I'm Not Ready. (Is Anyone Ever?)
By 26.5 weeks gestational time, nearly 2 years ago, we had a crib ordered, bedding being custom-sewn, nursery paint selected. I had spent easily 657 hours researching bottle nipples and infant baths, which changing pad cover was the cushiest and which nursing pads left the least obtrusive outlines under your stained cotton bra. I had given Thalia a nickname, The Bean--original, I know--if not an actual name.
I had written something of a pregnancy journal for her, even if it is too embarrassingly bad to ever share. I had read to her. I had sung to her. I had squinted my eyes hard and tried to envision what she might look like based on a few fuzzy sonogram shots.
By 26.5 weeks gestational time, i.e. today, i.e. the third trimester is upon me, i.e. holy shit there is really a baby inside me and it's going to come out one day very soon and it might actually need things--
I have done nothing.
Nada.
Forget nursery colors, there's not even a nursery. I haven't researched double strollers. I haven't dusted off the breast pump.
Not only don't we have a name picked out, we haven't even discussed it.
Although I am warming up to Moxie Crimefighter Too.
We don't even have a nickname. Sorry #2, you've simply been saddled with #2. I promise to make it up to you with extra dessert one day.
I'm not sure to what degree this lack of planning is simply the standard for baby # next, or a dastardly way of avoiding thinking about the inevitable changes to come.
Try as I might, I can't picture what our life will be like with double the daughters. I want to imagine buckling them in the car for a quick run to the store (to refill my Percocet scrip, no doubt). I try to see plane rides across country, hopefully on wide-bodied jets with the rare four seats across. I attempt to envision wrangling them both into a booth at the corner diner on those Saturdays when slapping together my own grilled cheese sandwich just seems too big a burden. And then I see myself opening the paper while seated alone at the diner with both girls, picking up a pen, opening the crossword as one of them starts to fuss and...
That's when my brain screeches to a halt, pulls an illegal U into oncoming traffic and finally steadies itself with more comfortable questions like whether we're out of milk or if I'll have time to get a pedicure during the week.
Hate to use an outdated ghetto-fabulous phrase, but it's like my subconscious is waving a flattened palm in the face of my conscious and saying, Oh no girl, don't even go there.
Of course as Nate reminds me whenever I allude to panicky feelings, we're not the first ones to have spawned twice, ya know. And so I try hard to keep in mind that there are families out there with four kids. Or seven. Or single moms raising twins. They're adapting, surviving. Better - they're happy. But instead I think of these stupid exchanges that keep happening to me. A couple days ago I met a woman who stared at my belly and exclaimed, "Your kids will be HOW FAR APART? Are you CRAZY? Do you know how HARD that will be? What were you thinking! You're not going to keep working are you? Now THAT would be nuts."
Yes, she really used the word crazy. Yes, she really yelled it.
I just smiled and nodded and plotted future ways to humiliate her in public.
And then dwelled on it for the next 48 hours.
Truth be told, I am not exceptionally worried about where the new baby will sleep, what she'll wear or even what I'll scribble on the birth certificate that first morning in the hospital as I cradle her in the crook of my other arm, carefully avoiding the wound from the IV. I know that breast pump is around somewhere and if we can't dig up that infant bath, we can certainly get a new one.
I know that overall, of course everything will surely come together in the end. It always does.
But I am a little worried about why none of it has felt like a priority just yet.
I had written something of a pregnancy journal for her, even if it is too embarrassingly bad to ever share. I had read to her. I had sung to her. I had squinted my eyes hard and tried to envision what she might look like based on a few fuzzy sonogram shots.
By 26.5 weeks gestational time, i.e. today, i.e. the third trimester is upon me, i.e. holy shit there is really a baby inside me and it's going to come out one day very soon and it might actually need things--
I have done nothing.
Nada.
Forget nursery colors, there's not even a nursery. I haven't researched double strollers. I haven't dusted off the breast pump.
Not only don't we have a name picked out, we haven't even discussed it.
Although I am warming up to Moxie Crimefighter Too.
We don't even have a nickname. Sorry #2, you've simply been saddled with #2. I promise to make it up to you with extra dessert one day.
I'm not sure to what degree this lack of planning is simply the standard for baby # next, or a dastardly way of avoiding thinking about the inevitable changes to come.
