8.21.2006

#2

I want to be the woman who can look at my new post-baby body and sigh and smile and love it and accept it. La la la life is beautiful because I have a baby and hey, is that a rainbow over there?

But I'm not.

I suppose I'm shallow that way.

It's not that I'm aerobicized, pilate-d or yoga-ed--on the contrary. I hate excercising. Almost as much as I hate eating anything that isn't entirely a carbohydrate. (With the exception of cheese, which is the one substance in the world I could not live without.) But I do admit that now, thirteen months post-baby, my body is starting to again resemble its former self and it makes me happy.

It makes me happy to only have to suck my stomach in half as much as I did before.

It makes me happy that my XL oxfords no longer require the strength of J-Lo quality doublestick tape between the buttons to keep them closed at my bustline.

It makes me happy that I'm starting to acquire some photos of me that I'm not mortified to put in Thalia's baby album.

It makes me happy to be nearing my pre-baby weight.

So sue me.

(Meanwhile, could someone please explain to me exactly how this new weight distribution works? How is it possible to be the same weight as you once were, only everything about your body is bigger--bigger boobs, bigger hips, bigger belly, bigger arms. What exactly is smaller then? Do my toenails weigh less? Have several pounds worth of bones somehow sloughed off into my system and disintigrated? I'm confounded. )

I recently bought some new clothes to replace the maternity skirts and tees that overstayed their welcome in my closet. I bought some new bras to keep the droopy new (but mercifully smaller) boobs hoisted up to a reasonable half-mast position. I even bought some new thongs. Good ones.

And just as I'm feeling like me again, like a woman who can walk down the street without being entirely obsessed with the size of every single other woman's ass relative to my own--Nate and I start to have the baby number two talk.

And inside, I freak a little. Just a little.

I was not one of those cute pregnant women that I pass on the streets of New York every day. I did not have chiseled little arms and a tight little butt and a cute little bump. I had the body that made the salesgirl at an overpriced Madison Avenue maternity boutique look me up and down and sneer, "I don't think we have anything that will fit you here."

I bought a ridiculously priced black maternity dress just to spite her.

And then, four days later, I made the shameful trek back to Manhattan, back to the dreaded Upper East Side, back to the store, along with my stepmother for moral support, just hoping that that same saleswoman would not be there when I begged them to take it back.

She was there.

I exchanged it for the only item that would fit me: A $200 diaper bag.

Yeah, I showed her.

If it were only the weight that I was worried about now, I would be selfish. Disgusting. One of Those Women. I certainly know there are women who had it worse than me, still have it worse than me, wish they could have the hips that I pour into my Fat Jeans, wish they could have the stomach that hangs over my seat belt in the car. But it's more than the weight.

I had a pregnancy that--what's the technical term again? Oh yeah: It sucked.

Besides the sciatica, the nausea, the clumps of hair in the drain, the standard war stories and pregnancy complaints that forever bond us to one another as materniveterans, I had lots and lots of bedrest.

Bedrest, if you haven't heard, is not fun. Not really. I would not for a second compare it to, say, karaoke night with your best friends or a shopping spree at Bendel's.

Thanks to a cautious high-risk OB and the threat of cervical incompetence (Hi, your cervix? Yeah, tooootally incompetent. Can't do its job at all, and considering what we're paying - well we just might replace it with a cheaper cervix from South America.) I was confined to my home for much of the 41.5 weeks of my pregnancy.

I was sometimes allowed to walk my dog. I was sometimes allowed to walk to the corner deli for lunch. I was sometimes allowed only to walk to the bathroom and back.

Exercise: Not even.

Travel: Verboten.

Sex?

Pfffffft.

Instead I immersed myself in online message boards, in registry research, in reality show reruns I had no business watching. I am far too intimate with Danny Bonaduce's freckles. I went through the entire third season of The Surreal Life. Twice. But it's what I could manage from bed.

You could safely say I was depressed.

For the first time in my life, I had no control over this thing that was happening to me. I couldn't work harder and make it go away. There was no more I could do. What I had to do was less.

I'm not good at doing less. I would not list that as one of my skills on a job interview.

To make matters worse, I had to force gracious responses to well-meaning friends who assured me, it's for the good of the baby - you want a healthy baby, right? Oh it's for the baby in the end the baby the baby a healthy baby baby baby baby. Their words had the opposite effect than intended. Because then I felt both shitty and guilty--guilty for wanting my life back when meanwhile, the baby the baby oh the baby.

I felt like an incubator. A fat, depressed, bedridden incubator.

And now, even as I read this, I fear that I sound like an insensitive jerk. Please don't think I'm an insensitive jerk?

I know there are people who are desperate for a baby, would do anything to have a pregnancy as "easy" as mine was. I know, as Nate reminded me this weekend, that it's nine months of yuck for a whole lifetime of joy. I know that should I be lucky enough to put the almost 38 year-old ovaries to good use again, that it will of course be worth it. Every minute of the pain, the misery, the weight gain, the sacrifice. There isn't even a question about that.

But still, I freaked. Just a little.

