5.08.2007

Oh, the Missed Opportunity


Forty weeks.

Forty whole weeks--plus a few days, come to think of it--and not once did I take advantage of the remarkable opportunity Baby Plus Prenatal Education System offers pregnant women to "give their babies a head start."

A head start.

With prenatal education.

From the website:
BabyPlus is a series of 16 scientifically designed sounds that resemble a mother's heartbeat...

This "auditory exercise" strengthens learning ability during the developmental period when the advantages will be most significant for a child. BabyPlus is the first educational tool designed for prenatal use that has been proven effective. BabyPlus children have an intellectual, developmental, creative, and emotional advantage from the time they are born.
Oh man, bring on the mommyguilt. I did not give my daughter an intellectual, developmental, creative and emotional advantage by strapping a fanny pack on twice a day and playing whale sounds into my gut. Which means...she will be disadvantaged.

Goodbye top preschools.

Goodbye college scholarship.

Goodbye Nobel prize. I think I'll miss you most of all.

The testimonials on the website are my favorite part. Apparently, thanks to the BabyPlus, little Bailey Sky latched on right away! Ryleigh shares with her friends! Camdyn sleeps through the night! Calen never cried except when he was having gas!

(You can only hope that with their above-average intelligence, that these children will not grow up to work at Wal-Mart, as their names might indicate.)

I just want to see one testimonial--just one--that says:
My little Haydyn was as dumb as dirt. So for baby #2, I decided to try the BabyPlus. I'm happy to report that little Brit'ney Heather (pronounced Ether--the H is silent) has mastered chess at 20 months even while her five year-old brother is still struggling with Candyland. We owe it all to you, BabyPlus!
The crazy thing? They've sold 100,000 of these things since 1989.

I'm in the wrong business, readers. I needs to gets me some snake oil to sell.


53 Comments:

Blogger Motherhood Uncensored said...

Damn. I thought you were keeping your baby's name a surprise.

Nice "'" placement.

Do you have to say it with a French aboriginal accent?

5/8/07, 8:54 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

we uzd BabyPlus wen wunderbabby wuz in mah euteriss and we thnk mebbe she got sum smartz now cuzza that cuz her brainseses not genetickal we're pritty shoor. u shoulda uzd it mum1001 for ur bebby now wut will ur bebby do cuz we all no ur dum.

(ggggrrrrunt!)

5/8/07, 9:02 PM  
Blogger prescott said...

"Damn. I thought you were keeping your baby's name a surprise."

Kristen with the win.

Shouldn't you be at the hospital or something?

5/8/07, 9:33 PM  
Blogger Tracysan said...

Am I going to have to call Child Welfare on you? Because really, how could you deprive your baby of such essential development?! Jeesh!

5/8/07, 9:35 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

I'd like to hear from the Baby Plus control group.

Bueller?

Yeah, I thought so.

5/8/07, 10:00 PM  
Anonymous Kristen said...

I'm gonna blow right past the obvious--16 sounds that resemble a mother's heartbeat--when the baby has been LISTENING TO MOM'S HEARTBEAT since whenever those ears hatched on the side of her head, and move onto some things better pumped into the uterus--like if I catch the dog on the couch one more time he is going to be a floor rug, that babies who poop once a week are loved more than babies who poop 6 times a day and that nobody likes a whiny child. How about that for a start?

Now go think laborous thoughts.

5/8/07, 10:11 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

The post was funny...but the HBM's comment? It put me over the edge. Hilarious!

5/8/07, 10:36 PM  
Blogger Jozet said...

HBM, lol!

Yeah, well, you're behind the times because I had OvoBaby implanted onto each ovary playing Shakespearean sonnets and reciting Einstein's theories while my husband had SmartSperm! dangling near his testicles playing John Coltrane and White Stripes - or maybe that was his iPod - so really, by the time the kid is a zygote, it's too late to think about prepping them for the best preschools in utero. That window is closed.

