Alice in Grownupland

I once appeared on a national television show talking about Elmo Sex. You know, when you plop your 18 month-old in front of Elmo so you can run in the bedroom for a little uh...adult time.

It's the perfect scenario: You know you have a fixed amount of time, you know your kid is totally entertained, and you've even got that little 30 second warning in the end when the Elmo's World song kicks in.

My kids have long since outgrown Elmo and so this weekend, we tried something new - Alice Sex. We figured a Disney classic is always good for an hour or so of good, quality child rearing.

That is, until your three year-old knocks on the door frantically to inform you that Daddy, Alice got BIG and she is GROWING and she is stuck in the HOLE and she is TOO BIG FOR THE HOLE!

So you stifle your giggles as you toss a towel around your waist and you "yes honey" her while you rush her back to the couch, begging her to watch for just three more minutes to see what happens. Because you know, it will be something really really good! So just you wait and see...for three minutes? Okay? Three minutes? Good girl.

Not 30 seconds later she runs back in (damn those sliding French doors) as we dive under the covers, and she stands there breathlessly with very important news.

Alice is now smaller!

There is an easy joke about the Eat Me sequence here, but I'm not going there.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alice wasn't the only thing that got smaller.

(Yeah, I had to make a joke.)

9/19/10, 10:46 AM  
Blogger Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

I call it Diego Sex. I told my husband once that I cannot wait until we finally can have sex without cartoon music serving as the soundtrack for our love.

9/19/10, 11:49 AM  
Blogger Avitable said...

If I had kids, I'd just come up with "Duct Tape and a Chair" sex.

9/19/10, 12:42 PM  
Blogger Goddess in Progress said...

Glad to hear we're not the only ones to plop the kids in front of the TV for a little adult time! :-)

Seriously, though. Nighttime, I'm too tired. Mornings are too crazy. TV in the middle of the afternoon? A treat for all.

9/19/10, 1:09 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

I know the city is a lot of fun, but apartment living has nothing on the good old big suburban house with the kids bedrooms on one side of the house and ours on the other. With a lock on the door.

So, we may have crap for bagels, little culture and a lawn to mow, but I'm feeling pretty good about suburbia right now. ; )

9/19/10, 3:22 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

We have to wait until the kids are asleep. Nothing, not even Elmo, is more fascinating than what Mommy and Daddy are doing in their room, without them. If we try to do it while they are awake, all we get is "Mama, what are you doing?! I want to help!" with little hands trying to slip through the crack under the door.

9/19/10, 5:06 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

That could be tough on your chest hair Avitable.

Oh wait, you mean the duct tape on the kids?

Carry on.

9/19/10, 6:08 PM  
Anonymous the mama bird diaries said...

I like that Angela's kids want to help. Priceless.

9/19/10, 6:22 PM  
Blogger Avitable said...

I prefer to be tied to my chair with silk scarves.

9/19/10, 6:23 PM  
Blogger Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Also, I meant to add that certainly it is no accident that Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba is essentially a textured condom. A not-so-subtle hint to parents everywhere "Hey, This is your chance!" Also, it is probably no accident the show was created by two DADS.

9/19/10, 6:56 PM  
Blogger LazyMom said...

Ah Yes...Winnie the Pooh saved our marriage.

9/19/10, 7:01 PM  
Anonymous DadaRocks said...

ROFL!!! Awesome story. You should start to prepay for therapy like I figure I got 2 years left. ;)

9/19/10, 7:04 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

At some point, it's easier to have them sniff glue. Hysterical post.

9/19/10, 7:25 PM  
Blogger Mama Cas said...

I'm suddenly thankful for.....the lock on my bedroom door AND for the fact that, when the tv is turned on, my children immediately put all of their brain cells on "pause". Most of the time.

9/19/10, 8:12 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

I almost feel like I'm not old enough to know this stuff.

9/19/10, 9:36 PM  
Blogger momnivore said...

This is precisely why I have a lock on the OUTSIDE of my kids' bedroom door.

I don't need them walking in on the primal scene.

9/19/10, 11:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have resorted to having a date night "in"...good thing the walls in our apartment are thick-I'd hate to know I traumatized the sitter.

Also-we can lock E into her room (we do it to prevent nighttime roaming) and have Sesame street (now downloadable on iTunes) blaring away on the iPod. 60 minutes.

9/20/10, 1:07 AM  
Anonymous Motherhood Uncensored said...

Wait, you guys are still having sex?

Oh that's right, you're not gighugically pregnant with your 4th kid.

9/20/10, 7:20 AM  
Anonymous Doll Clothes Gal Pal said...

What happened to just locking the door and turning on some loud music? ;p

9/20/10, 7:38 AM  
Anonymous From Belgium said...

Girls scouts gets them out of the house a whole sunday afternoon...

9/20/10, 9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When the kids were little, Blues Clues was our go-to distraction for them. It also had the built-in warning, as in, "they found the third clue! time to finish up!"

9/20/10, 10:49 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

LOL - there are plenty of jokes in there.

9/20/10, 10:50 AM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

Try Phineas and Ferb. Disney. Half hour. Just trust me on this one.

9/20/10, 12:24 PM  
Blogger Kim Moldofsky said...

Ha! It takes becoming an adult to truly appreciate the joy of Saturday morning cartoons.

9/20/10, 1:17 PM  
Blogger Mama Cas said...

OMG...anonymous! I completely forgot about Blue's Clues!! You're right, though....when you hear "We've found the 3rd clue", you still have enough time to finish and do a quick cleanup.

9/20/10, 1:30 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Man, I don't miss the days of Elmo or Alice sex. The kids were always interrupting at the WORST times.

Now that they are older, we straight out scar them for life by telling them their parents are about to have sex so don't bother us. It's way more effective at actually getting the job done.

9/20/10, 2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have not yet braved the TV / movie sex, for just this reason. A person can only take so many interruptions.

9/20/10, 3:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha!

You'll think I'm wacko but we've NEVER done that because I was too worried about the kids banging on the door. But, recently we tried it. I'm glad we did. See my post about it.

9/20/10, 3:47 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Didn't the kids want to know why Daddy was dressed up as Batman?

9/20/10, 4:38 PM  
Anonymous chimom said...

In honor of Elmo sex I had to post this link to Katy Perry on Sesame Street. Cute, although I am surprised by her bustier. I have little boys in my house!


9/20/10, 5:43 PM  
Anonymous Tonya said...

Wow! Thanks for all the great ideas! Just this weekend our 6 year old wandered in. We HAD a lock on our door, only to have it ripped off one day when I was getting dressed. We also have a 13 year old - I think that's harder than distracting the little ones!

9/20/10, 6:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you should make your kids wear jingle bells around their necks so you know when they're coming?

Dude: get a child lock for those sliding doors! One of those white stick-on ones should do....

9/26/10, 8:42 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I would not try this. My son is attached to my husband when he is home. WILL NOT LEAVE him alone. Totally would not work. Maybe we'll try that when he's older than 2. ;)

Would you believe there IS NO LOCK on our bedroom door? I mean, really.

10/6/10, 7:20 PM  

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