Try as I might, I can't picture what our life will be like with double the daughters. I want to imagine buckling them in the car for a quick run to the store (to refill my Percocet scrip, no doubt). I try to see plane rides across country, hopefully on wide-bodied jets with the rare four seats across. I attempt to envision wrangling them both into a booth at the corner diner on those Saturdays when slapping together my own grilled cheese sandwich just seems too big a burden. And then I see myself opening the paper while seated alone at the diner with both girls, picking up a pen, opening the crossword as one of them starts to fuss and...
That's when my brain screeches to a halt, pulls an illegal U into oncoming traffic and finally steadies itself with more comfortable questions like whether we're out of milk or if I'll have time to get a pedicure during the week.
Hate to use an outdated ghetto-fabulous phrase, but it's like my subconscious is waving a flattened palm in the face of my conscious and saying, Oh no girl, don't even go there.
Of course as Nate reminds me whenever I allude to panicky feelings, we're not the first ones to have spawned twice, ya know. And so I try hard to keep in mind that there are families out there with four kids. Or seven. Or single moms raising twins. They're adapting, surviving. Better - they're happy. But instead I think of these stupid exchanges that keep happening to me. A couple days ago I met a woman who stared at my belly and exclaimed, "Your kids will be HOW FAR APART? Are you CRAZY? Do you know how HARD that will be? What were you thinking! You're not going to keep working are you? Now THAT would be nuts."
Yes, she really used the word crazy. Yes, she really yelled it.
I just smiled and nodded and plotted future ways to humiliate her in public.
And then dwelled on it for the next 48 hours.
Truth be told, I am not exceptionally worried about where the new baby will sleep, what she'll wear or even what I'll scribble on the birth certificate that first morning in the hospital as I cradle her in the crook of my other arm, carefully avoiding the wound from the IV. I know that breast pump is around somewhere and if we can't dig up that infant bath, we can certainly get a new one.
I know that overall, of course everything will surely come together in the end. It always does.
But I am a little worried about why none of it has felt like a priority just yet.
posted by Mom101 at 10:53 PM
73 Comments:
So weird. I recently "found" you, and have only read a couple posts so far. I didn't know you are pregnant. The weird part is that I'm also 26.5 weeks pregnant (except this is my third child) The other weird part is that I was having a weeping full on freak out about this very topic, right before opening my computer and reading your post. You sound much more composed about not making the whole "preparing" thing a priority, than I do. I have convinced myself its not normal to not be preparing, and that its not normal that its not a priority. I feel like I need to be preparing my two boys (who, by the way, are just under two years apart). I feel like I need to be preparing myself, our house, SOMETHING. I can't tell if I'm in denial or if other people do this. I feel like I prepared more with #2. I actually had gotten rid of every baby item in the house, because I thought we were done. So, as far as the "supplies" go, I'm seriously under-prepared in that department too. We are on one income, so its not like there's free flowing honey to replace all those baby items. What's my point? I don't know. I feel as though this new baby will sneak up on me, and I don't like that.
No worries, Liz! What you're describing is textbook. #2 will be better off because you have not planned for her every move. Promise! We too engaged in benign neglect of our second, both prenatally and postnatally. And our second has reached every milestone SOONER than our first did. He has a third parent, after all, and that parent is #1. Do not underestimate the huge role Thalia will play in this baby's life. I believe that my nine-year-old has profoundly shaped my five-year-old's personality.
When I went into labor with Jack, two weeks early and a day before a scheduled C-section, I wanted nothing more than to stop it all. It was one in the morning, and we had no plan for Ben (having assumed that this could not happen two weeks early). My primary concerns, even when my contractions were 1.5 minutes apart and I had not yet left for the hospital, were that I had undone laundry, and that Ben might not get his multivitamin in the morning.
And you know what? Jack arrived, and I adore him, and I can't imagine life without him, and he learned to ride a bike without training wheels two years before Ben. So there.
EVERYTHING is different with #2. It's kind of weird, the lack of preparation, the lack of....obsession. It's a good thing, really. My second lives a much more carefree and much less neurotic existence due to the pioneering of his brother.
It'll be okay, I promise. In a couple years, having two to occupy and keep one another company while you do that crossword, will be worth what you go through when they're little.
yeah i know what you mean. we found out 3 weeks ago that there will be a number 2, and neither my husband or i can really wrap out brains around it. we are talking about changing bedrooms around, things we will now need like a double stroller vs a sit/stand. but he keeps having to remind himself i'm pregnant, and i just feel like it isn't real, or maybe i'm just so focused on number one who is 22 months and requires lots of attention...so yeah i here you, and i think this is a weird way for me to be feeling.
