7.14.2006

Scarred for Life By Mom-101

The 8 year old nephew: So my friend has this game he told me about.

Me: Oh yeah? What's that?

Nephew: It's called Spank the Monkey.

(Blink. Blink.)

Me: Spank the Monkey? Was he joking with you?

Nephew: No, he told me it's really fun.

Me: Um...did he ask you to play it with him? What did he tell you about it?

Nephew: He said you can get like a million points if you get to the bonus round.

(Blink. Blink.)

Nephew: It's on the computer.

Me: (Wiping sweat from every pore) Okay then. Okay. Well, you should know that Spank the Monkey is a slang term that's not very nice. So be careful when you say it.

Nephew: What does it mean?

Me: Well...it means masturbate.

(Blink. Blink.)

Me: Do you know what that means?

Nephew: No.

Me: It's when a boy plays with his penis.

(Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink.)

Nephew: So can I go and play GameBoy?

Me: Yeah, why don't you do that. That's a great idea.


59 Comments:

Blogger SuzanH said...

OH. My. God.

That was hilarious.

7/14/06, 9:48 PM  
Anonymous Onetallmomma said...

That was so funny. I have an 8 year old boy and he thinks he's got it all figured out...up until he strays into something like "spank the monkey"!!! Then he reverts to 4 real quick

7/14/06, 9:50 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

OMFG.

I'm so glad that I resumed blog-visits just now. That one cleared my sinuses.

Thank you.

7/14/06, 9:55 PM  
Blogger toyfoto said...

Scarred? My guess is you handled it perfectly.

He's still playing with himself, right. Gameboys are only natural.

7/14/06, 10:03 PM  
Blogger zygote daddy said...

I think he was actually very lucky he mentioned it to you. Much better to hear an explanation from his aunt than his mother. A lot less therapy later on this way.

7/14/06, 10:11 PM  
Anonymous Motherhood Uncensored said...

Wow. Talk about getting a big bucket of cold water dumped on your head.

That's how I think hitting that age will be.

Nicely done.

7/14/06, 10:12 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

May I suggest the Stuffed animal Gonorrhea toy for his next birthday?

7/14/06, 10:12 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Classic.

7/14/06, 10:25 PM  
Anonymous neva said...

so... in the course of, what, 2 weeks? you've introduced this kid to the streets of nyc, fireworks, and the concept of masturbation. nice work auntie.

where do you go from there? xox

7/14/06, 10:47 PM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I'm blushing like crazy.

7/14/06, 10:58 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

LOL!!!

7/14/06, 11:07 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

I'm laughing too hard to come up with a decent comment.

7/14/06, 11:17 PM  
Anonymous Joel said...

Brilliant! Kudos for your honesty and willingness to tackle the topic...good that he wasn't all that interested, but you made the effort just the same.

7/14/06, 11:21 PM  
Anonymous neva said...

so, girlfriend... you have soooo opened up the floodgates. not the masturbation floodgates, mind you, (tho' time may prove that you've set those in motion as well... but i digress). i hesitated to suggest you visit Waking Ambrose, but since you've now found your way over there, the gloves are off (what the hell gloves have to do with bloggery is anyone's guess, but again, i digress...)

yes... i know you're a busy girl with a hot career/blog/man and an adorable 1 year old (they grow up so fast, don't they?) but a brilliant girl with a gift for the written word is bound to find a minute or 3 to spend around a bunch of silly/sometimes smart/usually funny people...at least i hope so! and, no, i'm not a pimp for his blog, but it is fun, not to mention challenging (okay, my word was less challenging/more fun, but that's beside the point).

of course, now i'm just typing away... having thrown all caution to the wind... joel's in bed, the puppies are settled, and my fingers just keep tap-tap-tapping away. what's up with me? this is scary. how long can i go? how long can you read? why are you looking at me like that?

blink. blink. blink.

7/14/06, 11:28 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Nicely played, Liz. Nicely played.

(And, seriously, does anyone with a boychild of their own think this kid is not already, er, covertly chastising a certain primate? Because I swear they must start doing that in the womb).

7/15/06, 12:52 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Ha! Well said! It's always a trick to figure out exactly how sophisticated somebody is, particularly at that age.

7/15/06, 2:01 AM  
Blogger Veronica Mitchell said...

