Remind Me To Add "Dork" to My Resume.

Imagine for a moment that you are a fly on the wall of a small conference room in a boutique hotel in midtown Manhattan. You are watching a small panel of big blogger muckety mucks who have gathered to discuss moms and the internets.

If you were that fly, you would have seen very funny things and laughed very loudly. Does a fly even laugh? Are you on crack?

Okay, just go with me on this.

First, you'd see Mom-1o1 making a bee line to meet Greg of DaddyTypes, all gushy and starstruck (me, not him). You are the first blog I ever read! You're so funny! You're such a good writer! You know MetroDad in person? You're so cool! No way, you use the word "the?" I use the word "the!" Let's be best friends!

Then you'd see me babbling to Shannon of Phat Mommy, ohmigod I've read you! So cool! I've sent real-life friends to your site!

Then you'd see a table full of crazy accomplished alpha-female bloggers introducing themselves to the group:
"Hi, I'm Danielle of Celebrity Baby Blog. We get 60,000 hits a day and are on every blogroll ever. If we aren't, we have so much power, we can just hack into your blogroll and add ourselves.

"Hello, I'm Samantha Ettus. I'm published many times over, know many famous people and have just started blogging at Modern Mom. I also have the nicest arms you've ever seen in the history of female arms."

"Hi everyone, I'm Liz Thompson. I blog for a zillion sites including BlogHer and This Full House, and fourteen webzines, plus I have four gorgeous kids, and still found the time to get this fabulous haircut."

"Hey there, I'm Victoria of SavvyMommy. You may recognize me from my insanely popular website, my upcoming magazine, my many tv appearances, and the fact that I look like a supermodel. Even after kids. Two of them. Also? We give away like free Lexuses on our website. Just so you know."
Then there's me.
"Hi...I (mumble mumble) it's called Mom-101 and um...I started it because I was on message boards a lot and...arpfoleoshpol eols polspoeththh ooh pee booboo caca...hey wait, do you guys know Kristen? From Motherhood Uncensored? She's kind of famous. Because anyway we have this website Cool Mom Picks and it's kind of cool...um...Yeah. Forget it."
Dorkimus Maximus.

So despite me dialing up my internal nerdometer to 11, I might have made a couple of friends. Which is really nice considering the fact that I felt like I had no business being with this group in the first place. But don't worry, I overcompensated for that by making sure to ramble a lot about the internets and chat rooms and blogs and I have no idea what else.

And I wasn't even drunk.

When my mouth was not spewing gobbledeegook, it was inhaling Pepperidge Farm cookies. Hello, an entire plate of Pepperidge Farm cookies--dude, free Pepperidge Farm cookies--and the only ones partaking were Greg and me.


BlogHer isn't going to be like this, right? I mean, you people do eat, don't you?

Okay, so what have I learned from this lesson (I ask you, the hypothetical fly on the wall)? I think that I should stay the hell away from cookies at BlogHer, maybe roundtable discussions, and most definitely Alice. But I think I will go for the free cocktails. At least then I'll have an excuse if I slip on any of the above.

Taking a limo to a meeting is okay mama, but it's no Flexible Flyer trike, I'll tell ya that much.


Blogger pixie sticks said...

That's pretty much how I trip through my whole life. I'm not sure I trust anyone who'd pass up free cookies.

7/19/06, 6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i always wonder what it would have been like if i had a blog back in the days when I lived in NYC ... so many cool things seem to happen in the metropolitain blogosphere (is that geekish enough?) and hey .. never say 'no' to free cookies ... though 'open bar' was the magic phrase in my days back then :)

7/19/06, 6:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and speaking of resumees ... Jaelithe just fashioned this wonderful sentence that I just have to shout out to the world in laughter ... as it is so true: (actually, this is more for a job description) "Must be able to withstand being urinated upon on a regular basis"

7/19/06, 6:51 PM  
Blogger j.sterling said...

how can you not eat free cookies for god's sake?! see you at blogher.. i'll bring double stuff oreos to taunt you. lol

7/19/06, 6:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to eat - probably a lot, especially if it's free. Plus, my traffic isn't that great. You can sit by me and feel cool.

7/19/06, 7:04 PM  
Blogger jdg said...

greg is like the thomas pynchon of the parenting blogosphere. I have no idea what he looks like, other than that ancient picture of him in the sailor suit.

so, what does he look like?

7/19/06, 7:08 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

I would so have eaten the cookies. Come on! Pepperidge Farm cookies! For free!

(Did they have Milano? Chessmen?)

Also, I so did not know people were publishing my off-the-cuff IM quips on other people's blogs. Does this mean I have a future in viral marketing? I mean, Liz, you would know ;)

7/19/06, 7:23 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Hmmm, if I was going to BlogHer, I would probably do that to you. I woul for sure ask you to be my new best friend. It is so not just you.

I am not so impressed by who you met, since i only knew who two of them were. Now if you'd met MetroDad, then I would have been impressed.

7/19/06, 7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um. You obviously missed my blog today. I had a dream. That I was frantically searching for you at BlogHer, asking everyone "...but where is Mom101?!"