Well, I'm half a week behind you (26 weeks today), and I stepped into a Babies R Us for the first time this weekend, thinking I would get an idea of what we needed for #2. Yeah, that didn't happen. I started looking at all the supplies, felt overwhelmed, and ran out of there as fast as I could.
We also have nothing prepared. The new nursery is currently a guest room/junk room that you can barely get in. We have no name. Cordy has not given up her crib. And I don't even know where Cordy's newborn clothes are, so I can't get started sorting those.
Nice to know I'm not the only one unprepared. I'm pretty sure the reason I'm not ready is because I'm scared to think about dealing with two, when one still is a handful at times.
The only thing that got me off my ass to buy the second crib was when I got a notice that the annual large object trash pickup was coming, which meant I could throw out the crib box and packaging. (Well, and also throw out the crib box and packaging that had been residing in my garage for almost two years from the first crib.)
The one thing I did with #2 that I never did while pregnant with #1 was the nesting. I vividly recall getting on my hands and knees, while many months pregnant, to not only scrub but also dry the hardwood floors. Then I sanitized the dog food container. I have no idea what that was about.
I didn't even have the crib together with my first one until after he was born and everything was fine.
With two kids, it'll still be easier with your husband because you can play man-on-man. My sister has three and says it's a constant "zone defense" situation. Plus, airplanes usually have four seats in a row, so she or her husband is stuck in the aisle.
When our second one comes around, I know what will be a priority and what won't and it won't bother me in the least that we haven't ordered anything monogrammed because everything does come together.
I'm actually more worried about #2 than I was with #1 and thinking about what to do more; because it's a boy and I have no experience with boys, and the only other room we have is a tiny, pathetic guest "prison" with no windows and two sliding doors. And because I'm thinking about it, I'm not DOING anything about it yet. So instead, I'm trying to declutter my own closets right now because I think it's a project I CAN handle.
I think that it is just the novelty of 'baby' has worn off a bit after having one. You already know what features you like in products & what things you can't live without. God, by the third, we didn't even have a baby bath anymore, he was just held in between his two sisters in the tub and 'splashed clean'!
Don't worry, though, it IS possible to obsess so much as to turn your 2nd into the same neurotic child you turn the first; just look at my sis & I (LOL Mrs Q!).
Just be glad you aren't one of those women who go to the bathroom one day and 'oops!', out comes a baby! "I didn't even know I was pregnant"! Now, THAT would be unprepared!
Um, did I ever mention how my second slept in his carseat in our bedroom for a few weeks, before I moved him to... the dining room? No? Huh. I should tell you about that sometime.
Nothing replicates the utter self-absorption that precedes the firstborn. Nothing. Thank goodness. ;)
No worries--it's completely normal. For #1, I read the week-by-week guide of every developmental milestone of my pregnancy. With #2, I didn't even know what week I was at (I'm impressed that you do.) :-)
You and me. Right there. It's a little erie. But, I chalk up the lack of priority to everything else that has to happen first, like moving into a house that will actually accomodate the baby. And secondly, like me, I think you know it will all come together one way or another. No sweat.
Amber - I had to do the math. Twice.
I believe baby # next is a new level of comfort. In the sense that, yes you obsessed over baby #1 because you had time to, and it was new. Not that baby # next isn't just as exciting, it just not as "all-consuming". You already know you'll have everything you need, when you need it. You are already busy caring for yourself AND your family; enjoy each moment as it comes. It's a good philosophy to have even once baby # next gets here. And don't worry, wrangling two kids into a diner will be just the same as wrangling one, once you get to it. You will forget why you were so worried about it. Believe me as a mother of two.
I hate people who do that! I hope you're successfully able to humiliate that woman in some fashion, as she really deserves a banana-cream pie in the kisser.
I had my two 27 months apart. I know someone who had her first two children FIFTEEN months apart. My mother had my brother and I sixteen months apart, and my MIL had her first two 18 months apart. Is it easy? No. But will you survive, and then thrive? Absolutely.
I'm not trying to sound like an obnoxious sage-type cheerleader here, but just so you know that I mean it, in the past I was diagnosed with something incredibly humiliating called Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and Depression. (Translation: I'm a major wimp who has trouble dealing with things.)
