Second Annual Monday Morning Oscar Wrap -Up

Yes, I'm the 6,459,875th person to weigh in here. But what else is a blog if not an opportunity for everyone with an opinion to disseminate it amongst the masses? And so, back by popular demand (i.e. one person asking me if I'd do this again), I present the awards I wish they'd given out last night:

Best guest appearance by a humanoid award – Nicole Kidman who traveled all the way from the planet Botoxo.

Best use of dead animals as a cosmetic - Kirsten Dunst whose lips came courtesy of the blood of some roadkill snatched off the 110 on the way to the show

Most overlooked agent – E! Preshow host Ryan Seacrests’ agent who should have been thanked more profoundly than any other.

It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp tribute award- Ellen Degeneres. While I’m of the belief that she should wear what makes her comfortable, a maroon velour suit by Juicy Couture couldn’t have been the only option. At least she could have accesorized with a white fedora to match the shoes and worked the theme.

Most likely to find a cure for narcolepsy - The producers who decided to put all the technical awards up front this year and make us wait two hours for awards important enough that the winners don't get their speeches cut off by the orchestra after four seconds.

Biggest letdown – Naomi Watts, pregnant, glowing and spectacularly gorgeous. Thanks for selling us all out, beeeeeyatch.

The if it looks like a duck and has a mouth like a duck but dresses like an ostrich it must be Penelope Cruz award – Penelope Cruz.

Most surprising cameo – Captain Kirk's jacket, around the shoulders of Jennifer Hudson.

Least surprising loss - Eddie Murphy. Dude, you can't drive past a Norbit poster on the way to the Oscars and really expect that the academy is ready to take you seriously as an actor, right?

Most likely to get legions of anorexic girls to hit the nearest Mickey D's – Debi Matenopolous' preshow quip about not eating. It’s about time the skin 'n bones set had a totally unappealing spokesperson at its helm.

Best writing: George Clooney's line: “I was just drinking backstage with Nicholson and Gore...I don’t think he’s running for President.”

Best writing, runner up: Ellen Degeneres' introduction of Phillip Seymour Hoffman as "People Magazine's sexiest man in America to play Truman Capote."

Cruelest message board discussion - Speculations about 7 year old Jaden Smith's mental abilities after stumbling over the teleprompter script. I chalk it up to age. And being blinded by the shine off Nicholson's head.

Most likely to have the nursery decorated upon conception - J Lo, already sporting some rockin' maternity duds.

Most disturbing mental image of the night – Ryan Seacrest asking whether Helen Mirren "has a dirty side.”

Most disappointing loss: Robert Altman, RIP

Most long-awaited acceptance speech – Al Gore's. Hopefully the directors of Jesus Camp won't demand a recount.


Blogger Lara said...

tres excellent recap, lady.

as no one has written a speech for me, i have nothing intelligent to say beyond that. which is probably for the best, as i think they're already playing that cheesy music to shoo me off the st-

2/26/07, 1:30 AM  
Blogger S said...

I'm with you on Kidman, who had quite the red weight on her shoulder. Not a pretty sight.

Also on Altman, who made terrific films.

It was the SHOES on Ellen DeGeneres that killed me.

At least Kirsten matched Tobey. They both looked like something out of The Addams Family.

And poor Al Gore. He's gotten rather rotund, no? I imagine him raiding the kitchen each time he remembers he was supposed to be president. That's what I'd do.

OK, I'll go write on my own blog, sorry.

Thanks for the recap.

2/26/07, 2:40 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Most unexpected visual effect - the cool shapes made in silhouette by the team of acrobats. Fun, and quick.

2/26/07, 5:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kidman frightens me.

I watched, but I didn't see all the people you mentioned here. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go google "Kirsten Dunst lips".

2/26/07, 8:21 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

Hm. I assumed Jaden's slip-up was scripted - and admired his natural comic timing.

2/26/07, 8:34 AM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh, yes, the Oscars. I thought there was something I was supposed to watch last night! Glad to hear Gore won. And, Nicole Kidman? What the heck happened to her? Ugh!!!!

2/26/07, 9:50 AM  
Blogger tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

Hm. You know, I have never understood the fascination with the Oscars or any other red carpety thing. But the recap was fun!

2/26/07, 10:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Naomi Watts was pregnant? Are you fucking kidding me? She can't be more than three months.

2/26/07, 10:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nicole kidman brings new meaning to stepford wife...

2/26/07, 10:59 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Faaantastic. Love the Oscar recap.

As for Naomi Watts, yes she was glowing and beautiful but why did she look like she was trying to hide it?

2/26/07, 12:09 PM  
Blogger ms blue said...

If that was the best dress that Penelope tried on, can you imagine the ones that she turned down?

Jaden Smith was precious. I loved watching his parents beam with pride!

2/26/07, 12:21 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

Best traffic jam on the way to an Oscar party that was stupidly behind the Kodak theatre so we had to drive for three hours just to end up, three blocks from the people who were making our commute hell... the ones we were so excited to watch: The Hollywood/West Hollywood Roadblock.

