Presenting The Spam Awards!

I don't get a whole lot of spam on Mom101. The occasional 8700 word punctuation-free diatribe of nonsense from an IP in Nigeria may stumble through the cracks, or some amateur asshat SEO type trying to get the CELL PHONE SHOP keyword on thirty different posts. Otherwise, pretty quiet.

But on Cool Mom Picks, since we started accepting comments - hoo boy, am I privy to a whole new world. Over 1900 snagged in the last two weeks. 20% of them from one guy.

Evidently spammers no longer write AHOY FOR YOU PRETTY STARFISH EAT CRAZY MUNGBEAN SUNSET BREAKFAST TIME which is fairly easy to spot (unless you're moderating comments off your iPhone from an opium den somewhere). Now the likes of Rosalva Brinkman and Ragnarok Zeny post comments that seem nearly authentic. The kinds of things you just might overlook:

Well, the post is actually the freshest on this laudable topic. I concur with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your future updates. 

It's almost as if they're counting on bloggers to 1) not notice or 2) be so desperate for warm fuzzies in their comments, that they'd be happy to leave it up; despite the fact that it is on a post about upscale eco-friendly baby cribs, links to a discount Viagra site in the Philipines, and is signed by a fellow named Gaylord Aliberti.

Um, here's a hint, Gaylord: If we're in the market for baby cribs, we probably don't need Viagra.

That's when I realized, spammers work hard!

They are easily the most underappreciated writers on the internet, sure to leave a literary legacy that far surpasses any of our own.  The provide an endless source of both enjoyment and annnoyance, a seeming contradiction generally reserved for our own children. And that's saying something.

So while I'm completely uninterested in the whole idea of blog awards, especially those determined by popular vote ("Wait, so that's the funniest blog ever? Or the blog that hired the most monkeys to sit at a keyboard clicking the radio button next to 'funniest blog' once a day, every day for three months?") I think it would be just dandy to solicit entries for the Blog Spam Awards. Brought to you by FREE IPAD and EARN MONEY ONLINE NOW.

I'm imagining nominees like:

Best Use of an Adjective as a Noun, or Noun as and Adjective, or Something Else That's Not Entirely Clear

Gucci is well-known for its high-end products,which are luxury and sexy.

I follow your master skill which gives many enjoyment

Various for writing about this. There’s very a bit enormously tech data on the internet. 

Hrmm that was weird, my heart comment acquired eaten. 

Most Enjoyable Mispeling 

Nothing like the nice hefty but of a girl

This is very good article, I am very interested in its topic and to rid them was a pleasure. 

Thank you for composting about this

Poor kid cant even spell proper right. Tsk tsk tsk... 

I will be back for the next installment although sum of these comments are killing me.

Most Unintentionally Wise

 I opine that to get the credit loans from creditors you must present a good reason.

The raw attraction moves execute amazingly effectively to attract the other sex.  

I wish more people would take the time to get some sort of self defense product like a Taser. They are easy to use and could protect you. 

Don´t ever give up and make your personal thing!

Gotta getcher lovin before tey start crumblin, thats what I've heard anyway.  

Most Transparently Flattering

I like the way you write. Your style is very smooth and I enjoy reading your posts. I'm headed to the dentist but will be back later 

Yo, like the article, keep the feeling going.

you look like a million dollars.you lood outstanding.

I just passed this onto a colleague who was performing a small investigation on that. And he really bought me lunch mainly because I discovered it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!

hello, superb awesome assembled article.

You write very detailed. Pay tribute to you.

I should say, this is not a horribly written piece. i honestly do not know why this obtained a 0.

Best User Name that is Clearly Not a Real Person

Wilford Achile

Sprzedaz Biznesu 

Jesus D. King 

Louie Vuitton

Skin Fungus

Carpet Cleaning Long Island


Prizes: The winner in each category gets a free link to the non-porn website of their choice (no-follow link only, sorry) on a site with a 2 google page rank, a case of Spam(R), and a punch in the face.

Any other categories we should consider? What's the best spam comment you've seen?


OpenID mommybyday.com said...

I am sooo naming my next dog "Gaylord". That is an awesome name.

"Skin Fungus": lol!

(No memorable spam here. I *almost* feel like I'm missing out. =)

6/30/10, 10:23 AM  
Anonymous Rita Arens said...

Your name is Gay Focker?

Thanks for making my morning!

6/30/10, 10:31 AM  
Anonymous Bill said...

I'm totally saying "I follow your master skill which gives many enjoyment" to my wife the next time we, uh, well, you know.

6/30/10, 10:35 AM  
Anonymous Mir said...

Fuckmeat? Nice. My recent favorite is Modesto Hoogenhorn.

Maybe there needs to be a category for the comment that's most insulting? I get a lot of "You are completely wrong on this topic my brother, recent studies have shown very different results" kinds of things.

6/30/10, 10:36 AM  
Anonymous Tony said...

Since I switched my wife's site to Disqus comments over a month ago, she's had no spam. Before that, some days she had hundreds. Most of them were caught by "Spamtask", but it was still annoying.