I hear a salad with balsamic vinaigrette will jumpstart labor every time. Maybe you have to eat the salad while having sex.

Eeeeeaaassssssyyyyy labor vibes coming your way! ~~~~~****~~****~~**

5/8/07, 10:36 PM  
Blogger Cathy said...

OK, read the testimonials.

And:

My theories regarding babies who ever so miraculously sleep through the night?

A.) They are drugged.

B.) Their mothers lie.

C.) Their mothers are drugged and delusional.

5/8/07, 10:39 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Oh geez, this is too damn funny. Unless that thing is loud enough that the neighbors can hear it next door, it's unlikely the kid is even hearing anything.

And if you click on "The Science" on their page, you can see the Historical Basis and realize that you're also creating a dumb baby if you're not doing gestation ritual dance.

5/8/07, 11:01 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

Well, I don't think it's a TOTAL scam. I mean, music and sounds ARE influential methods of learning. But I wonder if those kids would have been calm and happy kids anyway? I mean, Corinne was and is the DREAM baby. Slept great, nursed great, very smart, brag brag blah blah brag brag. But would she have been any different had I played a beating sound over and over while pregnant? And would she have even been able to hear anything over my screaming at her brothers and jabbering on the phone?

Also, I find it amusing that one mother commented about wanting to do everything possible to try and combat a potential mental disability in her daughter, and then talked about how her daughter never had problems switching FORMULAS!! Now, I'm not saying booo on formula, (I used it with Justin at 5 months) but wouldn't that have been a great way to improve her daughter's chances as well?

Hmmmm.

5/8/07, 11:07 PM  
Blogger slouching mom said...

pronounced Ether--the H is silent

So damn funny, you are.

5/8/07, 11:20 PM  
Blogger Fidget said...

Hey hey hey, what is all of this hating on Babyplus? I tuned my kids into it every day while in the womb.

One is going to be the youngest occupant on sky lab any day now... of course that could be because I'm about 5 seconds from screaming so loud she's going to jump clear out of the atmosphere with fear.. but I'd like to believe that she learned healthy fear from babyplus - why else would I have dropped all the damn money?

ps WTF I think i just used every letter in the alphabet for your damn word verification tonight

5/9/07, 12:08 AM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

So which is it going to be-Ryleigh or Camdyn? Or perhaps Bayleigh or Baylee or Bailee or Baileigh? Perhaps an apostrophe could be used in a strategic location-Ry'Leigh, for example. This is fun!

Now please think of your womb opening like a flower...there you go...come on out, baby!

5/9/07, 12:59 AM  
Blogger carrie said...

Guess this means that I can blame myself for listening to AC/DC too loud in the car while preggo for all of my daughter's wildness.

Who knew?

Happy laboring (soon).

Carrie

5/9/07, 1:45 AM  
Blogger Mahlers On Safari said...

No wonder the rates of ADD are rising? Start 'em expecting extra sensory inputs early, I say.

5/9/07, 1:56 AM  
Anonymous L.A. Daddy said...

Oh, the guilt should be worse! Not only no Nobel prize, but there won't be the million dollar prize that comes with it!

I'm amazed I know that because my mother took naps with a record player on her belly while pregnant with me. However, she was playing The Beach Boys and I'm quite sure that threw a little Brian Wilson 'tarded into my brain.

5/9/07, 2:04 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I feel retroactively deprived for not having gotten this treatment when I was in the womb! I could have graduated from college . . oh wait, I did.

5/9/07, 2:15 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

You mean my kids could have listened to a digitally mastered recording of my heartbeat instead of just listening to plain old unpredictable me?

Damn, I missed my chance. THAT must be why they don't go to sleep at exactly 8pm every day and why they are just plain messy!

5/9/07, 3:54 AM  
Blogger modmom said...

it's not too late. start now :)
come over + enter some more mother's day giveaways! i just now posted a modern classic rocking chair, + there's a secret surpise new product from mahar drygoods

5/9/07, 4:16 AM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Such a funny post! Such funny comments! But, right about now, you should be putting a tape recorder by your vagina and start playing, "Come on out, little girl! I have a lollipop here for you!" I'm sure it'll work. My kids will do anything for a lollipop.