Oh yeah. I totally did.

I might just stay in my hotel room in San Jose.

7/19/06, 7:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Super bloggers scare me and now I really know why.

7/19/06, 7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, I am totally going to BlogHer for the free food. Come hang with me and we can fight over the Milanos.

7/19/06, 7:47 PM  
Blogger Cristina said...

I'm going to BlogHer and when I see you I'm totally going to be all,

"Hi...I (mumble mumble) it's called Mommy off the Record and um..."

Yeah, I'm going to apologize in advance for making a fool of myself in front of you as I will be completely nervous to meet one of the first mommy bloggers I ever read and then went on to completely idolize.

Oh, and I don't know who the hell Danielle, Samantha and Victoria are. But I know who Liz is. And I just can't WAIT to meet her and get an autograph!

7/19/06, 7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, I'd be pretty intimidated.

But you downplay your credentials. I think you're pretty insanely famous yourself, lady.

7/19/06, 7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the other Kristin. Hello. So famous.

You didn't lick the tray did you?

7/19/06, 8:26 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

I think that when I get to San Jose I will put on a nametag that reads "Mom-101" and stuff cookies in my face and mumble things to people and go up to Alice and gush all over her and then pretend to crap my pants in a roomful of people.

Then, you'll never have to worry about this again.

Look for me. I'll be wearing a Mom-101 hat, too.

7/19/06, 9:02 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Thank you for reminding me why I'm not going to Blogher. I think I probably would have taken one step into the conference, turned into a puddle of drool... sorry, grabbed the nearest freebie and then turned into a puddle of drool. And then, if drool could run then that drool would be sprinting back to my hotel room.

Glad you got some cookies out of it. I find humility goes well with sugar.

7/19/06, 9:42 PM  
Blogger Arwen said...

Small intimate settings freak me out...unless I am getting paid to wow peopel, then I am fine. Were you getting paid in anyhting other than pepperidge farm cookies. Oh wait, that is payment enough. I am sure you did great.

7/19/06, 10:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never even heard of any of those other bloggers. But I do eat, that's for damn sure, so if you think there's too much food on your plate, just come sit by me.

How will I find you at BlogHer, anyway? I don't even know what you look like!

7/19/06, 10:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

**pulling up sleeves**

Okay - listen up, woman - ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

If anyone was out of place, it was me.

I mean, did you not hear me gush to Maureen about calling my husband from the train station and gushing into the phone, "DUDE...I'm in THE CAR!"and the text messaging him from the conference room, " DUDE...they've got FREE FOOD!"

I see your Dorkus Maximus and raise you, "just two steps away from the trailerpark!"

Seriously, it was great meeting you Liz!

Oh, and for that remark about my hair...DUDE, I SOOOO LOVE YOU!

Wish I could be there with ya'll at BlogHer.

P.S. - the only reason I didn't eat any of the cookies is that I was too busy stuffing my face with the panini...and I couldn't reach the damned things, anyways!

7/19/06, 10:35 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

i'm jealous i don't live in nyc and i'm jealous i'm not going to blogher. can i be you?

and per your last post--to me, thalia has a girl face. anyone asking how old your boy is is obviously stupid (this coming from the girl who just wrote "is is").

7/19/06, 10:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and one more thing - did you not see me RUN to the bathroom after the conference...nearly pissed my pants having to...you know...talk in front of "real" people!?!

7/19/06, 10:49 PM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

Some of these blogs are TOOOOO BUSY!!! How about more writing and fewer graphics??


7/19/06, 10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Were I to attend BlogHer, I'm sure someone would just mistake me for the woman hired to refill water glasses or pass out nametags. Word.

7/19/06, 11:21 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Oh, God. You've just terrified me.

I'm going to need to start drinking on the plane. Do they serve liquor on early morning cross-country flights?

7/19/06, 11:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohhhh goooh-ness....this is like deja-vu for me except not. Did that make sense? Please tell me you understand, because I don't, but yet I do. Kapeish? =)

7/19/06, 11:39 PM  
Blogger ninepounddictator said...

Oh, it still sounds like fun...I'm jealous...

7/20/06, 1:08 AM  
Blogger Eden Kennedy Onassis said...


7/20/06, 2:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would love to meet a blogger I read. You're lucky to be going to Blogher. I'll have to live vicariously through you and will look forward to your posts about it. Hopefully drunken posts.

7/20/06, 6:12 AM  
Blogger Marie said...

I'd be right there at the cookies too!

This sounds soooo cool! Were there cameras flashing, or was it a level of cool beyond that?

LOVE the limo pic! They freaking picked you up in a limo?? How FUN is that!!??

You'll be blogging from BlogHer, right?

7/20/06, 7:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DUDE...You totally suck! I didn't know you were going to be at that thing. If I had, I definitely would have skipped out of work and bailed on my client meetings in order to hang out with you and Greg. The three of us could have sat in the back corner and made wisecracks to one another. Or played some poker with our Mint Milanos. It would have been so much fun.

