcome.

Have a great time!

7/11/09, 4:01 PM  
Blogger LaVonne said...

You know, I took a short break from reading the blog. But the word tampons brought me back. You sucked me in. I don't regret it. I just had to LOL (don't you just hate that? LOL?!) hey, and btw, I just won a $100 Amazon GC! Giveaways rock! ;)

7/11/09, 6:31 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Mwa haha!

Sadly, I'm not going to BlogHer, but I'll still share my totally embarrassing story, just for fun.

The weekend before I was supposed to start 5th grade at a new, private school, my parents sent me out onto the deck to start the grill. The propane grill. I tried, turning on the propane, but it didn't work. So I went back inside for directions. Then I came back out and pressed the red "start" button, with the lid open, after the propane had been on for about 5 minutes. The resulting blast blew me across the our deck, and burnt my eybrows completely off, as well as burning my hairline back about 2 inchess.

Let me tell ya, I made an AWESOME impression the next Monday, when school started.

Hope you all (lucky, lucky!) people enjoy BlogHer!

7/12/09, 3:16 AM  
Blogger Miss Grace said...

I peed my pants at 6th grade science camp, and your blog is the first hundreds of people I've ever told.

7/13/09, 1:34 PM  
Blogger Miss Grace said...

Also: http://twitter.com/grace134/statuses/2617383201

7/13/09, 1:35 PM  
Blogger La Petite Belle said...

awwww I wish I was going to blogher! how did you get sponsored? that sounds great! congratulations and enjoy it!

7/14/09, 8:19 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

La Petite Belle it's not a sponsorship as much as a scholarship. I just entered a contest. Neat-o, huH?

7/14/09, 8:47 AM  
Blogger Eleanor Q. said...

In elementary school, I took my sweatshirt off because I was hot and I just wanted to wear the T-shirt that I had on underneath. I was sitting there doing my work when suddenly I felt very cold. I look down and realized that I had taken off both shirts by accident and had been sitting shirtless in class for 10 minutes.

7/14/09, 3:08 PM  
Anonymous Sherean @ Random Neural Firings said...

I'm always looking for inspired birthday party themes-- I think I just found my next one! Seriously though, makes you wonder what goes through a parent's mind when they do something like that. Are you planning a re-enactment at one of your girls' future birthday parties? You know, to keep the tradition going.

7/16/09, 11:34 AM  

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