If I can adjust to two, something tells me that you can do it. If you're so inclined (I really regret not doing this) get yourself a sling. You'll have both arms free for Thalia.
As for the priority thing, I just think second pregnancies feel differently. They don't possess much of that first-baby hoopla/hysteria/excitement. And you're also very busy with another child. My firstborn didn't really give me enough free-time for planning. And by the time she was asleep, I was ready for bed as well.
A double stroller??! Now that's a good idea. I guess I should be thinking of that stuff. Sigh.
Jeez-- The little man (dubbed Plaxico Fishnet Q) is still in the crib, so I'm not entirely sure where Baby #2 (no nickname either) is going to sleep yet. The baby tub may work...
Jamie and I took photos of my belly every 2 weeks. This time around, the first shot I got was at 24 weeks. Since we're both second children, I thought we would be better about this...
And tell that nasty yelling woman to shaddap about children close in age. Everyone I talk to says how nice it will be to have two kids 2 years apart-- they will be playmates, share toys and interests, you don't have to babyproof twice, etc.. Then again, it could just be their response to the sheer terror in my eyes.
I know exactly how you feel! I, too, am 26.5 weeks along with baby #2. It's is so completely different. It's nice to read from the other commenters that this lack of preparation is normal.
Mine will be 18 months apart and if one more person tells me I'm CRAZY, I'll sit on them with my fat, pregnant butt.
A neighbor of mine with a few kids told me: with #1 you boil the pacifer, #2 you wipe it off on your jeans, #3 you kick the pacifer to them. I personally enjoyed the second time around because of the more relaxed approach.
I think it is just that you have been there, done that already. You have already done the research and made up your mind about things thata re important to you.
The same reason why I own no toddler books, don't worry about my younger children's development. The issues of sleeping through the night, when and how to potty train, and moving to the "big" boy bed, have all been done already and are therefore non issues.
I know it sounds trite, but once ths baby comes you will wonder why you ever worried about these things.
Also, I wonder if a lot of this 18 mos apart are you crazy stuff, has to do with where you live. Most of the people I know in the suburbs have their two kids less than 2 years apart. It seems to be the norm here.
When I was in NYC last week I was suprised by the double strollers in the city. It totally looked like the smaller baby was stuffed in the storage basket of the strollers.
Listen to Nate. He sounds much more rational about this. (Then again, this was probably his bright idea right?)
What Amy said.
You know what's great? Even if you do NO prep whatsoever, it will still all work out just fine. Strike that -- you might want to choose a name and get a few diapers. But that's about all you really have to do. The baby will come, the love will come, it will all come of its own accord.
I'm so excited for you.
To also use a outdated ghetto-fabulous phrase, I feel ya, sister. I'm 13 weeks along with #2 and #1 is having his first birthday next tuesday. I find that sometimes I forget I'm pregnant, but I think it's some kind of survival mechanism. If I actually thought about that fact that I'm going to have the dreaded '2 under 2' in a few months, my head might explode.
remember when i had that series of early labor scenarios in early november? (and by early, i mean two weeks before the due date). after the first visit (of 3) to triage we came home and frantically did all the things we had done months before with #1. we had done not one thing. And you suddenly realize that all you need is about ten onesies, ten sleepers, diapers, diaper cream and some blankets (ok. a few more things, but not much really--because you overprepared with number one, you really did)
and every time my mind went to imagining life with two i also backtracked because all i could envision was no sleep and being freaked out.
and actually. it's really ok. i promise. but when you're pregnant you can't really get your head around it, so I would just stick with the crossword and wait til B-Day. don't fret and just suck up the calm for the next few months. (and the not-calm to come? it's a good not-calm mostly:))
I'll only speak to your concern about why this hasn't all seemed like a priority to you yet. It is simple physics, my dear. You take a pitcher of water. You can pour that water into as many glasses as you want. The more glasses you choose to pour water in, the less water each glass will get. In life, you only have so much water (energy) and you can pour that energy into a lot of glasses or a few. The few the glasses, though, the more of your energy that glass gets. (Is this getting confusing?) Anyway... the crib, paint, etc., all require your energy but you are already giving out a lot of it to your "Bean," your husband, your job. Those are excellent places to be giving it. A baby doesn't know where it is sleeping or care what color the room is. You know that (somewhere inside there) and you are giving what you have where it is needed now. When little beanie number two gets here, you'll give her exactly what she needs. I'm sure.