5/9/07, 7:24 AM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

What if I strap it on now and let PunditGirl listen from the outside? Maybe we can make up for that lost time! :O

5/9/07, 7:40 AM  
Anonymous madge said...

I've had three DHS visits just for letting my baby enjoy silence. Oh, the negligence!

I'm going to second the sensory overload comment. Rising ADD diagnoses? Herein lies your answer.

Er, I mean, ANSWYR.

5/9/07, 7:50 AM  
Blogger aka_Meritt said...

Rolling my eyes and laughing at the same time.

In some tiny ways I'm thankful NOT to be pregnant or have an infant right now. In the past 4-5 years the United States has gone insane and I'm glad not to be a part of it anymore. LOL.

5/9/07, 8:40 AM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

Okay, so this market is covered. Why not "invent" a stealth device that emits sound waves that eventually make other people's kids lose IQ points in a big way? That way your new baby who didn't get her head start can still be smarter.

5/9/07, 9:05 AM  
Blogger BOSSY said...

Bossy is throwing up in her mouth.

5/9/07, 9:09 AM  
Blogger Virtualsprite said...

You know, I heard about these things when I was pregnant with Goober. My favorite was a well-meaning friend who asked if I was playing classical music to my belly because it stimulates the fetus and helps with learning postpartum. She even pointed me to a website that sold special "belly speakers."

Um... yeah. I'm a concert violist. He got it live.

5/9/07, 9:27 AM  
Blogger MotherBumper said...

So that's why Bumper wouldn't latch on or sleep through the night (yet). Because I didn't pollute her womb with MORE noise? This parenting gig is a racket I tell ya', a total racket.

5/9/07, 9:39 AM  
Blogger The Silly Witch said...

No wonder Bardo isn't talking yet. I wish I would've known about this sooner!

5/9/07, 9:53 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

*smacks head* This is why they are recommending summer school for my 4 yr old. I guess she doesnt cut the mustard for Kindergarten. I guess since I didnt use it for number 2, either, I should start looking for a good hillside to leave the kids and start over.

5/9/07, 9:57 AM  
Anonymous dana said...

Is this for real? I wouldn't buy that. And for once, I don't feel guilty about it! yay!

5/9/07, 10:25 AM  
Blogger movin'mom said...

WAIT...has the statute of limitations run out yet or can I still sue my parents for neglecting to provide this early education system for me. This is why my grades were so low, I didn't have the baby plus prenatal education system.

Perhaps Bebita numero dos is awaiting to provide you with a fabulous Mothers Day Gift.

Good luck, I'll be thinking about you this weekend while I'm on my all girls weekend at the lake.

5/9/07, 10:37 AM  
Anonymous mrs. Q said...

Hylarious (the h is silent).

A nurse suggested that I put headphones near my vagoo so the still-sideways baby will turn head-down toward the music. Um, with the music I listen to, I will either frighten the kid or give birth to a mini Sid Viscous.

These products are nutso. I heard of a report about a mom that put headphones playing Mozart and Beethoven on her belly throughout her pregnancy—her baby was born with severe hearing loss. Brilliant.

5/9/07, 10:39 AM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

I knew there was a reason I suck at math. It's neglect I tell you. I might have been the next Sandra Day O'Connor if my mother had only given up cigs and booze and used the Baby Plus system. I'm the other side of the coin people. Don't let it happen to your baby.

5/9/07, 10:51 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Um, what's wrong with the REAL mother's heartbeat? Why does it have to be simulated in the first place?

And I love the name... Baby Plus what? As if your child were a retail commodity, like Kotex Plus.

5/9/07, 12:02 PM  
Anonymous Lisa Giebitz said...