Of course if you switch to Disqus, you'll lose a recurring topic. :)

6/30/10, 10:43 AM  
Blogger Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Your spam is making me horny.

Oh, baby.

6/30/10, 10:47 AM  
Anonymous dusty earth mother said...

Hilarious! I would say more, but i have to go to the dentist now.

6/30/10, 10:49 AM  
Anonymous Pammer said...

I'm gonna be laughing on conference calls about "Fuckmeat" ALL DAY LONG.

6/30/10, 10:50 AM  
Anonymous Susan Getgood said...

Alas, lately most of my spam is of the pharmaceutical variety, although your post did send me to my spam folder where I found 2 false positives and this gem:

"Genial dispatch and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you on your information."

And then there's trackback spam, which I recently had a spate of because a blogger had linked to one of my posts about Facebook in the contest boilerplate. And every time they did a contest, I got a trackback. It's been fixed now, but bloggers on the Wordpress platform need to remember that if they link to another blogger on Wordpress, the default is for the trackback comment to go merrily on its way.

6/30/10, 10:57 AM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I just tend to delete mine without even reading it. Half the time it's all weird code.

However, I do have a spam-ish person who tweets at me about twice a day. She/He/It gives me these lovely tid bits of awesome: "ur body iz more xhausted then u think n ur mind iz wide awake...I go thru it everytYme mii alarm"

Then I get to play decode the tweet.

6/30/10, 11:04 AM  
Blogger Still Blonde after all these YEARS said...

I am still laughing about "Brought to you by FREE IPAD...."
Sorry gotta go invest my winnings from the IRISH lottery

6/30/10, 11:15 AM  
Anonymous RookieMoms Heather said...

I need to award the spammer from last week who literally copied My Own Comment from above and pasted it in (on a year-old post). I approved it and mistook him for my soulmate for about 5 minutes. Before feeling violated.

6/30/10, 11:23 AM  
Anonymous Liza said...

Can we have a hyperlocal category?

I get hyperlocal spam on my university email account, and I could not be more thrilled about having a new venue in which to complain.

Once a month, I get spam from a "pole dancing class" establishment called Miss Pole, with locations in Kenosha, New Berlin, and Madison, Wisconsin. I've emailed, CALLED, and complained on their Facebook fan page, asking to be removed from their mailing list.

Of course, since they are SPAMMERS and inherently evil, this doesn't actually work.

(Just to be clear: If you are someone who wants to take Pole Dancing or are a Pole Dancing Professional, that's your choice. I object to getting adult entertainment spam. If I were LOOKING for such a class, I have complete confidence that I could find it without the spam.)

6/30/10, 12:02 PM  
Blogger AlyGatr said...

"Thank you for composting...", that is my favorite! I have a post on my blog that I wrote 6 months ago about decorating my Christmas tree. It's about as mundane as you can get, but for some reason, it started getting spammed about 3 months ago and at least once per month gets the same weird, totally random links to all sorts of different products. I back trace them and none of them are from the same person. I still have no idea what is attracting the spammers to a post titled "The Elves Have Been Busy". If they were Lord of the Rings fans, then maybe!

6/30/10, 12:12 PM  
Anonymous Melissa (@adventuroo) said...

oooh and the Spam Awards could be sponsored by - wait for it - SPAM, that "meat" stuff.

I get many of the same ones as you. I've deleted them all so can't remember the real doozies.

I can, however, remember that someone found my blog by googling "pictures of little 10 year old boys fattening up over time quickly in timeframes"

Can I get a WTF?

6/30/10, 12:33 PM  
Anonymous average girl said...

Ha! I would write a reponse the likes of your spam-artists, but I don't want to get flagged...fabulous!

6/30/10, 1:04 PM  
Blogger C (Kid Things) said...

You have to appreciate a comment, spam or not, from Fuckmeat. That's some good stuff.

6/30/10, 1:50 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

I say you brilliant go for this to store and wonderful Liz words from your mind! You to win for outspeak on so many thoughts that keep it wonderful with words! Mom101 to win award best to fire with new bewonderments!

Thankyou very good for this snack to for funny so much ha!

6/30/10, 2:34 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

aka, I love you for this post so much the end.

6/30/10, 2:35 PM  
Anonymous Dad Gone Mad said...

This is in my spam file right now:

"russian women marriage dating nude."

So yeah. Killer idea, Gaylord.

6/30/10, 2:45 PM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

Yesterday I got a spam comment that read "I was walking by the internet when I happened to find your blog."

I chortled. Just walking by, huh?

6/30/10, 3:17 PM  
Anonymous Best Boob Jobs in Texas said...

Jordan Retro #s 4 - 13 misses Alexis Bldel, which was somehow inspired by my post on vaginas. But he also imparts blessings upon me, so I somehow can't complain.

Puma just left me a note asking me how often I go to the movies, which should be obvious if Puma took the freaking time to read my blog before he commented.

And God love those 4000 people trying to give me advice about a home loan.

I'm trying not to take it personally.

I sort of wish for the days when people were willing to tell me how to make it last all night long in completely messed up nonsensical sentences.

6/30/10, 3:46 PM  
Blogger Esther Crawford said...