You reminded me of a time when I was eight and I confused the slang terms "buns" and "balls." I thought they were the same thing. And I used the term for body parts I don't have. My aunt did not blink. She laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed...

7/15/06, 3:02 AM  
Blogger Jozet said...

ROFLOL!!!!!

Oh no...what have you done, Auntie, lol!

omg, this reminds me of 4th grade when some nun told us that "virgin" was a girl who was never kissed (we were so innocent back then). Later that year, I was at a party playing spin-the-bottle and I felt so horrible afterwards. I wanted to admit to my mother that I was no longer a virgin, but didn't want to break her heart. I'm so glad that I didn't. I'd still be hearing that story.

Spank the Monnkey, lol!

7/15/06, 4:05 AM  
Blogger Queen Haline said...

You just got a big laugh and smile in Tanzania! I, for one, am proud of you. Let's talk about sex, baby.

7/15/06, 5:17 AM  
Anonymous Kvetch said...

You're really good. I never could've done it. I would've countered with "I'll tell you when you're older." A couple of years ago when my daughter asked what a virgin was I said I didn't know. You don't know? That's right, I don't know. I do realize that if she asked again (if someone else didn't tell her) that I'd have to fess up. I think you are way beyond the 101 level of mommying/aunting.

7/15/06, 7:34 AM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

What an instructive Aunt!

7/15/06, 8:47 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Hilarious!

Snaps for your honesty.

7/15/06, 10:22 AM  
Blogger Blog-o-licious said...

I'm sure you heard me because I HOWLED with laughter on this one...good job!

7/15/06, 10:41 AM  
Anonymous Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom said...

Oh my God! That post made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants!!!!

7/15/06, 11:03 AM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

Oh my God. You dodged that bullet. Or...did you?

7/15/06, 11:22 AM  
Anonymous Mir said...

Okay, am I the only person who is concerned that he will now think that masturbation refers exclusively to boys? Although I guess girls don't have... uhhh... a monkey to spank.

Okay, nevermind, I guess that gets really complicated really quickly. Carry on.

7/15/06, 12:21 PM  
Anonymous Chase said...

Holy crap, woman! HAHAHAHH!! Too, too funny!! You're braver than I am. And much more mature. I'd have just said, "heh...you said spank the monkey."

7/15/06, 12:31 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

*blink, blink

That's all I can muster right now. The blinking helps the tears clear out of my eyes.

7/15/06, 1:30 PM  
Blogger Dana said...

That's too cute. I've laughed for five minutes. I love how your you explained it and how it went over his head. =)

7/15/06, 1:31 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Something tells me he's going to be using that phrase a lot more now--and not just when playing video games. he he

7/15/06, 2:26 PM  
Blogger Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Everyone needs a cool aunt to tell them how it really is..

I actually think it's good and helpful that you told him that and didn't have him walking around telling everyone what a great game that spank the monkey is...


Lisa

7/15/06, 4:16 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Um...yah, can I go and play game boy too?

Poor you. A one year old is looking pretty easy these days huh?

7/15/06, 6:32 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

OHGAWD. Nightmare. He didn't ask you any more questions after that?!?!?! OYVEY. Poor Mom-101. things like this should not be put off on a novice-auntie-of-a-8-year-old. Not fair! HOWEVER, you handled it like a champ!

7/15/06, 8:26 PM  
Blogger kevin said...

The kid's only eight. He's got a good four more years before stumbling into the wonderful world of self love. And once he starts, it will likely continue until he's . . . well, come to think of it, I'm not quite sure when it stops.

7/15/06, 8:35 PM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

These types of questions and responses slay me. When my daughter (who is six and will be in first grade in the fall) asks "questions," or makes comments where I start to sweat, I'm amazed at how quickly we can get onto another, more innocuous, topic! I'm so glad they're not as tuned into this stuff as we thinkg they are! :)

http://punditmom1.blogspot.com

7/15/06, 11:06 PM  
Blogger FFF said...

honesty is always the best policy! And it makes for funny blog stories too!

7/16/06, 12:07 AM  
Anonymous chelle said...

heheh that is too cute!!!! I can just imagine what he is going to tell his friend!!

7/16/06, 12:14 AM  
Anonymous Nila said...

Maybe honesty isn't really the best policy when it comes to 8 year old boys who are very aware of their penises, but not quite sure what to do with them.

You're too funny. I wish you were my kid's aunt, then I could avoid all those sticky (no pun intended)topics.