-----

Edited to add: To clarify, I wasn't on bedrest the entire pregnancy. It was off and on the entire pregnancy - weeks here, days there. I've known those who had it for 7 months straight and their experiences made mine seem like roses and sunshine.


92 Comments:

Blogger Awesome Mom said...

Number two is hard but also worth it also. I love it when my two boys interact and laugh at each other. I don't think that any one can blame you for feeling nervous about thinking about #2 especially after being on bed rest so long.

8/20/06, 9:41 PM  
Blogger Queso said...

Um, okay, you're not an insensitive jerk. You're honest. And, of course, when it comes to this topic, there are about 47 kabillion completely valid perspectives, thought processes and emotions...very often coming from a single person, at any given moment.

I've been someone who couldn't get pregnant, and then could, and then couldn't, and then didn’t care, and then did care, and then didn’t care, and then got knocked up, and then had several miscarriages, and then thought about adoption, and then got pregnant, and then had a baby. And now the process is starting all over again, or not, or maybe, or I'm not really sure. And all the while I worried about everything imaginable.

Because making people is hard.

And whatever your path to bring them into your life...by pregnancy, or never-ending adoption process, or mindnumbingly eternal bed rest, or life changing PPD, or the dreaded effing giganta-ass body takeover, it's tough. And it sucks. And it's a sacrifice. And of course, it's an amazing miracle and blessing. It's all of it. Plus more and more and different and more.

Because no matter what crooked road it takes that baby to make it into your arms, it's totally worth it; but it IS usually quite the journey. And it's completely normal to dread the journey.

8/20/06, 10:06 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

I don't blame you the slightest. I can't imagine being on bed rest so long--I would hesitate to go through that again too, even though the reward is great.

I had a difficult birth, and I can't get past that to even think seriously about number 2 yet (but I want to).

I think it's normal to freak. It's freaky shit.

8/20/06, 10:12 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

Hmm. I have no wonderful words of wisdom. My pregnancies, while not roses and sunshine, were not bedrest pregnancies which are a whole nother realm unto themselves. Hats off to you for even considering it again. At least if you guys DO decide to get pg, you can plan in advance. You know, buy several other Surreal Life seasons, invest in many, many magazine subscriptions, arrange several "projects" with all pieces ready to go that can take place from your resting spot... Just in case you are bedrested again.

And you're not selfish. Nobody else has to go through relinquishing their body for 1-2 years for the baby but you.

8/20/06, 10:14 PM  
Anonymous Kristin said...

I hated being pregnant and I wasn't even on bed rest.

I don't think it's despicable at all, I think there are a lot of women who don't enjoy it, even when they love the holy living hell out of their babies.

8/20/06, 10:17 PM  
Blogger Mayberry said...

Tracey is so right. You have to give up your body nearly 100%--nothing selfish about having qualms about that.

Part of me would love a 3rd child, but all the other parts of me would protest STRONGLY. Pregnancy sucked, and I wasn't even on bedrest, so your magnitude of suckitude was much, much greater.

8/20/06, 10:17 PM  
Blogger Veronica Mitchell said...

Pregnancy is nature's birth control. It makes you think damn hard about doing it again.

My father said when my mom was pregnant, he went to a lecture titled something like: Fifty Ways Your Wife's Pregnancy Makes Her Feel Like She's Been Taken Over By An Alien. And almost forty years later, he still says with wonder in his voice, "Ya know, they were all really good reasons! Not a duplicate in the bunch."

8/20/06, 10:26 PM  
Anonymous chelle said...

Your honesty is so refreshing. I was not the cute pregnant gal either, but I am determined to enjoy this second pregnancy more than the first. I was on bed rest for a few weeks and thought I would go insane ... I cannot imagine the WHOLE pregnancy, so girl I feel for you!

8/20/06, 10:37 PM  
Blogger something blue said...

I feel for you. I don't know how bedrest with a toddler would work. But it would be a shame to not use that diaper bag for another round.

8/20/06, 10:52 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Who can fault you for being honest? Oh yeah - insensitive jerks, that's who.

Thanks for the thong recommendation. As for the rest of it, I can tell you that the impact of the second pregnancy on my body was nil compared to the first one.

8/20/06, 11:03 PM  
Blogger MamaChristy said...

"Please don't think I'm an insensitive jerk?"

Not for even a nano-second. Freaking forces you to come to terms with what frightens you. Fear is one of those things that is a necessary evil; fear is one of the things that reminds us we are alive. Freak about your body before pregnancy, because it is likely that there will be plenty - legitimate or not - to freak about while pregnant.

8/20/06, 11:06 PM  
Blogger Abra Leah said...

I hear you! After trying for years (and finally succeeding with ART) I was on bedrest with my daughter (I had pre-e) and she had to be delivered prematurely.
Then, I magically got pregnant again when she was only 9 months old and it was HARD. I admit - the first thing I did when I found out I was pregnant was CRY. And they weren't the happy tears I had with my daughter. :)
But, now I've got my two and I'm content.
Sometimes pregnancy just plain ol' sucks.

8/20/06, 11:20 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Marie said...

I have four kids and spent bedrest with number two. Number one and three were a breeze and number four was my one and only c-section. I gained 13 lbs and he weighed 11. No I am not kidding. I will keep you in my prayers but know that no matter how many kids you have, everything that you go through it worth it.

