Morning-After Oscar Recap #689,771

Best sound editing? Feh. I can think of plenty of other awards people will happily stay up all night for:

Best use of dead animal as accessory: Charlize Theron's left shoulder.

Biggest bicep that could have been mistaken for a goiter: The producer accepting the best picture award.

Biggest upset: Jamie Foxx sticking with the script instead of doing the "heyyyy...hoooo" thing.

First ever interpretive dance to give interpretive dance a bad name: Crash. It was the most horrifying spectacle I've witnessed since being dragged to Titanic: The Musical which in my opinion, is just a baby step away from PanAm Flight 103: The Musical. And it didn't help the segment much that Rousseau from Lost was singing.

Best line of the night: Dame Judi Dench took my eye out in a bar fight. This is why Jon Stewart and his writing staff should do the Oscars every year. All of it, too. Not just Bruce Villanch's cast-offs.

Best example of life imitating art if you call Something's Gotta Give, art: Jack Nicholson bringing his teenage daughter - whom I actually believed could have been his date.

The Duh, Why Didn't I Think of That Award: To the creator of the All Cowboy Films are Gay segment.

The winner most likely to make Louis B. Mayer roll over in his grave, roll back again, roll over one more time, then stand up and do the running man: Best song, It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp.

Best audition for a spot at Madame Tussaud's: Dolly Parton.

Best evidence that if you have a good plastic surgeon, you don't need to know math: The twinkie on the E! preshow saying, "you know Ryan, the top publicists make as much as THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH working for these celebrities!"

Most likely to inspire thousands of teenage girls to stick their fingers down their throats after fourth-period lunch today: Jessica Alba wearing a size negative 42.

Best inside joke that went over the heads of the 41 million non-industry people watching the show: Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep's Altman-esque introduction to the Altman tribute. I liked it. But I'm pretentious that way.

Best post on an online message board last night that made me feel old: What has Meryl Streep been in, anyway?

Best post on an online message board last night that made me feel young: I like that Ludacris. He seems like such a nice rapper.

Best reason for me to burn all of my pregnancy photos: Rachel Weisz, that bitch.

Biggest oversight in the RIP montage: John Spencer. Forgive us, Leo McGarry.

Best celebrity contender for political office: George Clooney. I say, more womanizers in the White House! They always make the best Presidents.

Best candidates to host the Oscars next year: Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell. Oh please, please, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let it be them.


Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I loved this post! Very funny.
And I'm with you with the whole "George Clooney for President" thing. If he were prez I might start watching the State of the Union addresses.

3/6/06, 1:02 PM  
Blogger the stefanie formerly known as stefanierj said...

If George C. were prez, I would insist it be the State of the Union UN-dress. Yowza.

Best self-mocking joke of the evening: Jon Stewart saying the line about the Oscars tribute to the montage: "we're out of film clips! OUT! Send any you can--even if they're on beta."

Can Jon Stewart be VP if GC is president?

3/6/06, 1:56 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Oo, I agree with everything you said, esspecially the the gay cowboy movie segment...I swear...I peed...just a little....

3/6/06, 1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nicely done. I concur. And I quite enjoyed the Campaign segments (for best actress) - and all that shit too.

I loved the Lily/Meryl deal - and half the things Jon said I'm pretty sure almost NO ONE got - but, I did (most of them, that is) and that makes me feel good.

3/6/06, 2:04 PM  
Blogger Lumpyheadsmom said...

Jessica Alba - would comment, but my fist is stuck between my teeth. The lunch of Diet Pepsi and carrot sticks is making me fat, I can feel it!

The bloglift is cute, by the way. I like it.

3/6/06, 3:02 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Bravo! I've already made a few laps around the blogosphere to get the latest dish about the Oscars, and this, I've got to say, was one of the more comprehensive in terms of information Mary Hartman will be remiss to discuss.

3/6/06, 3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The biceps scared me too. Eeek!

3/6/06, 3:49 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

You really captured all the best (and worst) of the Oscars. So glad you mentioned the horrible dance with the Crash song, and LOL about Rousseau.

