On (Psychic) Death and Dying: The 5 stages of grief vis a vis Barney

Denial - Oh my God, I am NOT even watching the third Barney in a row right now with my kids. This can't be happening.

Anger Which of you [expletive deleted] grandparents got my kids hooked on this show? Don't you even know that the main character sounds like some nightmare out of a Stephen King movie and that the children tuck their plaid shirts into their khakis and hike them up to their chests, pretty much guaranteeing they will be beat up every single day of their lives? Have you no taste? Have you no sense?

Bargaining I promise I will stop feeding my children cereal for dinner. Just let the TV be struck by lightning right now.

Depression What is the point in fighting it? My life is officially over. I'm going to start wearing scrunchies in my hair.

Acceptance Okay so Barney does have a point about sharing being good and imagination being important. My kids seem to be happy while he's on TV and they're not pummeling each other either. And you know? Under the right circumstances? I'd probably have sex with him.


Blogger Andy said...

That last line? Didn't see it coming AT ALL.

Thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed it.

8/18/08, 10:36 AM  
Anonymous Alexis said...

You are a hoot!

I would pay good money for Beatrix to want to watch Barney again instead of Hannah Montana and iCarly!

8/18/08, 10:40 AM  
Blogger erin said...

You hit the nail on the head...this pretty much sums up my Barney experiences that happen once a month, or so...except for maybe that very last part... :)

8/18/08, 10:40 AM  
Blogger Bridge said...

I don't understand Barney's staying power. He's been on since I started babysitting twenty years or so ago. Ridiculous.

8/18/08, 10:43 AM  
Anonymous WickedStepMom said...

That pretty much sums up Barney, Yo Gabba Gabba and The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. I feel like my brain is going to leak out of my head when I watch those shows!

8/18/08, 10:57 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh Wicked Step Mom, but I LOVE Yo Gabba Gabba! Seriously! Of course it could all be one big acid flashback.

8/18/08, 11:03 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

While Barney is still banned in our household, I think this post could apply to a bunch of other shows my son insists on watching.

8/18/08, 11:04 AM  
Blogger Fear and Parenting said...

My husband felt the same way about Maisy.

8/18/08, 11:21 AM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

I, personally, have a fondness for the big purple guy. He makes me think of Bug and how Bug would scream in terror when ever he came on the telly.

Twas annoying back then. Now it makes me smile.

So it wouldn't take much for me to crawl into bed and go for a ride on Barney's purple love stick.


8/18/08, 11:37 AM  
Blogger MamaLaina said...

Barney is on in my house right NOW! Urgh.
Have you seen In the Night Garden? What's up with that show? Big blue falic guy and a hairy brown girl looking for her bed...is it just me or does it all just seem a little wrong?
Oh GAWD, now Teletubbies just started...**bangs head against the wall**

8/18/08, 11:38 AM  
Blogger Grim Reality Girl said...

Thank you. I get it now. I didn't understand before.... the Barney thing has always frightened me. I hated his voice (like nails on the chalkboard hate). I banned him and Barbie from my home and never looked back... But you had me with the "they're not pummeling each other" remark. Enough said. I get it now. Thank you.

8/18/08, 11:51 AM  
Blogger Fannie Mae said...

My girls thought "Barney" was only on television in Nebraska, where my sister was living when they where small. Clever, no?

8/18/08, 12:00 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Fannie Mae:


8/18/08, 12:12 PM  
Blogger Karen Sugarpants said...

Stick to The Wiggles. At least they can find their peens.

"Stick to The Wiggles?"



8/18/08, 12:25 PM  
OpenID shannon said...

LOL. I was exactly the same way. Embrace the madness!

8/18/08, 12:27 PM  
Anonymous Jamie said...

Thanks for laugh -
although, I find myself questioning exactly how the planets would need to line up for you to be able to justify sex with a PURPLE DINOSUAR -

8/18/08, 12:41 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Can I just say that between you and RNM's referring to Barney's love stick, I'm now in need of some therapy. You are cruel ladies (that I love).

