Top tips for enjoying your Club Med vacation in the post-having-sex-with-the-GOs era

The last time I went to a Club Med, Clinton was president, I was wearing a size 4 bikini--without underwire--and I think I made out with the GO who ran the trapeze. It's hard to say. There was a lot of tequila.

Let's just say a lot has changed in the last decade or so, both in terms of my own (ahem) vacation expectations and the resort itself.

With wanton debauchery a thing of the past, Club Med resorts are almost entirely devoted to families now, and I was lucky enough to get an invite to check out the new bazillion dollar reopening of the Punta Cana resort on a press junket this weekend.

And by press junket, I mean holy hell do I love my job sometimes.

Here are a few things I observed about a Club Med vacation which, as it turns out, indeeds remains the antidote to civilization. Even though there are now flat-screens in the room and Guitar Hero around the bar.

1. If you spill an entire bottle of wine on your iPhone on the very first night so that it doesn't work? It's not the end of the world. It might even be the beginning of a better vacation.

2. Sipping rum out of a whole fresh coconut is more romantic than it sounds. Unless you're already accustomed to toting along a 2o pound bowling ball in one hand while trying to dance or shake hands or simply keep your balance.

Still, it does beat Starbucks

3. Pack enough diapers for your children to last the trip.

4. If you do pack enough diapers for your children to last the trip, don't not lose them somewhere between the shuttle to the hotel and your room.

5. If you do lose your diapers between the shuttle and the room, make sure you have an extra $30,000 US in the bank to pay for replacements.

Or, let them pee in the ocean. Works for me.

6. Buffets are highly underrated. Unless you're three, in which case Frosted Flakes is always the safe bet.

It's not like she'd want an omelet made to order or fresh passion fruit or anything

7. It is not possible to smoke a cigar post 1999 without looking like a complete cigar-smoking Wall Street douche. Even if the very last thing that you are is a cigar-smoking Wall Street douche and more like a really funny guy who serves Soho tourists onion soup for a living.

The Lord duChebag

8. The more drinks you've consumed, the better idea you will think it is to take endless photos of the bartender pouring said drinks. Even if he can balance a glass on a spoon on his arm. I blame it all on the magic bracelet.

2 in a series of 154

16 in a series of 154

9. That huge spider in your room? Ignore it.

10. That woman with the huge fake boobs that every guy in the lobby is checking out? Ignore it.

11. Enjoy being in an environment where European parents look at you funny because you're not keeping your children up until 10PM to watch the family show. It is decidedly nicer than being in an environment where American parents look at you funny because your children are still awake at 8PM.

Tomorrow: Sleeping. Tonight: The mambo.

12. If your kid gets some sort of courtesy diploma that every kid gets at the end of the trip, just know that whichever one she got was the best award of all of them, and no doubt the staff gave it to your kid as a secret code to you that she was the best of all the kids they had ever seen. Ever.

One step closer to Harvard

13. Some words just don't translate well.

One of guest units on property.

14. The best loved aspect of resort by children will not be the brand new playground or the kids pool with the water slides and the squirters, the tennis courts or the guy who dresses up in a bee costume to welcome them on arrival.

It will be some rocks.

Rocks. Very popular.

15. White chocolate bread. Enough said.

16. On the last day of the trip, skip the shower. You'll lie in bed that night still smelling the chlorine on your skin and the ocean in your hair. You'll love how those errant grains of sand tumble out from between your toes as you pull up the blankets and listen to the wind rattling your windows.

No, wasn't a dream.

If not, well, you always have the photos.


Blogger carrie said...

Yay! Glad you all had fun, it looks wonderful, even if there was no tequila.

Tequila and I are not friends.

12/7/08, 11:41 PM  
Blogger Petunia Face said...

Holy mother of GO's, what is your job that they send you to Club Med on a press junket (and don't require you to sleep with anybody)(unless, of course, you want to)?

Better question: ARE THEY HIRING?

12/8/08, 12:14 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Wow! Looks like you had an awesome vacation (business trip???). Awesome pics, awesome post!!!

12/8/08, 12:26 AM  
Blogger Mahlers On Safari said...

That was good for multiple crack ups! Looks like you had a wonderful time.

And thanks for reminding me about your last Club Med trip - which was solo if I remember? I guess this one wasn't better, just different. Very very different.

12/8/08, 6:52 AM  
Blogger Reff said...

Lord duChebag :-)
You know I always wanted to like Cigars. I mean how cool is it to have fire coming out of your face(!), but I don't know...makes a mouth too stinky.

12/8/08, 7:48 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Reff, feel free to pass that bit of wisdom along any time.

12/8/08, 7:54 AM  
Blogger Russ, Anna and Pepper said...

Boy how things change, sometime even for the better!!!

12/8/08, 8:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, what fun!

12/8/08, 10:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We also just got back from the Club Med in Ixtapa. It was quite a change from our backpaacking days. I had never heard of a GO before arriving there... I learned quick that they are all camp counselors. We had a great time once we got into the grove. It is like a giant cruise ship with a beach!