I agree on the John Spencer omission, but it is maybe because he is not a "member of the academy"? He should definitely get some major props at the Emmys.

3/6/06, 3:55 PM  
Blogger Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I loved the Tomlin/Streep thing.

Jessica Alba just kick started my new eating disorder.

Did anybody else think Charlize looked like 80's suntan barbie?

3/6/06, 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just reenacting the multiethnic Crash musical revue for my husband! Heinous! Beyond belief!

My second favorite horrific bit: the "Pimp" music routine, complete with one-shirttail-untucked stupid-looking white john drooling and stumbling drunkenly around the black hot-pants-wearing hos.


I second the Will Ferrell/Steve Carell hosting nomination.

3/6/06, 4:38 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

Wow, I'm really glad I didn't waste my time watching it, your recap was much more succinct, more entertaining, and I didn't have to complain about how self-aggrandizing it was, cuz it wasn't. Your recap, I mean.

But c'mon. It really IS hard out here for a pimp.

3/6/06, 4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny stuff!! Love all of your awards!!

And wanted to ask, Am I the only one that thinks George Clooney is turning into his dad? I used to think he looked a little like Nick Clooney, but he is seriously turning into the man. Sorry. It's freaking me out a little.

3/6/06, 4:58 PM  
Blogger Binky said...

Though I could never vote for Clooney (too many Georges), I must say these are good calls on the most part. That awful, washed-out skin tone color everyone wore just has to go. Mainly, though, I was inspired to re-read Capote's biography before renting the DVD for a jammies & popcorn night of freaky English major fun.

3/6/06, 5:03 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Stef: Love the un-dress idea. Can I vote twice?
Catherine: I hope to go where ET fears to tread, isn't that the point of this all?
Mrs D: I do think there was an outsider element to John Stewart but maybe that's why I like him so much.
Sarah: if Charlize was Suntan Barbie then J-Lo looked like Melanoma Skipper.
Jenn: The interpretive dance just needs to go. The people have spoken.
Tammy: Yes, he's definitely looking like Nick, and probably because he's laid off the scalpel. (See Michael Douglas for the other side of the coin.)

And Binky...an actual erudite comment? About...READING?. My goodness, have you made a wrong turn on the way to somewhere else?

3/6/06, 5:25 PM  
Blogger Alisyn said...

O, Oscars. Why do they only come once a year? It's such fun to love to hate everyone.

3/6/06, 5:53 PM  
Blogger IzzyMom said...

Great recap! Regarding the normally quite lovely Charlize Theron... WHAT was up with that hairdo???? I couldn't stop gawking at how bad it was :-O

3/6/06, 6:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GAY COWBOY MONTAGE! That was BY FAR the best moment of the evening.

And, Melanoma Skipper? OW! OW! I'm doubled over peeing. That's hilarious. Fantastic recap!

3/6/06, 9:31 PM  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

The day George Clooney becomes president is the day I apply for an internship to the White-House. Love your categories!

3/7/06, 12:08 AM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

*sigh* ... Clooney...*wiping drool from chin*

Great and hilarious recap. :) And yes to the goiter-cep! My husband and I both remarked at that woman's bicep. We were also creeped out at the Crash song performance.

3/7/06, 12:21 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

YOu know, last night I COULD NOT get that stupid "Its hard out here for a Pimp" song out of my head. I was tempted to pop in a Barney DVD to dislodge that Pimp song from my brain.

3/7/06, 12:30 AM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

Aagh. Blogger ate my comment from yesterday.!I can't remember it now, but it was something about the bow eating Charlize Theron.

3/7/06, 2:18 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Was that supposed to be a scene from Crash? Because I thought I was watching interpretive dance based on Night of the Living Dead...

3/7/06, 2:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are flippin hilarious - I wish I had seen this Monday - I was still trying to boil the experience from my brain - great post!!

3/7/06, 8:26 PM  
Blogger Trisha said...

Mm yeah, I second your John Spencer pick. Such a shame.

3/9/06, 3:18 AM  

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