8/21/06, 12:04 AM  
Blogger pixie sticks said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/21/06, 12:40 AM  
Anonymous jess said...

I would freak too. I did actually, everytime i got pregnant. I think it's normal under the best of circumstances, nevermind the horror of bedrest.

Could they or did they do that stitch thing in your cervix? I'm asking TMI aren't I? I do that too much.

8/21/06, 12:47 AM  
Blogger pixie sticks said...

I love you. Seriously, I'd hang out with you at the playground any day. (Did I mention that I just ate a cupcake while reading this?...so worth it!)

8/21/06, 12:47 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

I can seriously sympathize. I did 12 weeks of bedrest - only allowed to get up for the bathroom. It's a bit scary to consider possibly doing that again isn't it? I became a Golden Girls/The Nanny junkie and it wasn't pretty.
My hats off to you for considering it again though.

8/21/06, 1:10 AM  
Blogger Dee Dee said...

I was on bedrest for 3 weeks with my first pregnancy. I was in the hospital all alone and my husband was deployed and unreachable. It totally sucked. Your second pregnancy might be completely different. You never know. I had none of the complications that I had with my first pregnancy when I was pregnant for the second time.

8/21/06, 7:53 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I was not on bedrest and had a very easy pregnancy. Just some morning sickness for the first few months. Am I eager to do it again? Not one itty bitty little bit.

8/21/06, 7:55 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

I'm another one who doesn't think you're selfish for one second. I had one of those awful pregnancies and the thought of another one makes me want to throw myself off the nearest tall building (yeah, freakout much?) and I'm still not sure if I want #2. Here's my take, you have to be as sure as you can that you want another one. I know everyone says if you wait you'll never have another baby, but sometimes that's not the most horrible thing that could happen.

Do what's right for you and your family. That $200 diaper bag can be resold on eBay just as easily as it can be put back into use the way it was intended.

8/21/06, 8:14 AM  
Blogger Summer said...

DO NOT feel like a jerk.....your feelings are valid and very real and most importantly, yours to feel and express. Being pregnant is hard. It takes so much out of you mentally and emotionally, not to mention physically.
Both of my pregnancies were very easy. I had placenta previa with my 2nd but it cleared by the 8th month and all was good. Even though they were both easy and without many complications, I did not enjoy being pregnant and I was one of those "cute" preggos. All gut.....but ugh. Hijacked by aliens is the best way to describe it. And the body issues?! Sheesh! Don't get me started....
I will say the second time around is easier, you know what to expect. Seeing the two play together makes it all worth while...

8/21/06, 8:28 AM  
Anonymous Beanie Baby said...

Have you ever read this blog?

http://sarahbilston.typepad.com/

It's called "Bed Rest Diary" and it's by an author of a novel about a woman stuck on bed rest for the last 3 months of her pregnancy. I'm pretty sure the blog is a retrospective--that is, I don't think she's on bed rest right now, but I could be mistaken. But she was.

Anyway. As someone who can't even stay in bed for a full day when I'm at home with a stomach flu, I sympathize. It doesn't sound like fun at all, and (whispering) I've seen quite a bit that says that the benefits for the baby are, ah, tenuous. So if you end up on bedrest I think you have every right to bang anyone who tells you "it's for the baby" over the head with a 2x4.

8/21/06, 8:28 AM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

I don't get the logic on the after preggo body redistribution thing either. I'm exactly the same weight as I was before but none of my pre-pregnancy stuff fits me. It's like I have a carton of bubble-wrap stuck in my colon or something.

8/21/06, 8:41 AM  
Anonymous Imperfect Mommy said...

As someone who is 38 weeks along with number two, I can totally relate. The post baby body, the concerns about me, etc. I think it might have been easier with number one b/c I had no clue how hard it would all be -- how hard to get your body back, how hard it would be to be a mother, how hard it would be to breastfeed, how absolutely hard labor and delivery would be. And... how hard the emotional and hormonal crash would be.

I am scared shitless for postpartum depression (even though I don't think I really had a bad case with my daughter) and now I am having daily mini panic attacks thinking about giving birth again.

I know it will all be worth it in the end -- and as evidenced by how absolutely wonderful my daughter was yesterday (brought me slippers, cleaned up toys, etc... basically the equivalent of parenting self-actualization but it only lasts for an evening), I know it will all work out. But it is definitely scary.

8/21/06, 8:45 AM  
Blogger R said...

Nope, not crazy. You either really enjoy being pregnant or you don't and I? HATED every minute following the arrival of 12 weeks. I added 60 lbs of pure flab to my body with each of my pregnancies, and at 16 months postpartum I'm still ten lbs away from my pre-preggo state of body.

Honestly, if a very talented swimmer happened to get past my tied, burned, clipped and snipped tubes, I would be devastated.

Yeah, I really do understand.

8/21/06, 8:47 AM  
Blogger macboudica said...