(I hope this made sense to you. I personally use that "physics lesson" every time I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I should be doing more than I am... in other words: every day of my life.)
Ah, don't worry about the lack of obsessing about baby #2 right now.
It's normal, it's healthy and it's all good.
Besides, #2 will more likely give you ample enough reason to obsess and worry about her in the future.
Afterall, she's bound to be much more of a free spirit than Thalia, and thus more susceptible to the wilder side of life.
While Thalia is cracking the books, #2 might be smoking weed out back and pondering the merits of the stripper pole.
Kidding. Totally kidding. Maybe.
LOL. Good luck, relax and enjoy.
(And might I point out that the name Moxie Crimefighter Too is a perfect dancer's name....)
Aw, don't worry (says she who has just one five-month-old). I bet your lack of preparation is just that you're such a practiced parent, you don't need it.
PS We didn't have a name for our baby, either. We actually delayed leaving the hospital by about an hour simply because we spent that hour trying to decide what to name our boy so we could get the hell home.
Your life will never be the same again, and that's the truth. But, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Say that over and over again and everything will work out perfectly. I promise.
At least you seem to be honest with yourself. When I found out I was pregnant with number 2, a second daughter, fifteen months her sissy's junior I, 1. Went days at a time early in pregnancy not even remembering I was pregnant until someone else brought it up and 2. Did NO pre-birth preperation because I just figured we already had everything!
And after she is born you will be cruising along happily and still run into idiots that will tell you you're nuts.
This is how it works the second time around. You are right on schedule! I was exactly the same way with #2 and so far have managed to keep her alive and happy for nearly two years. She doesn't seem to notice that I didn't spend days pondering what she would be like while she was in utero.
Someone told me to raise my first (and only, so far) child as if he were my second - in short, to be more relaxed. So you're handling baby 2 the right way.
Something I've imagined saying (but never actually verbalized) to people like the nasty lady who told you that you're crazy: "I certainly hope you're not recommending an abortion. I am so shocked!"
Regarding four seats in a row on the airplane: It's actually nice to have two seats behind another two seats. That way, if you have a kicker, you put her behind mom or dad, and you don't have to worry about apologizing to a stranger for getting kicked for the whole flight.
My second son is three and half now and I STILL call him by his brother's name most of the time!!!!! And the dog's. And the cat's. Any my husband's. I swear I go through them all before I actually get to Gavin. OH YEAH, his name is Gavin. Poor kid, I am sure he is going to be diagnosed with Multiple Personalities in the near future!!!!
The reason it doesn't feel like a priority is that...despite your tagline...you're smarter about all this than you realize. You've been there, you've done that, and you know it's all going to be just fine. And it will be. Better than fine.
On another note, who are these people who have never heard of...and are even SHOCKED! by...babies born two years apart. Huh? Do they live in an alternative universe? This is nothing shocking, aweing, or even new. Now, if you actually push two children out of your body only two months apart, well, then I'd be surprised. But even still, not so much. Modern science and all.
WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?! GOOD LORD WOMAN!!! MOXIE CRIMEFIGHTER? NO WAY!
PILOT INSPEKTOR!
(works for girls and boys, I hear. You'll be great, don't worry. And, seriously, you get pedicures once a week? Bitch.)
Yeah I got the same crap except my kids are 11 year apart. Everyone's all...Oops did we have an accident? I'm all shit yeah, you want to move out of my way I need cake. Anyway, people are so rude and I have just gotten over it being a teenage Mom and all! At least you vagely remember what to do...I feel like a paranoid, neurotic first time Mom, it's crazy! If I can do this so can you, no problem!
Hang in there. My girls are 5, 3 and 9 months and while it's crazy and I drink a lot (kidding) it's also wonderful and often easy and always OK. And they're great playmates when they're not gouging out each other's eyes. It's going to be great!
Ah yes, the baby stuff.
Well, in the case of the first child, obsessing about the stuff - even when it was enjoyable - was a way for me to not have to think about things like, "How will the baby REALLY get out of my body?" or "What if the baby hates me?"
By this last time around, I was pretty sure that the the baby would get out some way and that there would be some pain involved, and that even if the critter did hate me, he'd still have to hang around with me because I'm the meal ticket.
It will all come together. You are confident, that's all. Confident that it will all come together.
And just think...this time around you won't even worry about sterilizing pacifiers. You'll just lick it and put it back in the kid's mouth. Take THAT, crazy!