Have a great time at BlogHer! Take good notes.

7/20/06, 9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.S. Stop being so humble! A fly on the wall? Pshaw! You're a blog superstar (blogstar?)! I love the fact that you hit it out of the park with every darn post. You rock.

7/20/06, 9:05 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

I've never understood the not eating in public thing. I eat when I'm nervous, so you can bet I'll be stuffing my face at BlogHer. It's like those Twix commericals - I won't be able to think of anything witty to say, so I'll stuff an entire cookie in my mouth to give me time to think.

And how cool that you got to travel in a limo! I've never ever been in a limo.

7/20/06, 9:37 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

At least you were able to eat cookies. I would have been sitting there afraid to say a word, sweating, and trying not to make a fool of myself.

7/20/06, 9:46 AM  
Blogger Vikki said...

Everything is relative...

I think there are about 20 people that read my blog each day which makes me wonder (every single day), "Now, why do I do this?!"

By the way, the above number was exaggerated so as not to appear as the extremely tiny blogger that I am. ha ha.

7/20/06, 10:19 AM  
Blogger Karen Bodkin said...

Oh I will SO be eating at BlogHer. Don't worry - most of us at BlogHer are dorks masquerading as evil geniuses. Ha. Even Dooce has called herself a dork - remember one of her first t.v. interviews? Total dorkitude - don't worry. We'll all be thinking the same things about ourselves.

7/20/06, 10:48 AM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

I'm with Kvetch. They scare me. I mean, I feel so fucking inadequate in every other area of my life. Shit, I get more than one comment on all my posts so I'm set.

7/20/06, 10:53 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

LOL I kinda think the carseat might be crooked. LOL Your still MUCH cooler than me! =o)

7/20/06, 11:17 AM  
Blogger Silly Hily said...

It's so funny how even the cool kids (you, Amalah for example) talk all the time about totally feeling lame once you get around other people who you admire and look up to.
And then there's the rest of us, the actual flies, the real dorks who get some sort of pleasure knowing that as fabulous as you are, you still get your world rocked by other blogebrities.
My advice to all attending BlogHer (b/c you all seem to be freaking out a bit about it) go straight for the alcohol.
Oh, and if there is a pesky fly buzzing around at BlogHer, don't kill it, it's me.
For the record, I'm a fairly new reader but think you are fabulous!

7/20/06, 11:34 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Liz, you BELONG with those people, so stop eating the humble pie! You'll lose your appetite for the cookies!

and I agree with Silly Hily: don't kill the fly; it's me wishing I could be there with everyone. Sigh. Maybe next year.

7/20/06, 12:04 PM  
Blogger Overwhelmed! said...

Oh, I wish I could go to BlogHer! I expect all the juicy details from you, Liz!

7/20/06, 12:35 PM  
Blogger S.T. said...

LOL, that so sounds like how I would have felt at a gathering like that. But you? You're right up there with the other blog gods and goddesses. :)

7/20/06, 1:54 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

agh...! I bet you were FABULOUS. i love that all the bloggers you mentioned are going to take you out now. good move! (heh--yes, I am now laughing at *your* expense, but I feel we have moved beyond niceties at this stage and into "you make fun of me and i'll make fun of you and we'll be good" stage.

the fact that you, Kristen, Catherine, Tracey (yes, let me use lots of bloggers first names to show how IN I am) are all going to be there next week. I am frothing at the mouth. I better keep up my blog another year so I can make it there all post-partumy and fat.

7/20/06, 3:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dads will always eat cookies.

7/20/06, 8:26 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Pundit Mom: It's hard to argue with 60 THOUSAND hits a day. That's not an exaggeration by the way. That's really how many people read it. They're doing something right!

7/20/06, 9:06 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Hope to see you at BlogHer. I'll be looking for the double chocolate Milanos!

7/21/06, 12:02 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

It is KILLING me that I can't go (tried to sign up but did so too late --nothing left.) And I was DYING to meet you! Wah...

7/21/06, 12:20 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

OK, let's just address the cookie issue. First, what was up with the chairs? They were wonderful for tilting back and looking relaxed, but for eating? Not so much. I had to scooch to the edge of my seat and lean my chest over the table and hope the chair wouldn't bounce or rock so I could get some salad in my mouth. I didn't reach for the cookies because I was paralyzed with fear that I'd lose my balance and fall into the table.

Great to meet you Liz!

7/21/06, 2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would definitely join you in cookie dismantling. I'm not going to BlogHer but dammit I can't wait to read all the posts about all the free cocktails and check out the pictures on Flickr and see what everyone's wearing....I mean read all the great philosphical discussions about blogging and its indelible impression on society. Ahem.

7/21/06, 10:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

p.s. congrats on getting invited to this cool blogger discussion group...yeah! love the limo pic...tee hee

7/21/06, 10:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a hard time imagining you as a dork or a stalker. Okay, stalker, maybe, but only if it was in pursuit of those PF cookies.

I'm just catching up on everyone. Making my way to your BlogHer posts. I wish wish wish I was there.

8/15/06, 4:52 PM  

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