8/18/08, 12:52 PM  
Blogger Bobita~ said...

Laughed OUT LOUD at the ending.

8/18/08, 1:14 PM  
Anonymous Motherhood Uncensored said...

Hell. I have sex with a big purple rabbit. I guess it's a big purple dinosaur is the logical next step.

8/18/08, 1:39 PM  
Anonymous bessie.viola said...

Hee. My parents are trying to foist my youngest sister's collection of Barney videos on me... sounds like I should keep fighting the good fight. I don't ever want to get to a place where I'll accept sex with Barney.

Thanks for the laughs!

8/18/08, 2:26 PM  
Anonymous bessie.viola said...

Hee. My parents are trying to foist my youngest sister's collection of Barney videos on me... sounds like I should keep fighting the good fight. I don't ever want to get to a place where I'll accept sex with Barney.

Thanks for the laughs!

8/18/08, 2:26 PM  
Anonymous Ree said...

I miss the Barney days. Of course, my Barney watcher is now 16 - starting his senior year in high school, and smells like sweatsocks.

8/18/08, 2:28 PM  
Anonymous Jane said...

What circumstances? Just curious...

8/18/08, 2:37 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

He he he! Too funny!

8/18/08, 2:47 PM  
Anonymous houndrat said...

There's something about the Barney song that makes me want to shove an ixe pick straight through his purple brain.

Luckily, my son eschews both Barney and the Wiggles (Thank You, Jesus!) for the also lame but infinitely less annoying Clifford and Dragon Tales.

8/18/08, 2:48 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

Step away from the tv and put the remote down. Do not stare directly into his eyes. He's like Medusa or something worse...you might turn into a pillar of salt or something.

8/18/08, 2:48 PM  
Blogger Gray Matter said...

Ah yes, Barney. And those kids, what actors. Isn't that where Brad Pitt really got his start?

We had a strictly no Teletubbies/Wiggles house, sometimes the parents just have to lay down the law.

Barney is a treat at Grandma & Grandpa's house, like brown soda and pixie stix.

8/18/08, 2:55 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

"I love you...you love me..."

Just pretend he's staring straight into your eyes and singing RIGHT. TO. YOU.

8/18/08, 3:47 PM  
Anonymous anna said...

We were in Toys 'R' Us yesterday and I was about to show my son (16 mos) a Barney toy, when my husband caught my hand and said, "NO! Do not even SHOW him that."

He wants to avoid it as long as we possibly can.

8/18/08, 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

Before I had kids I was chased, literally, by Barney at a grocery store's grand opening. Jealous?

8/18/08, 4:11 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

My kids never really got into Barney (THANK GOD!) but I do have to deal with Dora and Spongebob daily. And there was that 18 hour road trip back home to South Carolina where the only thing my then 2 year old wanted to watch nothing but Dora THE. WHOLE. TIME. By the end of the trip I wanted to punch that bug eyed cartoon character right in the nose, toss the DVD player and call it a day.

8/18/08, 5:11 PM  
Blogger Maggie Gumbinner said...

Welcome to the darkside!

8/18/08, 5:36 PM  
Blogger Maggie Gumbinner said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8/18/08, 5:36 PM  
Blogger enthalpymama said...

Loved the piece! I do have to say I've been there, but I think I jumped ship at the "hope that lightening strikes the TV." We just don't watch it anymore. No, really, we don't. Reality is much more amusing. Of course, as parents, we all need an arsenal of strategies to avoid throwing the darlings out the window on occasion. Barney works, if thats your poison. I've chosen other methods!!! (followed by an evil laugh)

8/18/08, 5:43 PM  
Blogger Kristen Andrews said...

oh please don't let it drive you to scruchies, that would be the death of you, jk. I hear you w/ Barney but soon they will move onto something more annoying! You really made me laugh!