I was on bedrest for about 3 months with my middle child but not at all for the twins. And, yes, it totally sucks. And yes, I wated to smack the it's for the baby people, too. And I was totally a proggo-cow with all my pregnancies, gaining 70, 50, and 70 pounds respectively. I swelled up like a baloon withthe first and third. Even my knees were swollen with the twins! But I am fully recovered weight-wise from all of them (but, yeah, still have the strange distribution thing...Oh and the permanently stretched out skin--bleh!) and I have four terriffic children to show for it. Just don't ever expect me to wear a bikini.

8/21/06, 8:47 AM  
Blogger Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

I hope you're not an insensitive jerk for freaking out over the possibility of #2 ... because after a horrendous pregnancy (no bedrest but lots of other misery) we got KAATN fixed. There was just no way either one of us could go through that again, especially not with one already here. Misery is one thing when it's just you and the daddy-to-be, but throw the first kid into the mix and it gets that much harder. Can it be done? Obviously. Could it have been done by me? No way in hell. So, kudos to you for even contemplating it!

8/21/06, 8:59 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

I had much the same experience. 'Unexplained' bleeding throughout the pregnancy had me on restricted movement for days here, weeks there. No exercise, no sex, no long walks. I was never really confined to bed, but I felt CONFINED. And, yes, like a big fat incubator.

A big fat scared incubator. Any perceived strain or pinch or stretch struck panic in my heart - *ohmigod that stroll to the bakery yesterday killed the baby I killed the baby ohmigod!* - and I would glue myself to the bed and wait for the bleeding to start.

It was a headfuck.

I'm not crazy about the idea of doing it again.

So why do I want to do it again?

8/21/06, 9:03 AM  
Anonymous neva said...

i think your concerns are well founded. i also think a bit of preventive exercise might be the ticket for helping you endure a second pregnancy in more comfort.

i'm told Ashtanga Yoga is a fantastic way to lose weight/firm up in a fast and healthy fashion, and i happen to know of a studio in nyc where the classes are taught by a master. the breathing techniques will be invaluable to you throughout your next pregnancy, as well, should you decide to have another child.

you can do this... but i don't blame you one bit for not wanting to jump back into those maternity undies rightthisminute. you actually *do* have time, and i think you'll feel better/more confident if you allow yourself to take it. xoxo

8/21/06, 9:56 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Every pregnancy is different. If you have a second shot at it, it could be completely smooth and bed-rest free. But maybe not. The point is you just don't know, and that uncertainty is a bit scary.

Pregnancy is hard. It's normal to give pause to thinking of doing it again. Especially since you didn't exactly sail through last time. You're not insensitive. You're insightful and considering EVERY point of view, not just that of a mother who wants a baby. You're also a woman who wants her own body to cooperate, and wants to be able to do more for months than take a block long walk now and then. It's not selfish. It's realistic.

8/21/06, 10:32 AM  
Anonymous mummy V said...

oh how i FEEL this post!

i was one of those people everyone said would be so cute during pregnancy- with "just a bump" and the rest of me looking the same. Oh no. I gained 65 lbs and was like a giant untoned bowling ball.

i just was asking my SIL how I can be 10 lbs short of my pre baby weight body but look like... well, a great big fat ass. my hips... what on earth has happened to my hips? i swear the bones have shifted to a wider, uglier place. and my boobs... my poor, poor boobs ... alas, i've said too much.
must go weep and eat a box of skinny cow icecream bars :)

8/21/06, 11:37 AM  
Blogger Piece of Work said...

I had a miserable pregnancy with my first. Debilitating morning sickness, heart problems, dire pre-natal diagnoses with termination recommendations, and then capped off with 10 weeks of bedrest. Fun fun fun. I still got pregnant right away with my second--mostly because we'd had fertility issues with the first and I thought it would take a few years instead of 2 MONTHS. I was terrified to be pregnant again--but, for what it's worth, the second pregnancy was quite a bit easier. And of course I'm so thrilled now that it's done. There *is* something to be said for just getting through that hell part, instead of worrying about it. After all, you are going to have to be pregnant if you want a 2nd, and the sooner you start, the sooner you're done.
I think you'll get tons of support in these comments, because many many women feel the same way. I know some people love being pregnant, but many more hated it. You are not alone!

8/21/06, 11:56 AM  
Blogger ECR said...

As for the new weight distribution, the only thing I can think is that pregnancy sucks out every last bit of energy and muscle mass, to the point where all a woman has left is fat. And since fat weighs less than muscle, that's why one can return to her pre-baby weight while still being jiggly and dimply like never before. I may be pulling this theory out of my fat, post partum ass, but there you have it.

8/21/06, 11:57 AM  
Blogger Pattie said...

I don't think you sound like an insensetive jerk. You are just honest. I have to tell you, I didn't like being pregnant one bit. If there wasn't something wonderful at the end of it, who would want to endure that? :)

8/21/06, 11:59 AM  
Blogger Chantal said...

Know how some women are pregnant and people tell them they only look pregnant from the side? That from the back they don't look pregnant at all? I was not one of those. I look at the belly cast I had done with our fourth and I don't look back and think it was gorgeous - I wonder how I got out of bed with a belly that size! (Let's not even go near how big the boobs and arms got!)

At the very least, with #2 you can bitch and whine to us.