This post made me smile + nod the whole time I was reading it.

6/30/10, 4:02 PM  
Blogger caramama said...

I can't believe I would ever regret deleting the crappy spam I've gotten, but I wish I was able to add to these! I made the mistake of writing a post with the word "Deals" in the title. Since I've closed comments, the major amounts of spam have stopped coming in.

But what is it with all those comments like: Ur article really help me school with research. I've gotten a bunch, but with no links to anything. My hubby said it's probably some other language getting translated, but I just don't see the point. Are they really spam or actually people using a crappy translator and in weird school classes?

Though not spam, I can't help but think: All your base are belong to us!

6/30/10, 4:11 PM  
Anonymous Debbie, i obsess said...


*collapes from slaughter*

But seriously, that is so awesome I want to make it into a recipe.

6/30/10, 4:21 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

What do you think fuckmeat tastes like, DEbbie?

And Rebecca, your comments here totally made my day.

6/30/10, 4:28 PM  
Blogger Getrealmommy said...

so wait are you saying that I don't have a fedex package with over a million dollars being held up in Nigeria? ah Fuckmeat.

6/30/10, 4:54 PM  
Blogger Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

The comments were funny, but the names made me laugh out loud. I'm not yet cool enough for spam, so thanks for letting me enjoy yours!

6/30/10, 5:30 PM  
Anonymous Kami said...

OMG funniest post ever! No, seriously.

6/30/10, 8:25 PM  
Blogger Kim Moldofsky said...

I once got an offer to write link-baity comment spam on behalf of a brand. I did not accept the offer, but sadly, it would have paid more than the problogging gig I had at the time. So sad.

It all ends well, though. I kept my integrity and I later learned that the person who offered me the gig was fired from the brand account.

6/30/10, 9:06 PM  
Anonymous Alexis said...

Thank you for composting these! You made my day! :)

7/1/10, 9:35 AM  
Blogger Jennifer (ponderosa) said...

At work I answer the email sent to the webmaster, which is the biggest pile of trash you ever saw: spam, returned emails, out of office replies ... and in all different languages. I now know how to say "out of office" in German, and I believe this is "click here" in Finnish: klikkaa tästä!

I asked my boss if I could keep the millions of dollars that are coming to me from Nigeria et. al. He said yes. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

7/1/10, 12:49 PM  
Blogger Jennifer (ponderosa) said...

PS My submission for the unintentionally wise category (would also fit an "innuendo" category, aka "I think I just got hit on by a spambot"):

A part is only as good as the fixture holding it.

7/1/10, 12:54 PM  
Anonymous Linda Sullivan said...

This is the most brilliant blog post I have ever read in weeks. lol. And no, I am not one of those people who should be given that Most Transparently Flattering Award. Haha. This made my day :)

7/1/10, 6:51 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

You need a category for 'Most Out of Place on the Post'. I especially like it when I get a comment on a post about some event that happened 3 years ago challenging me to 'discus by PM for I am proven able to discredit your argument'.

Really, dude, if the craft fair I was attending didn't happen then, it doesn't matter now.

7/2/10, 12:07 AM  
Blogger Integrative Mom said...

Niksnala say: I apologise, but, in my opinion, you commit an error. Let’s discuss it. Write to me in PM, we will talk.
Niksnala say: The theme is interesting, I will take part in discussion. I know, that together we can come to a right answer.
(NIKSNALA links to viagra and comments everyday on my blog)
oh, and Louis Vuitton reads my blog too:
"Greetings, I enjoy your website. This is a cool site and I wanted to post a note to let you know, great job! Thanks, Louis Vuitton"

I love the idea of spam awards!

7/2/10, 4:20 PM  
Blogger Tabitha (From Single to Married) said...

Oh man - I HATE Spammers! I get them all the time! In fact, someone "broke" onto my site (some spamming hacker I'm sure) and started putting up links various places on my site. Then I had to pay someone to go in and get rid of the hacker. I'm still mad about it.


7/2/10, 7:52 PM  
Anonymous Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

Those look like my spam comments!

I also get a lot of life insurance links lol. Oh, and people whose usernames are things like "learn Esperanto today!" and who comment by copying and pasting part of my post. It's a brilliant method, but luckily Akismet is smarter than they are. Heh.

7/3/10, 4:17 PM  
Anonymous Dina said...

Spam is so annoying. I just got an email from "Carly Simon" the other day!

7/3/10, 11:22 PM  
Anonymous AmyeToTheRescue! said...

Great post! Would you by from this man?
Welcome you to visit my website
Dear friend,
I hope you are not disturbed.
and I would like you spend a few seconds to have a look at ___.
If you don't mind .For this, I think you will be surprise the prices
It is the wholesale price, directly get from the factory, no middle agent.
The price has deduct the huge profits of the middlemen. We 100% authorized the sales from factory , you can take it easy and enjoy it.

7/5/10, 10:56 AM  
Anonymous internet bingo said...

I think it's funny that people try to spam on mom blogs. Thanks for sharing this actually, it really made me laugh.

7/8/10, 1:26 PM  

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