8/18/08, 5:49 PM  
Blogger Mr Lady said...

You'd sleep him Barney?


So, you're saying I have a chance? :)

8/18/08, 5:54 PM  
Anonymous Tracy said...

As with many of parenthood's endless conundrums, the answer is this: TiVo. Thanks to the benevolent TiVo God, our nearly-three-year-old has never asked for a Bratz doll, wouldn't know a piece of candy from a piece of kryptonite, and Barney? "He's just some fat bastard who NEVER WANTS YOU TO WATCH CURIOUS GEORGE AGAIN..."

8/18/08, 6:31 PM  
Blogger Laurie Rodak said...

You know who I would sleep with? Arthur's dad. I like a man who knows his way around the kitchen. Not that I have given it thought but if there was one PBS character.. well nevermind.

We are stuck in Elmo's world over here. His shrill voice has an hypnotic effect on my son. I'm still in the denial phrase and rent the dvds from the library instead of buying them, the stuffed animals, the sheets, ect ect. "Look Matt Animal Crackers! Don't you want those instead of an Elmo cell phone?"

In my next life I'm probably coming back as Mr. Noodle's brother Mr. Noodle, as my punishment for not doing my part in funding educational projects around the world by buying snacks instead of Sesame merchandise. Eh there could be worse things.

Thanks for the great post, I hope Barney Live doesn't come to your area anytime soon. I hear it's three hours..

8/18/08, 7:48 PM  
Blogger Petra said...


8/18/08, 9:47 PM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

Until I discovered Johnny from Johnny & The Sprites was gay I wanted to do him. Still do really, but he's gay and all.

8/18/08, 10:30 PM  
Blogger Anissa Mayhew said...

Loved that, still hate Barney.

I just read one of your essays in Sleep is for the Weak, and you were just beautiful...truly talented.

8/18/08, 10:51 PM  
Blogger J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I would rather watch Barney than The Suite Life. Consider yourself warned.

I actually didn't mind Barney so much when my daughter was that age. No smart ass kids. Different sizes and shapes and colors of kids. Not all bad. But I don't think I'd have sex with him.

8/19/08, 12:49 AM  
Blogger The Frog said...

Elmo makes me want to tear my hair out so much and so often that I may not need scrunchies soon. The only thing that helps me get through an Elmo episode, is thinking of you and your brilliant use of Elmo time. My son, and husband, love Elmo.

8/19/08, 9:13 AM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

Barney Is the devil's spawn, you know.

8/19/08, 9:40 AM  
Blogger Cuz_I'm_The_Mom said...

My Barney fan is now 17 and some of the crap he watches now is even more inane. Napoleon Dynamite anyone?

Whatever happened to that Lucy girl? My kids watched that chick grow up on the show. I remember thinking at one point that requiring a tampon might make one a bit old to be a FOB (Friend of Barney) but the new video would come out and there she'd be!

8/19/08, 9:19 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Cuz I'm the Mom:

Tell your son Pedro offers his protection.

From one crap-watcher from another. He'll know what it means.

8/19/08, 9:25 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Now that my daughter has caught a wiff of Hannah Montana (at grandma's, THANKS!), she BEGS to watch it every day only to have her bitch of a mom (that'd be me) tell her no. So, right now, I'd take Barney issues over this pre-pubescent girl crap. But, uh, I'd never, ever sleep with Barney. It's obvious he's hung like an ant.

8/19/08, 11:14 PM  
Anonymous Shamelessly Sassy said...

I miss Barney. Only because my daughter has moved on to liking Hannah Montana. Barney>Hannah Montana.

8/22/08, 7:16 PM  
Blogger Cuz_I'm_The_Mom said...

Heyyyy...I know who Pedro is, for cryin' out loud.

And I'm with the Barney trumps Hannah Montana folks. Gag me with a hair extension.

8/30/08, 11:09 PM  

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