And the name Josette is loverly. Really. Or how about Seconda? ;-)
how could anyone doubt the powers of birth order after you post something soooo true?!?
First of all, love you. Second, you are an old pro. You know what to expect this time around and I think it's awesome that you're laid back about it. I think you're playing it cool and that when the time comes to make it a priority.
A la names...How about Deux?
You know if you actually name the kid Number 2, people at school will make poop jokes, right? :)
I was worried about all that stuff and I only had one!
I desperately want another child...but yet I went through so much when I was pregnant the first time. Gestational, pre-eclampsia....bedrest. I sometimes feel out of the loop because Dawson is 2 1/2 and if I get pregnant my kids will be more than 3 years apart and everyone tells me that's too much. I can't stand it.
I hurriedly prepared for DD#2 the week she was born, a week late. If she'd come early or on time, I'd've been in trouble.
(Rationale...by now, we knew All That Stuff was unecessary. By now, we knew the baby would end up asleep on top of me wherever my sleep-deprived self fell, usually in my bed. By now we knew the need for stuff wouldn't happen right away.)
We chose the name in the hospital. (Rationale...how can you name someone you've never even met? Never you mind the first time around our first was named early second trimester and it was perfect.)
Spacing comments are stupid. Too many variables to even comment. I always say, "Oh that's a great age difference!" because good grief, it will be.
I think all that STUFF we get for #1 is really a red herring. I think we try to console ourselves that by being physically ready we will be emotionally ready to parent.
You see? You've cleared the first mothering hurdle.
You already know what you do and don't need, how to be a parent, and know you are emotionally ready to parent, even if this is a big change and a new child.
26.5 weeks? I'd say you are early to worry for #2 in my experience.
I swear I was full-term before I even thought to wonder, huh, did I keep back any baby blankets or has Patience got them all for her dolls?
GL!
And FTR, Mary-Lue is brilliant. Love the physics lesson.
P.S. And when you don't have the same number of albums, journals and have to spend a few minutes counting on your hands when someone asks you how old #2 is (whereas you were master of that for #1) know that's normal too. And the world is full of #2s with skimpy baby books and they are FINE FINE FINE anyway.
I think you just have more time on your hands to get stuff done when you are pregnant with the first one. I mean really, what else did you have to do back then. Life gets much busier once that baby arrives. You just have a lot on your plate with the one you already have.
I know you will absolutely be ready when the time comes and if you're not, that's ok too. Nothing a quick run to Target can't solve once the baby gets here.
See, before you didn't know what to expect and now you do. Easy Peasey, right?
Bossy thinks you are "relaxed" because you remember from #1 that the big old crib doesn't get used for a few months - and the cute toys get ditched in favor of the wrapping paper that clothed them. Either that or you are relaxed because the second time around we drink straight out of the gin bottle.
One year down and I remember those feelings. It is the been there, done that syndrome. It will come together. Hey, at least you have choices. Poor Sam had to get stuff from whatever store happened to be opened after a nautral disaster. We did it and so can you.
Good Luck and Holy crap, time flies.
Ah yes, I felt that same sort of apathy and lack of a sense of urgency when PG with #2. I think it's because you now know that, after baby arrives, you can still do some stuff, like dust off a breast pump, throw together a make-shift crib, what have you, so you don't feel like you have to get absolutely everything done before baby comes. And that relaxed, lackadaisical feeling will last, even after baby #2 arrives.
After baby #2's birth, I was SO much less stressed and uptight as compared to those early days after baby #1 came home.
Yup - #2 is a whole other ballgame. You're fine. It's all good.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. Honestly. With baby #1, you didn't already have a sweet girl who was the center of your world and required a lot of attention.
My second pregnancy was different because baby #1 was born 6 weeks early, spent several weeks in the NICU and baby #2 was considered high risk. I was neurotic about counting days off of the calendar, thanking God when we passed the date of viability, cheering when she reached 2 pounds, breathing a sigh of relief when we hit the 28 week mark because if she was born then she'd have a high likelihood of surviving without any major complications. Right at that 28 week milestone, I was dilated to 1 cm and put on bed rest. For 10 weeks. Strict bed rest, the kind where you're only allowed to get up to pee, shower (once per day) and prepare your meals. I had to rely on my husband to get everything ready. So, priority number one wasn't getting the STUFF together. Priority number one was PRODUCING A HEALTHY BABY.