12/8/08, 10:45 AM  
Blogger T with Honey said...

I had been dreaming of a white Christmas. Now? I'm dreaming of a tropical getaway. That looks like a little slice of Heaven on Earth.

12/8/08, 10:56 AM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

So glad you had some time to relax and decompress. And, how many pounds of rocks did you find in your luggage? We would've needed a separate suitcase for them.

12/8/08, 10:57 AM  
Anonymous international stay-at-home-dad of mystery said...

may I ask the somewhat obvious and ungoogable question of what a GO is ???

Sounds like a great trip you had!

12/8/08, 11:06 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh and here I am dropping insider lingo like I'm some sort of fancy pants --

GO stands for gentils organisateurs (gracious organizers) or really...staff. The guests are called gentils membres or gracious members.

Which sounds a little culty I guess. But that's how they roll at Club Med.

12/8/08, 11:28 AM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

A whole bottle of wine? On an iPhone? Double foul!

What a great time. You deserved that trip, and many many more.

12/8/08, 1:31 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

Ok, where do I sign up? Next year, I'm doing this for sure. Love the picture in #14, so freaking cute.

And I'm living under a pool of drool, this I know...but Sage walks?

12/8/08, 2:11 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Issa, she's 19 months.

Now wait til I tell you about the time she commandeered our car and ran out to get beer when we were asleep.

12/8/08, 2:17 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

you are soo brave for taking your girls on vacation....i so am not ready for that...;)

12/8/08, 3:28 PM  
Anonymous Hilary said...

It's like 30 degrees where I am. Needless to say, am jealous times one hundred.

12/8/08, 3:37 PM  
Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Damn. I so want your job.

12/8/08, 4:26 PM  
Blogger Cynthia Samuels said...

How wonderful! The pix are adorable, too. There really is nothing like watching your kids happy at the beach - unless it's being happy at the beach too. Welcome home.

12/8/08, 5:53 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

We went to that same resort 2 years ago and loved it!! Except for the shopping excursion...I don't recommend that - BUT the zoo/dolphin excursion was awesome!

12/8/08, 6:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We went to the Club Med resort in Ixtapa, Mexico, with a 5-month old and yeah! it was awesome. Can't wait to go back. Club Med has definitely changed.

12/8/08, 9:09 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

I loved this! It would make a fun travel article in a magazine. Looks like it was a beautiful place to vacation at too. I'm jealous! I'm glad you and your family had a good time though!

12/8/08, 9:24 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

If ever there was a reason for trying to up my blog stats and attract bigger PR people, this would be it.

Looks like you had a lovely time.

12/8/08, 10:18 PM  
Anonymous beyond said...

i usually just drink coconut water out of the coconut, but rum sounds like a nice change. you 'sound' very relaxed in this post. i am thrilled you and your family had a good time.

12/8/08, 10:30 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

A tropical vacation where you bring both kids and it's that much fun? Excellent. And so looking forward to it. . . someday. Getting to sleep four hours in a row is treat enough right now.

12/8/08, 11:22 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

What a great treat for all of you. Looks like you had a blast.
So is she potty trained now? I mean given the opportunity...

12/9/08, 3:25 AM  
Anonymous Melizzard said...

I think that may be the best vacation recap ever!

12/9/08, 8:46 AM  
Blogger Wicked Step Mom said...

Awesome vacation! I am glad that you guys had a good time!

P.S. The diapers thing just sounds truly scary! I would have freaked out!

12/9/08, 10:00 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Are you telling me they had The Bumblebee guy from The Simpsons there to greet you on arrival? Ay-ay-ay!

12/9/08, 1:12 PM  
Anonymous Rita Arens said...

I'm soooo glad you posted these. And I'm so glad you had a great time.

12/9/08, 3:14 PM  
Blogger RenĂ©e aka Mekhismom said...

Now that is an awesome trip. For business? Well, that is just great. Family time in Punta Cana can't be beat. I love DR.

12/10/08, 12:46 PM  
Anonymous claudia said...

wait! i think i made out with the trapeze guy too! he had nice hip cleavage if i recall....ah, the days...

12/11/08, 10:57 AM  
Anonymous Medela said...

Awesome camera work! you guys seem to have a huge blast there, only thing missing was the tequila! by the way do you still love tequila? as for me I erased the word tequila from my dictionary as soon as I got pregnant!

12/11/08, 1:41 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

My Lord also feels the need on occaision to sample fire. And funny, those are also the times I am reminded he is also of the DuChebag lineage. ;)

12/11/08, 11:47 PM  
Anonymous veep veep said...

Love that Sage and Thalia were on the dance floor doing "mambo numbre cinque" with Nate.

12/13/08, 5:40 AM  
Blogger sweatpantsmom said...

I want your job!

I'd say definitely worth an iPhone. And having to put up with the woman with the big fake boobs.

12/13/08, 9:10 PM  

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