8/21/06, 12:03 PM  
Anonymous Jessica said...

Yeah I'm with ya. Half of my blog so far is filled with bitching about this pregnancy. I have a good way to keep your weight down...go ahead and get yourself that gestational diabetes. It's awesome you eat more but, your still hungry and you want to shoot the asshole that brought in cupcakes to work today. And, yes there are worse things and worse pregnancies but, they are happening to other people!! So, if you can't whine and feel sorry for yourself when pregnant I don't know when you can. Good luck!

8/21/06, 12:22 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I am so with you on the weight distribution thing. Did I really lose that much muscle tone or are my bones less dense? We've talked about baby 2. In theory, I think it'd be great, but I'm really worried about going through pregnancy again, and I didn't even have to suffer through strict bedrest like you did. Sigh.

Girl Con Quest - "Making people is hard." Excellent quote!

8/21/06, 1:19 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

I don't think you're insenstive. I'd feel the same way. Torn. Very torn.

8/21/06, 1:23 PM  
Blogger Whirlwind said...

I loved being pregnant so I cannot relate to you there.

And I think the thought of bedrest scares anyone. I mean, how do you manage that with a toddlar running around? I was told I would have a CSection with baby #3 (with a 33m old and 15m old) and it scared the living daylights out of me. Luckly it was all a lie.

But you are not bieng insensative. I don't think men understand just what our bodies go through with a pregnancy.

8/21/06, 1:36 PM  
Anonymous Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom said...

Absolutely agree with the others! Most of us feel this way about pregnancy, i.e., our looks, the aftermath, etc.

"A fat, depressed, bedridden incubator." Classic. Please, please, please tell me you are going to write a book soon!!!!

8/21/06, 1:39 PM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

1) I'm pretty sure the extra weight that this missing with my bigger body was my memory - or eyesight - or possibly my free time - maybe sense of self?

2) I did 5 1/2 weeks of hospital bedrest. As bad as my pregnancy was (I wasn't cute or glowing either) I'm almost glad I had two at once, because I don't know if I could face that again.

8/21/06, 1:57 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Not insensitive at all, in my opinion. I have a friend who has one child, and refuses to have another. She had a breezy-easy pregnancy, so why not? She's scared to go through labor again. Seriously. Her labor was bad enough to serve as birth control for the rest of her life.

Do remember that each pregnancy is different. You may not go through all of that the next time around. Each pregnancy is a crap shoot.

8/21/06, 1:58 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Don't feel bad about being honest here, not everyone has a picture perfect, glorious pregnancy (of all the mommies I know, not a one)! There are a lot of things for you to consider, and having been confined to bedrest for only 3 weeks of my 1st pregnancy, I can't imagine what you went through!

Carrie

8/21/06, 2:02 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I won't say anything except to tell you, you are not a jerk. ;)

8/21/06, 2:06 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I definitely don't think you sound insensitive. Honest, yes. It's tough sometimes to give up your body -- because really that's what pregnancy and post-pregnancy is all about -- even when you know the outcome will be the best possible one.

I've struggled a lot with getting my post-baby body back since Rosie was born. Still working on it. Sigh.

8/21/06, 2:06 PM  
Blogger virtualsprite said...

I agree... that was not insensitive. I had a difficult pregnancy with intermittent bedrest, too. It's a tough decision to make to have another one after that. But you'll figure it out.

And congrats on getting your figure back!

8/21/06, 2:24 PM  
Blogger IHF said...

Bed rest sucks. Pregnany is no fun. (I went for the pregnancy diet and weight loss program myself -- I puked every day for the first seven months). Baby number two is a LOT to think about -- thanks for being so honest about feeling conflicted. It makes me feel less alone.

8/21/06, 3:23 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

LMFAO! this is so funny, because i was thinking about all you bitches this morning and i specifically remembered just how glowingly beautiful you are in person. and i was like.. damn, that mom-101 is SO pretty!! love her!!!!!
BUT.. i am so with you on the weight thing. when i was at my pre preg weight (which i CANNOT stay at mind you, without completely starving myself) i found that the number was the same, but my freaking body wasn't. a nd i don't understand how i could weight the same when i sure as shit don't LOOK the same. it's weird!!!!!!

8/21/06, 3:31 PM  
Blogger Karyn said...

Can I just say that I think I love you a little bit?

Baby # 2 is a tough hurdle but once you're past the initial breaking-in-phase - and I assure you, you can get past it - it's ok. I was green from 6 weeks - 18 weeks, totally nauseous, throwing up with total body involvement, from 10am-bedtime. AND I had bedrest at the end and THAT nearly killed me so you have my total respect for enduring it for so long.

I'm so linking this blog to mine.

8/21/06, 3:33 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

I totally relate - I was not one of those cute preggo women, either... and the same thing happened to me when I went into one of those trendy maternity boutiques - nothing, and I mean nothing - fit. But then, gaining 75 pounds will do that! LOL

I was thrilled to get back to my pre-baby weight, so don't beat yourself up for feeling that way.

The bedrest thing is NO FUN.. BTDT, but thankfully for only two weeks. And I was ready to lose my mind at that point... so I sympathize heartily with women who have to do it longer than that!