My point being this: you are creating a human being at the same time you are caring for your daughter. The stuff will follow. Don't worry so much.
If I remember correctly, those last 14 weeks of my wife's pregnancy were the longest 14 weeks of our lives. We could have furnished the Taj Mahal during that period. (Of course, we didn't actually do anything until her 34th week but we COULD have!)
Our baby boy just debuted a few weeks early, we had no name picked, his bedroom is still under major construction, we dont have a crib mattress, or baby bath, or bouncy seat... it's coming together though. As panicked as I felt over the last few months about not being ready, well, it just simply doesnt matter anymore
Love your blog, Liz. Even without kids, the universal issues and the powerful writing drews me right in.
Bonnie K.
We have been in the process of adopting our #2 for TWO years now. We are just a couple of weeks away from seeing her picture for the first time and a couple of months away from bringing her home.
I have two friends that are bugging me to go register and asking me about a baby shower. All I can say is, "well, we'll need a monitor". I know there are things that I should be freaking out about - like a name besides "#2" -but I haven't managed it yet.
I'd chalk it up to knowing you've "been there, done that" and can do it again like a pro. #2 won't know she wasn't born with a nickname- I'm sure she'll get one pretty quickly!!
As someone a half a week behind you in pregnancy jail, with my 5th, I can say none are EVER the same.. with my 3rd, I was like you, that kid was lucky to have a diaper bag, it wasn't until after his birth I went freako and shopped like a mad lady (realllly fun with the after effects of birth leaking everywhere) and with this one I'm hoarding crap like I'm never going to leave the house again. And only the bassinet has been bought. But if he happens to come out with teeth, he'll be well fed until he's 18 with the amounts of food I've gotten. It's alll different, and it's alll gravy.. your preparing in your own way, she'll be fine!
Same issue as you with #2. Only had a name, nothing else. Gotta tell you, had him on Sunday and must say the denial made the 39 weeks FLY BY. And it appears that I like him as much as the last one. And my labor was about 24 hours shorter. Maybe all that lack of stress was a blessing in disguise...:-)
When I was pregnant with my third, someone gave me a joke similar to this one. This one's missing the part where with your first child you record every second of their first few months in a gold embossed baby book (first smile, first teeth, etc.), with your second child there are some notes written on the backs of old envelopes and for the third child..."go ask Grandma."
Heh, I think...I thought...what you're thinking...each and every time, too.
Some things will be easier; others...not so much.
The "happy" you mentioned, is so damn worth it, though.
Yes, there'll always be worries - no matter how many and how far apart they are - but, judging from what I've read here (and based on sitting in a room with you for only two hours) I think you'll be fine.
Then - after, like 3 or 4 - it won't even matter so much, anymore.
Like, whether or not they've taken a shower and actually used soap.
Got Lysol?
This has been said, I'm sure, but here it is again - it's not a priority because this time, you know what you're doing. You've been dere dun dat. You're not gripped with worry because you don't need to be - what you know you need to know, you already know.
And all that other stuff, that you might need to know but don't know it yet? You're blocking it out. Because it's safer that way. For your sanity.
Oh people can just be so stupid sometimes!
It is hard in the beginning to have two close together, BUT when they get a little bigger, it's wonderful to have them be so close in age. Really... you'll have the last laugh -- and all will be well.
It is all going to be fine. Everyone I know who has children closer together than not say that they are happy that it turned out that way.
And, If you must know, my parents refer to me and my brother in emails as "#1" and "#2". So much so that he and I now sign off to each other as "Kid #1" or "Kid#2".
So I think that #2 is a fine name. (Except that I am Kid #1)
I am sure this was exceptionally helpful.
Delurking to say its not so bad. My parents did the Brady bunch thing (5 kids), then 15 yrs later - suprise! Here I came along. When my mom was pregs with me, my dad wouldn't let her do any prep b/c he knew a lady who had really got into prepping for the baby then lost it. So I guess since mom was older he was worried about her getting too attached or something. Anyway, she tells me after she brought me home that she was bringing out the old crib & washing it so she'd have somewhere to put me. :) And I turned out fine (really).
You sound exactly like I did with my second. I swear, I caught my 34-week-pregnant profile in the window of a store as I was carrying my son (you know, with his leg resting on top of the belly) and I thought "whoa, I really am having another baby"!
I think it's just different the 2nd and 3rd time around. You have other distractions (like your daughter) and not as much time to spend just thinking about that little life inside you.