7/16/06, 12:47 AM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

ROFL...this is definitely one for the archives!

Well done :)

7/16/06, 2:49 AM  
Blogger Daddy D said...

no comment...just, just no comment.

- Jon
- Daddy Detecive
- www.daddydetective.com

7/16/06, 7:12 AM  
Blogger Marie said...

Hee heeee!

Maybe he can visit you more often? Think of all the fantastic fodder to come... (pardon the pun!)

7/16/06, 8:13 AM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

Mooooooommmmm,
Did you know that when I went to Auntie's house she told me that my Gameboy is all about master...
masterrr...
masterrrrBBBBaaaYYYYttttion???
I think that is how you pronounce it....
Happy times talking with the family after that wee nutshell...

7/16/06, 8:23 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Ohhhhhh man. I'm giving birth to a boy any day now and you're getting me more and more worried.

Though I must say before we got married, my husband had a non-sexual courier travel site with the domain beatthemonkey.com . Call me naive but I NO IDEA what it meant!

7/16/06, 10:14 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Phew, thanks to all the menfolk for a little reassurance. Although Kevin, from what I've seen he's already well on his way. Or maybe he's digging for gold down there?

7/16/06, 10:54 AM  
Blogger NursePam said...

LOL! That was great. I hope I have been half so helpful to my nieces ;^)

7/16/06, 11:29 AM  
Blogger Mama Kelly said...

OMGs

thank goodness I had already swallowed my coffee

my daughter and I had a similar conversation spurred by her use of the term "jerkoff"

and I too found myself having to define masturbation

makes you long for being able to tell them not to use certain words "just because I say so"

7/16/06, 1:10 PM  
Anonymous Kristina said...

LOL. Thanks I neede a laugh today.

7/16/06, 3:42 PM  
Blogger DaniGirl said...

You should just consider yourself very lucky that he decided to retreat rather than pursue the conversation!!

I have two preschool boys, and I am still bemused (not to mention perplexed) by how quickly they discover and adopt with their first and best friend.

7/16/06, 4:15 PM  
Blogger KrisUnderwood said...

Hey-no problem with the shout-out!
Happy to do it.

well deserved, I thought.

7/16/06, 6:52 PM  
Blogger Pattie said...

Oh boy , I think it's time for his friend's parent to get an internet filter, huh?

7/16/06, 7:45 PM  
Anonymous standing still for once said...

Um, welcome to the world of having a son. This is precisely how EVERY conversation about sexuality ends. They are not embarrassed at ALL. They simply have all the information they need, and it is time to move to the next project. It took me a long time to understand that my boy really does only need about 100 words a day. just like his father. DAMN.

7/16/06, 8:21 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Okay, guy commenters-- clearly you don't remember your babyhood, but who does? I shall cease to be vague:

Baby boys play with their penises.

Frequently.

I am sure most of today's adult men were trained out of this by their horrified mothers by the time they were old enough to remember things, and had therefore to, ahem, rediscover, ahem, "it," but, in these enlightened times, most of the baby manuals suggest that you just, you know . . . let them.

I am pretty sure this is why the idea seemed not at all exotic to the kid.

Just a heads up for the Mom-101ster and all other daughter bearers out there, in case they should as some point also be blessed with a child of the male persuasion . . . heh.

Heh.

Boys. *sigh*

7/16/06, 9:22 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Ahhh. That is so funny. Something I would end up doing... At least you know though that you won't have a problem talking to your child about sex. :-)

7/16/06, 10:05 PM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

I am the scarring aunt over here too. I once took my nephews to the Science Centre and we watched a film on the birth process that was so detailed they left squealling and then the same day I got stuck explaining menstruation. Their mother is still laughing her ass off about it.

7/17/06, 7:19 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Too funny - love your candor.

7/18/06, 7:38 AM  
Anonymous jen said...

OMFG! FUNNY FUNNY FRIGGIN FUNNY!

7/18/06, 11:46 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

LMAO YOur brave for even going there with that one.

7/18/06, 12:35 PM  
Blogger SuperFiancee said...

Bless you for sharing that!! Absotively hilarious!! Whew!! I laughed. I cried. I peed my pants. Funny, funny stuff!!

7/19/06, 4:09 PM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

I'm laughing my ass off right now! Classic.

7/19/06, 5:53 PM  

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