Okay, Getting a Little Freaked Out

Here I am in LA. Again. Only this time, I'm here for a whole month. Yes, a month. That's one month. As in, month.

Fortunately I've got Nate and Thalia with me, one of the absolute killer benefits of having a SAHD for a partner. And thanks for your concern, but no, I'm not in the same scary hotel as my stay a few weeks ago.

Actual disgusting half-eaten toast photo from post about previous hotel stay. See, I wasn't exaggerating.

This time we're in a long-term corporate apartment that's not too bad. While it does feel a little retirement community-ish and I'm totally freaked out by the wall-to-wall carpet as all New Yorkers are genetically programmed to be, it does have a gigunda swimming pool that had Thalia squeaking and jumping up and down the moment she saw it. Followed by whining and crying and sobbing the word "swimming!" over and over the moment we kept walking past it.

Swimming! In February! Outside! LA does have its advantages, even if you are forced to sell your soul to obtain them.

So Nate and I are on the couch watching Seinfeld reruns, trying desperately to stay away past 8pm PST. (Update: It's now 6:56 pm and Nate is snoring. Rats.) Our room is on the second floor, with a little concrete terrace off the window. Unfortunately, it faces the adjacent building, about 35 feet away, and looks directly at an exterior stairwell.

So here's the thing:

For the last two hours, a middle-aged woman with a midwestern haircut (sorry midwesterners), wearing jeans and a watermelon Juicy-style sweatshirt has been walking slowly up two flights of stairs reading something in her hand, then slowly down two flights of stairs. Up...and down. Up...and down.

Two hours.

Never looking up.

Any guesses?


Blogger yoo hoo said...

A exercise manual on how to walk up and down stairs while reading.

2/2/07, 10:21 PM  
Blogger Marty, a.k.a. canape said...

They know.

The hotel knows who you are and they have sent this woman to leave the offering of the half eaten toast at your doorstep for a mention on your wildly famous blog.

Or she is just psychotic and you should lock your door. Deadbolt and handle.

2/2/07, 10:47 PM  
Blogger kirida said...

The latest selection from Oprah's Book Club.

2/2/07, 10:47 PM  
Blogger NG said...

Oooo this is fun!

Perhaps the stairs require a user manual for best results?

She's lost and she's reading a map... a very specific map?

She has OCD and for each page she reads, she must complete one flight of stairs?

She is pacing, but there's not a lot of room in her apartment so she had to take it outside?

Trying to get her ears to pop?

2/2/07, 10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It all depends. What are the jeans like?

If they're acid washed and french rolled, she's obviously from Kansas. That would mean she's reading the tv guide, trying to plan out how she's going to watch both Passions AND Judge Judy since they come on at the same time in LA.

If they're dark blue and tight enough in the front to show her bubbly "front butt", then she's from Oklahoma. She's reading the Bible. Or a leaflet about the Bible. Or her Bible studyguide. Or she found a picture of Garth Brooks.

If the jeans are high-waisted with large belt loops and say "Jordache" on the ass, she's obviously from Arkansas. She is either pretending to read or learning to read. I wouldn't walk too closely to her because she's probably planning on stealing your purse.

2/2/07, 11:10 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

I totally know this one. I spent 3 weeks in Bombay, India last March and saw the same phenomenon.

Only in Bombay they would walk the circumference of their roof about a kagillion times reading Buddha knows what. It's how they get their exercise. Dude, you're in LA. We do not embrace the public fat.

2/2/07, 11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(1) The monthly newsletter of "The WatchTower," the preferred reading of today's Jehovah's Witness.

(2) The casting-call section of "Backstage" magazine. Naturally she's an aspiring actress (like 50% of Los Angeles.)

(3) The dialogue script for the porn shoot that she's scheduled to shoot next week in Calabasas.

(4) The Des Moine Register (shit, you SAID she was midwesterner!)

(5) The latest SkyMall catalog.

Sorry...was this a multiple choice exam?