Don't feel bad, it's perfectly normal, and you are probably more prepared than you know!
Carrie
That is exactly how I felt! With number 2 I felt no urge to obsessively decorate or prepare in any way. At 36 weeks I finally got my butt into gear after I was hospitalized for a kidney stone and realized "Oh my friggin, god, I've done NOTHING!" Then we frantically ordered a new dresser and washed clothes.
And you will survive. I promise. I know the task seems daunting right now and, yes, there will be an adjustment period, but you'll get into a routine and it will be as if there were always 2. My boys are 15 months apart and I heard all the same comments. My youngest is now 13 months, so we survived the first year. Good luck!
Oh my god, I know there's a lot in this post that I love and relate to but the thing I keep thinking over in my head? "Holy crap, 27 weeks is the third trimester? Holy crap..."
Because I'm 23 weeks prego with #2 and what baby? What? baby?
Thank you.
Yes they are close together but that way they might even play with each other one day. Mine are so far apart that I'm raising two only-childs right next too each other (fighting, screaming, jealousy....)
With the second child you are more relaxed and that is just fine!
You went throuh all this before, you have all the stuff that you need and you know that alot of the big ado is totally unnecessary.
And for you the "Way to do this" has not changed yet. When I was in the hospital with my second son I suddenly had to do things differently. "What do you mean, not sleeping on the side? On the back?" Of course, my first son slept on the side and my second son as well and the don't have a flat backhead thankyouverymuch...
You'll be fine.
And that whole "oh my god, we're having a baby!!!", skip it. Babys have been born and will be born all the time. And the only thing they really need is love.
Because you've been there, done that and know what is important and what is not. You are a pro.
I just gave birth to my second child a mere 7 weeks ago. The first one turned 2 in the meantime. It was really overwhelming (the first 4-6 weeks or so) but we've finally hit our stride and I think it only gets better from here. The only difference between 2 and 1 child is that it takes a bit longer to forget what it was like before there was 2.
Hi, again! As a mother of two babies, 11 months apart, I know exactly what you're going through. I was not as prepared with my second (I didn't even have her crib set up until 2 months ago and Ava is already 8 months!). So I guess this is still an on going matter. But you'd be surprised at how less worried you'll be when "#2" arrives. Yes, there will be some challenges and you'll feel like pulling your hair out, but you will survive it - like all mothers do and reap the benefits of raising two wonderful children. I guess that's why they call it Surviving Motherhood. You will be a great second time mom! :-)
It'll all come together in the end, as you said. I know what you're saying, though. With Mimi, my pregnancy was in the forefront of my thoughts CONSTANTLY -- the world seemed to revolve around decisions related to the baby. With Rosie, I don't think it really sunk in that we were having another baby until the morning we were in the hospital gearing up for delivery. Then it started to seem real.
And I wanted to tell you, if I see that 'CRAZY' mom, I'll smack her for ya. ;-)
It'll fall into place. You know it will. And, hello, my #5 and #6 weren't named until after they were born. I did zero prep for #6, cuz she came 17 months after #5 and I was too tired to think about it.
You will be great. How could you not?
(And, for some reason, google/blogger doesn't recognize me, so I'm over at www.momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com)
I had twins when my oldest was 20 months old. All infertility babies. We actually started trying again right away after #1. Best thing ever...he never knew what just happened in his little world! They are now 10 and almost 9 and best friends. Seriously. They get along really well and we never have to switch gears to deal with them like if we had many ages. They like the same things and have always been playmates. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
4 weeks away from my due date and a 21 month old toddler... same boat as you... ppl always think they can plan your kids better than you! and yeah.. i am also pretty calm abt the second one.. its all good.
I was totally not ready with clothes or anything for DS, now 13... thank goodness, at least when he was born I was ready with the birthing supplies, as we had planned for him to be born at home (as was DD, now 18) - because he came in >gasp!< under an hour from the time I realized I was in labor! Caught by papa (DH), wrapped up and waited for midwife... fun was had by all!
Cheers and best to you, Mom!
I'm 35.5 weeks along with my second boy...
We have no name picked out.
The crib is not set up.
I haven't bought any new clothes yet, or washed the hand-me-downs.
I have no carseat!!!
I'm freaking out as I write this.
I don't have my bag packed.
My house is a mess.
And my 3 year old is potty training.
I'm hoping I'll go to 48 weeks, by then i might be ready.
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