8/21/06, 3:48 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

I was where you are about five months ago. Although we had planned to try pregnancy again, I cried when I read the positive. Because I HATED being pregnant. But there is relief knowing that this is likely the last time I'll go through it, and that after this, I can really focus on getting my body back for good.

Good luck, no matter what you decide.

8/21/06, 4:27 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Enjoy your non-pregnant body while you have it. It's nice to revel in your skinny jeans!

I can certainly understand about your apprehension with having another baby, especially since you had such a tough pregnancy and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for complaining. Well, at least you know what you’ll be getting yourself into. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

8/21/06, 4:53 PM  
Blogger Silly Hily said...

You have another baby whenever YOU are ready to. With that said, there is nothing wrong with being freaked. I decided once my first was 1 (and once I was finally getting my shape back) that I was ready to start trying for number 2. I got pregnant after having one period of the pill. Once I got pregnant, I freaked. B/c OMG, what have I done. How am I going to love #2 as much as I love #1. Everyone freaks at some point and that's perfectly normal.
My first pregnancy was great other than the fact that I was swollen from head to toe. My second pregnancy I was all baby but being all baby means one hell of a sore back. My point, each pregnancy is different as is each baby. Hopefully once you do decide to get pregnant, it won't be as bad as your first.
Oh, and I wish I could look at my stretch marks and see them as "war wounds" or whatever but I just can't. I so wish I could, but I can't. They are totally gross. I've wanted to blog about it but am scared of getting hate mail for not loving my body. So, thank you for saying that b/c now I know I'm not the only one.
Good luck with #2.

8/21/06, 5:04 PM  
Blogger KC said...

Having a baby is a miracle.

And so is losing the fifty-odd pounds I gained.

Me, I'm going to enjoy the return of my waistline and not scaring small animals for a little spell longer before #2!

8/21/06, 5:08 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

14 months post baby I just bought my first non-nursing bra, DEPRESSING! I feel ya sister. And the whole redistrobution of weight, I have the same issue, I technically weigh 5lbs less than pre-baby, but I am still is pants 2 sizes larger. How is that possible?

8/21/06, 6:40 PM  
Blogger soleclaw said...

I had the worst pregnancy ever!! Not really, but I didn't enjoy myself. I gained way too much weight, had the worst back/leg/foot pains ever, and was constantly hot and nauseated. If my husband approaches me with the "baby number 2 talk" within the next oh...5 years...I will castrate him.

8/21/06, 8:40 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I don't know how you manage to look at a topic from so many different angles and do it so coherently!! Whatever hard decision you and Nate derive, we'll be waiting in the wings to support ya.

8/21/06, 9:17 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh wow. I can SO relate. Yeah, you can starve and exercise your way back to your old weight but things just don't fit anymore.

I don't think you're shallow at all. When I was close to my due date (I gained 60 pounds total) while boarding a plane, I had a few women make fun of me while they were behind me. They were really loud. I guess they figured fat, pregnant women don't have feelings. I was mortified.

I had been tiny all of my life. And now that I couldn't exercise for 1hr 15 mins 5 days a week or exist solely upon Lean Cuisines, I gained alot of weight.

It took two years to take all but five pounds off. (And 10 of those pounds have come back.) But the thought of having a second baby shortly after that scared the poop out of me.

And yesh, your pregnancy sounds really rough. I can see why you'd be more than a bit scared.

8/21/06, 10:21 PM  
Blogger penelopeto said...

i getcha, and my pregnancy was comparatively a piece of cake (mmm, cake).

and the body thing? oh yeah. when i was pregnant, i swear my ass knew months before the rest of the body caught up.

and now i'm almost back to pre-baby weight, but i'm a lot jigglyer.

and #2? scaaaaary. but at least i figure the weight of that one will come off faster since i'll be chasing after two crazy little things.

ok, i'm done. good luck.

8/21/06, 10:37 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Um, the bedrest thing? Is it wrong for that to sound so good to me right now? Laptop. TV. Books. Rest. Drool.

I know, I am pathetic.

Take your time with your decision. You're not insensitive - you also have a little girl to think about now.

8/21/06, 10:39 PM  
Anonymous Mel said...

It's already been said here, but each pregnancy really is different - I was on bedrest the first, but none at all the second. And I've lost all the baby weight at this point on the "mommy's too busy servicing the little princes to actually get some food for herself" diet, so that's not so bad, either (took a couple of years, though, so don't hate me :) ).

8/21/06, 10:47 PM  
Anonymous standing still for once said...

After 2 weeks with Child in the NICU and 5 weeks in a special care nursery, and no one being able to guarantee that we would have 0% risk of preeclampsia again, we opted for one miracle. Having said that, several people I know who have had a grade F cervix the first time around have had a lovely little stich put in, and baby 2 (and even 3, arrg) have required monitoring and some mild limitations to activities, but no really long lasting and opressive bedrest. The question is ... do you want 2? Only answerable by you and your honey ...

8/21/06, 10:53 PM  
Blogger modmom said...

go for it!

8/21/06, 11:26 PM  
Anonymous Nila said...