2/2/07, 11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A vain attempt to help lift a saggy ass off of the back of her thighs?

2/2/07, 11:37 PM  
Blogger J said...

Yeah, maybe it's her exercise. I read your comment somewhere (Riley, perhaps) about not taking yoga, and I think you have to now that you're in CA. Sorry.

2/2/07, 11:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm going to need a link to a Midwestern Haircut picture. I want to make sure I don't have one!

2/3/07, 12:12 AM  
Blogger Overwhelmed! said...

Okay, I'm originally from the Midwest but have been away for 10 years. Please, do provide a link to a Midwestern haircut picture, if you please.

That's neat that Nate and Thalia are able to travel with you. Since Oronzo is also a SAHD, he and Snuggle Bug often travel with me on business as well. I love that!

As to why that woman has been pacing the stairs for the past 2 hours, I have no idea! Could you ask her? :)

2/3/07, 12:43 AM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

Cheap stairmaster. I do it at work but I usually only last about 15 minutes, partly because my break is over and partly because I am panting and sweaty.

LA for a month! Let's have dinner! I live 65 miles away and traffic sucks but what about a weekend! snackishblogATyahoo....

2/3/07, 2:44 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Reading the instruction manual to the Stairmaster that requires some assembly.

2/3/07, 3:01 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

it was me. i was trying not to be too obvious in my stalking of you. obviously it didn't work so well. *shrug*

2/3/07, 3:33 AM  
Blogger S said...

Uh-oh, there's gonna be trouble:

a middle-aged woman with a midwestern haircut (sorry midwesterners)...

Simon Cowell: "Sorry, sweetheart, I'm not being rude..."

Simon? You're not sorry, and you are being rude. Liz? I'm just teasing you.

She's reading this: How to Look Like You're Really From LA When You're Just Visiting.

It's not working.

2/3/07, 6:05 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

She's looking for a new haircut. And LA gyms are too pricey, she must climb the stairs instead.

2/3/07, 10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow and I thought I had it bad to have to go to LA for 2 days for work next week... us midwesterners need our exercise. Sheesh. Didn't you know we're all fat?

2/3/07, 10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What does a midwestern haircut look like?

2/3/07, 10:43 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

gettin some air to that shellak? spreading the watermelon lurve? firming her tushy? (tushy = midwestern word for ass)

2/3/07, 1:40 PM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

Wow! I didn't think they made 'em like that in L.A!

Enjoy the weather!

2/3/07, 4:36 PM  
Blogger Gaia said...

I totally used to read and climb stairs. I'm from Oklahoma, LOL.

I hated my coworkers. I hated my job. I would bring a book and then climb stairs during my lunch hour.

I am 5'8" and was 121 lbs at that job. That's probably close to LA skinny - right?

2/3/07, 6:32 PM  
Blogger Lin said...

Enjoy this weekend. It's February. You're outside. No baby bundling before you go outside.

On the other hand, pray for rain, because we need it...badly.

I'm sure all the local Angelenos have told you about fun stuff to do with your little one while you're here. If not, here's a good website to check for ideas.


2/3/07, 8:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My guesses:

1) Risky guess: she's in labor?

2) Realistic b/c it's LA: She's practicing her lines b/c she's an actor.

3) Safe guess: DIY stairmaster. I walk up and down the stairs of my building as exercise. Lucikly I live in a 30+ floor building and only have to do it one series before I'm pooped.

2/3/07, 10:35 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Swimming, holy fuck.

Today we tried to go out for the walk that is now absolutely necessary to get WB to sleep, and had to turn right around about ten paces out because MY HELL the cold. So, no nap.

I'd sell my soul for some warmth.

2/4/07, 9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll go with...actor. Or crazy lunatic reading a manul on how to create the perfect crime scene. I'd watch out for that one.

So you're in town. In West LA this time? Oh and this is a teaser weekend...watch out becuase next week it will rain and not stop until the end of March. Swim while you can. Oh I heart my city. :)

2/5/07, 1:41 PM  

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