2/26/07, 12:41 PM  
Blogger mad muthas said...

asking that kind of thing about helen mirren is punishable by imprisonment in the tower of london.

2/26/07, 2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great recap!

Oh, how I love George. They should just make him hand out all the awards.

I kept trying to eye Naomi's bump, but it was hard to see - has she confirmed it?

J.Lo's dress did look maternity-ish.

And my gosh Jack's head was shiny!

2/26/07, 3:05 PM  
Blogger Jordan said...

Great recap, but I gotta tell ya - the Jesus Camp recount line actually made me do a spit take onto my keyboard.

Thanks for the laugh!

2/26/07, 3:25 PM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Love it - why doesn't E! have YOU doing the commentary from the red carpet since you're going all West Coast on our asses, huh?

2/26/07, 3:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about these:

Worst movie to win Best Animated Feature-Happy Feet ("Cars" was ROBBED)

Coolest Blogger/Oscar connection- Pirates of the Caribbean II won the Oscar for best Visual Effects, which Queen of Spain's husband worked on!

2/26/07, 4:07 PM  
Blogger BOSSY said...

Yes yes yes - Bossy agrees and is left wondering why the color of this season's red carpet was "flesh-toned". It was like a parade of invisible actresses.

2/26/07, 5:28 PM  
Blogger mod*mom said...

i was thinking kirsten dunst's lipstick was too dark too.
i didn't notice naomi watt's was pg.
nicole kidman: omg, you nailed it!
i was excited to hear that guy from little sunshine is filming a "get smart" movie!!
i LoVED seeing catherine deneuve!

2/26/07, 7:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I choose to believe that "Jesus Camp" is a mockumentary. If it's not...it should be. I'm a recovering Southern Baptist and I can't believe anyone would believe that ANY kind of higher power (regardless of faith system) gets off on this kind of schlock.

2/26/07, 11:32 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Great wrap-up. And I so agree with your take on Eddie Murphy. As soon as Alan Arkin was announced, I turned to my husband and said, "Norbit nailed him. He got fucked by Norbit!"

And about Naomi Watts, why is it that celebrities' faces don't swell all up and get all acned? By the time I was three months pregnant, my face looked like the freakin moon, complete with lunar bumps and craters. It is simply not fair.

2/27/07, 10:20 AM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

Naomi Watts is pregnant?! Damn her!

I did like the photo op portion of the evening with Spielberg and Eastwood, though, and all the other ways that Ellen made those major league celebs just a TEENSY bit uncomfortable in that, "Heh-heh" sort of way!

2/27/07, 10:45 AM  
Blogger Piece of Work said...

I loved Ellen's maroon suit. And I'm not afraid to admit it!! :)

And, um, did you not think Sherry Lansing's botox/ face disfigurement far worse than Nicole's?

2/27/07, 12:48 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

There were a lot of refugees from Planet Botox. And Helen Mirren put all of them to shame.

2/27/07, 3:39 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

No one does a recap like Mom 101. Love it.

2/27/07, 6:13 PM  
Blogger josetteplank.com said...

Oh well done!

Penelope's dress made me all weepy for Bjork. If you're gonna do it, do it right.

2/27/07, 11:03 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

And to think, I watched a style re-cap of the awards in which the "stylist" (can't remember his name) listed Penelope Cruz as one of his top 5 picks!

She did look like a duck. Quack.

I like your awards so much better!


2/28/07, 1:31 AM  
Blogger Bobita said...

This was brilliant!

You know, were I asked to consider Eddie for an Oscar, it would just be too difficult to block out the "my girl wants to party all the time" noises ringing in my head...

2/28/07, 6:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was this not the most boring Oscars in history?

Funny recap, woman. You slay me.

2/28/07, 10:17 AM  
Blogger Nichole said...

I can't stop laughing long enough to form coherent thoughts. Great post. If it weren't for the half-naked interpretive dancers and their awesome displays, I would have turned off the Oscars.

I must be way behind in my celeb gossip because I had NO idea that J-Lo was preggers. I feel bad for making fun of her dress now.

2/28/07, 12:13 PM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

Well done! Laughing my ass off. I confess to gasping when I saw the RED bow of DOOM, and Capt. Kirk's jacket. What were those ladies thinking?

As for Jaden Smith, I thought it was a fairly typical thing for a 7 year old to do. And he recovered well. Good for him.

Thanks for the giggles! Oh, and b.t.w, just wanted to let you know that you were my first COMMENTER, ever, a year ago.

Thanks Liz. You had me at hello.


2/28/07, 1:56 PM  
Blogger BabyonBored said...

When are we getting together whore?

2/28/07, 2:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I thought I was the only one who thought Penelope Cruz looks like a duck.

3/1/07, 1:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

seriously. you get better every year. apparently so does the material :)

best cameo? LMFAO

3/1/07, 8:33 AM  

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