Bed rest would suck, but if it's any consolation, the 2nd delivery is usually easier. It definetly was for me.

The body; it will never be the same again, unless of course you're Victoria Beckham or Heidi Klum.

Good luck with the decision making. It's not an easy one.

8/22/06, 1:03 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

I can't imagine having to go through ANY bed rest. That must have been so tough.

We are starting to talk about baby #2 around my house too and I coincidentally I'm planning a post very similar to this, except instead of bed rest insert horrible morning sickness and a traumatic labor.

People say that after you have your baby you forget all about the difficulties of pregnancy and labor, but that wasn't the case for me. Having #2 is a bit of a scary prospect. Don't get me wrong, my pregnancy wasn't that bad compared to some, but it's never a walk in the park for ANYONE and deciding to surrender 9 months of your life to nurturing a new being (to speak nothing of the next 19 years), well, that's a big decision!

I guess what I mean to say is that you're most certainly not an "insensitive jerk". We have a right to get freaked at the prospect of doing it again.

Best of luck in your decision!

8/22/06, 1:15 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Funny, I had my comment formed in my mind and then logged on to find 60-some people have already told you much the same thing. But, I'll continue anyway! ;-)

You are not an insensitive jerk, you are freaking hilarious! And I would be just a little freaked too if my first pregnancy had me on my ass for 7 months solid. Oh so not fun.

However, as a faithful Mom-101 reader I think you should TOTALY go for baby #2. I think it would make for GREAT blog material. ;-)

8/22/06, 2:35 AM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Seems I am a little late to this party. Like Rebecca above I had something terribly supportive and witty to say ... but its been said a zillion times.

You, my friend, are human. I like that :)

8/22/06, 6:42 AM  
Blogger kfk said...

The things we do for our children!

The only thing that would fit you: a $200 diaper bag! Love it!

8/22/06, 9:23 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

I don't think it's insensitive or selfish to not want to feel that way again, even if the end result is something wonderful. I imagine along with all the physical stuff a difficult pregnancy brings, the emotional stuff is just exhausting.

As someone who will have the dreaded Advanced Maternal Age stamped on her medical file, I can understand why you worry. The older we get, the harder this is even for women who have done it already.
I wish you the best in making the decision for number two. I don't think your reservations are out of place in the least.

8/22/06, 9:35 AM  
Blogger Susan said...

Ummm, yeah! I can't complain about my pregnancy or my baby, yet the thought of adults no longer outnumbering ankle-biters sends me into full blown-head-banging-against-the-wall freak-out mode. Haven't really come up with an explanation for my reaction (as I run screaming rather than sit down to try to figure it out!), it just is what it is.

Best wishes, whatever the finaly outcome is. You're an amazing mother... 1, 2 or how many times over it works out to be!

8/22/06, 10:07 AM  
Blogger NursePam said...

You sound so very normal. It's sad that pregnant women are now subjected to the same old crap in the beauty department. Pregnant teens with their bellies proudly showing under halter tops and hip riding jeans are the new standard. With belly button rings no less.

Yes, they're beautiful. But there is more than one sort of beauty in the world.

8/22/06, 10:47 AM  
Blogger Dana said...

-nodding and waving my hands-

See, this is what I'm talking about. I'm being held hostage by my own demise as we had an oops moment a week ago. Could I be pregnant? Do I want to be. Ugh. Just when my clothes start to fit again (a whole 23 months later), I'm worried about going through that again.

I had pre-eclampsia and 8 weeks of bedrest which I could not stand.

How do we do it? We really are super moms. I think we are!

8/22/06, 12:42 PM  
Anonymous wendy boucher said...

I'll be the one to tell you that having only one child has its upside too, should you fail to get over your freak.

8/22/06, 2:43 PM  
Anonymous Kristen said...

you are smart to remember. I forgot. And yesterday was the first day in 15 weeks that I didn't want to vomit in random trashcans or on random people.

It was better for me to not remember. But, on the flip side, I'm feeling better. Just LOVVVING pregnancy.

8/22/06, 3:02 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

ooooh! you know I am there with you--having all the same ambivalence about it. And I know you'll end up putting those shrivelled ovaries to good use again. And now you have US, so bedrest would be beneficial to US. Ha!

thongs? you filthy girl. could never get on with 'em myself. (eyes pathetically "functional" underwear draw, scratches boob)

8/22/06, 4:47 PM  
Blogger Food Mum said...

I don't blame you for not jumping around and cheering at the suggestion. Give yourself a bit longer to enjoy not being pregnant or breastfeeding and then, who knows, maybe it'll be better next time around - hope so, it's great having more than one, but not the be all and end all.

8/22/06, 5:37 PM  
Anonymous crazedparent said...

i didn't even consider #2 until i had my post baby #1 body for one complete year after i had lost all the weight (well, *almost* all the weight!). it took so long to feel back to my old self that i wanted to really enjoy it! but the whole "i'm the same weight but it's distributed differently" thing...drives me batty.

8/22/06, 6:14 PM  
Blogger Bobita said...

I'd have my freak all in a tizzy, too! I remember the "second baby" talk. Freaky, indeed.