I think a lot of parents just don't want to admit how much of their kids' personality, intelligence, whatever comes genes. And then they don't want to admit that it'll take real work WHEN THE KID'S OLD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY BENEFIT FROM IT to develop all those good traits they have.

Screw all those "This will make your baby smarter" products. I'll save the money for books for my kid, thanks.

5/9/07, 12:47 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

I think your unborn fetus just sensing that you're wearing a fanny pack would be an intelligence stunter. Love the silent H, by the way. But you're going to give people ideas. Bad ideas.

When are you going to have this kid?

5/9/07, 3:37 PM  
Blogger kevin said...

I worked at a toy store in high school and people would come in announcing that they needed to buy a gift for a kid of a certain age. The kicker was that they would always follow up with something like, "He's five but the kid acts like he's nine . . . Know what I mean? . . . The kid is just that smart."

Just once I wanted someone to come in and say they had to buy something for a nine-year-old kid who was dumb as a boc of rocks. Alas, it never happened.

We did have someone want to return a Teddy Ruxpin because it was possessed though. Good times. Good times.

5/9/07, 4:27 PM  
Blogger mcewen said...

that's just too funny! The inside of my stomach has always sounded like a badly plumbed washing machine, my kids never stood a chance.
Cheers

5/9/07, 4:28 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I have heard of people using this product! I guess I'll continue to throw my money away on things like chai and lattes rather than a simulation of my heartbeat.

5/9/07, 4:38 PM  
Blogger Senora Fuerte said...

How do they know those kids weren't going to turn out to be smart ANYWAY?! How do they allege to prove it? Don't tell me, I don't want to know.

I love your blog. I'm getting close to the "ready, set, procreate" date, and I just know I'm gonna need you!

Thanks.

5/9/07, 4:44 PM  
Blogger "Dootz" said...

These kind of products don't make our kids more smart. They make us "feel" smarter for purchasing them.

*****
http://surfcountry.blogspot.com/

5/9/07, 6:50 PM  
Anonymous surcie said...

I don't know why they just don't say, "For moms who want a perfect infant!" It scares me that so many of us are that desperate and gullible.

5/9/07, 8:39 PM  
Blogger Staci Schoff said...

You know the saying -- Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

If you put snake oil for sale, they will come!

5/10/07, 2:02 AM  
Blogger Daddy D said...

man, i feel like the worst parent ever for not getting this...shame on us!

- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- www.daddydetective.com

5/10/07, 8:09 AM  
Anonymous Kristina Brooke said...

LOL. Here is a joke for you. I think they used BabyPlus.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about their latest addition to the junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

"Kin yer breathe," one of the men asked.

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin yer swallar?"

Again, she shakes her head no.

He walks over to the woman lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction is dislodged from her throat.

The hillbilly walks back to his friend who replies, "I've never seen any body do that Hind Lick Maneuver before."

5/10/07, 9:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its been a few days since we've heard from you.... I think it must be 'the time'!

Wishing you the best. Keep us informed. Many thoughts are with you, and hoping all goes well.

5/10/07, 9:51 AM  
Blogger jchevais said...

What other marketing gimmick do you think people can lay on new parents for guilt kicks.

God.

5/10/07, 9:53 AM  
Blogger Kendra said...

This makes me laugh. I cannot believe they are making AND SELLING products that give fetuses a heads-up on other children. For godsakes, they are still unborn! Let's not start the competition until the rolling over, walking, and talking begins!

VBACAdventure.com

5/10/07, 1:34 PM  
Blogger me said...

i'm with anon, is it time? jeez, I feel like a stalker. Getting sucked into starngers lives. Either way if it is best of luck!

5/10/07, 2:18 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Have you had the baby have you had the baby have you had the baby? I'm so excited!

5/10/07, 2:37 PM  
Blogger Mrs. D said...

wow.. this is making ME nervous, hope all is going well. love and best wishes to you.

5/10/07, 2:38 PM  
Blogger Dana J. Tuszke said...

It's been two days! Are you trying to drive us crazy?? :D

5/10/07, 3:19 PM  

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