I was excited for my second baby...but after having three babies in 5 years...I felt like a prisoner in my own body. And I hear you...it is nice to start to feel like your body is your own again. Tummy hangin' over the seatbelt...and all!

Well, I'm not so happy about having to roll my breasts up like burritos just to get them into my bra...but that is over-shadowed by the joy of motherhood, right?

:)

8/22/06, 7:21 PM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

Oh you are NOT a jerk!

Or, if you are, I am an even bigger jerk!

8/22/06, 8:05 PM  
Blogger Carrien said...

I felt the same about my second. Weight gain, repeating everything that sucked about the first. You're not a jerk, just normal. BUt I would get a second opinion next time RE: your OB and bed rest, because, well, seems extreme to me.

BTW. It did suck the seccond time too, but I survived, and I'm on my third. (NUTS! I know)

8/23/06, 12:43 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

You know I'm at 17 months with my son and I still freak at the next pregnancy talks/thoughts/late periods, whatever. You're not insensitive at all. I also had a rough, crappy pregnancy that I've been told will be repeated for the next one. And you know what freaks me out more than repeating that god-awful experience? The fact that I will have to take care of my son while I'm pregnant... and the fear that I will be a horrible caregiver - because it's really hard to be a good caregiver when you're lying around like a beached whale. (A big, incompetent, type-A-workaholic-trapped-inside a beached whale.) You know?

And you know there is nothing nothing nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive, pretty, or sexy. It's not shallow. It's human. I don't know why people have such as issue with that.

8/23/06, 1:59 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Thank you everyone.

Deepy. Truly.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

8/23/06, 9:33 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

I'm having the opposite problem--I'm ready (heck, more than ready) to start trying for a second child, but my husband's not there yet, and I'm scared that he might not want another at all. So I'm readying myself for one of those "we need to talk" moments.

Ugh.

8/23/06, 9:37 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Yea, if you figure out how that whole weight ditribution thing works, let me in....cause I can't for the life of me figure it out.

Yea, your not alone. I had a good pregnancy and it still freaks me out. I look in the mirror and say...this is what ONE baby did to me, what is ANOTHER ONE gonna do? And I'm only 5 lbs away from prepregoo weight!

8/23/06, 3:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, you are *so* not alone. I'm on my second right now, on bedrest, and surviving in part by reading you! Thanks, and good luck with your decision.

S

8/23/06, 4:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have really enjoyed your blog. So nice to see someone else who hasn't lost her sense of humor to motherhood. Honesty becomes you.

Just to play devil's advocate, every year north of 30 DOUBLES your chance of having twins! So the theory here is that if you get pregnant again, have an ultrasound before 30 weeks, otherwise it does come as one hell of a shock at that late date. *whistles an innocent tune*
Not that I would know that by experience *cough*...

Twins or not, pregnancies are very different and you cannot predict what will happen. I would like to second the opinion of another gal that you might want to look at a different OB though.

Looks like your spacing would be better than mine 18 months apart and then 13 mintues lol.

Good luck with your decision and remember, the more kids you procreate the less time you have to fornicate! ; )

8/23/06, 7:10 PM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

I still have a good ten lbs to go still from baby #2 but I do recall the weird weight distribution after TQ. I got back down to my pre-baby weight but certain things never, ever fit again. I don't understand it either.

8/24/06, 12:09 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I'm from South Dakota and I can tell you first hand that you *don't* want to be mistaken for a "Nebraskan"

8/24/06, 12:29 AM  
Blogger K. said...

You're so honest and I love it. I can admit to you that when I found out I was pregnant with this little surprise, one of my first thoughts was about how I had just gotten my pre-preg body back and now... THIS.

You are not alone. But you know this already. (see above)

8/24/06, 7:52 AM  
Blogger Momma Bean said...

Oh, I am so glad I found you. You're hilarious and know exactly how I feel! I am back to pre-pregnancy weight but look nothing like I did before. And to think, before, I was unhappy with my body...I'd kill to have it now!


Now if only my boss would leave my office so I could continue reading in peace...

8/24/06, 8:34 AM  
Blogger lildb said...

I'm frightened of another pregnancy, too, though not b/c of the bedrest; just the twenty weeks of nightmare-quality physical incapacitation. I vomited daily for TWENTY weeks. (when I wasn't vomiting, I was wishing I could.)

I don't know if I can go through that again, *and* handle a toddler simultaneously.

*shivers*

8/24/06, 6:05 PM  
Anonymous WhyMommy said...

Ack! You poor thing! Bedrest is NO FUN. I've been on it on and off for much of my second pregnancy already now, and I am amazed that you did it for the whole time without losing your mind. You must be a strong woman to do that!

Remember, though, every pregnancy is different, and there's no guarantee that you'd have to do that again. Particularly if you can get the stitch (ahem). A good friend had that done this time and says that her second pregnancy has just whiiiiiiiiiized on by and been a breeze compared to her first. Hurrah!

And Lildb, I had horrible nasty awful morning sickness my first time, for the first 5 months (then, after 2 days of bliss, I got heartburn for the remaining 4), and this time, I've had aversions, but no vomiting yet! Again, Hurrah!

8/25/06, 1:12 PM  

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