9.03.2008

Carry On My Wayward Googlers: Political Distraction Edition

It's been far too long since I've checked into the old sitemeter to see exactly what Google searches have curiously led the brain surgeons of the world to Mom-101.

Once again, you don't need a license to breed
how to tell what trimester you are in
It's been a while but I believe you count from the first day of your last menstrual period

i looked different until i stopped breastfeeding

Yeah, that baby attached to the boob generally sets you apart.

how to raise a boy with no brothers
Stop at one.

weaning dr sears
No need to wean - just put down the book and go cold turkey.

things swallowed by toddlers
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, "Sorry, the ice cream store is out of ice cream."

my son penis is big
Oh why oh why oh why would you ever name a child Penis? And maybe you should stop feeding Penis so much junk food.


Kinda freaking me out
smelling friends moms feet
Better than her butt?

which is better flowbee or robocut
Something tells me you have bigger issues

placenta pot pie
Um...ew.

vagina hurts when it cough
if your vagina is coughing, please get off the computer and seek medical attention


Challenging the premise that there are no stupid questions
whats the technical term for vagina?
Um...vagina? Too obvious?

men like small boobs?
I know, I was surprised too.

booger eater smart intelligence?
If so, you are clearly not a booger eater

whats the kind of things that come out of dog vaginas?
If I'm not mistaken, they're called puppies.

phallic kids drawing teacher?
I always feel bad for those phallic kids

where do you put a tampon in?
Generally the bathroom

how did the north carolina get its names?
Carolina was to honor Charles IX of France. Not sure where the North part comes from.

anyone tried innuendo for sex?
It's not as good but the clean up can be way easier.

sibling vulva differences?
Well, one is a person and the other is a part of a person.

why aren't eyebrows identical?
The majority of eyebrows are in fact fraternal


Why spelling counts
beautiful buts
"...but I will do the dishes for you after rubbing your feet, my pregnant wife."

silicone verses latex nipples
Pure poetry

tonight im going to part like its 1999
See also: Midwestern Hair

the bleeding hearts media
See also: Gardening blogs

beau chevaux hair salon
For your horse? Or yourself?

i need somthing funny to write one a bosses birthday card
"Dear boss, I deserve a raise. Happy birthday"


Sorry, can't resist
Mens room icon
Larry Craig


Huh?
quaker oatmeal tragedy
"And then the small, slippery grain spilled out of the box and across the floor killing two puppies"

gloria steinem hates feminism
Just like Marx hated Marxism. He was tricky that way.

bladder song
Track #7 on the Red, Hot + Essential Organs compilation CD.

bras dent balls
That is a serious, serious bra

pesky unavailable callers from boa
One of the great problems of our day

boobs parasite creatures pregnant
I can only nod my head and agree.

retarded tuna
I believe the proper term is mentally challenged tuna.


Why must you taunt me?
worlds longest ingrown hair
Argh! You search for this every damn day you freak. If you haven't found it yet, maybe it's just not on my blog.


32 Comments:

Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

This post and "You've Got Mail" - my new non-pharmaceutical happy pills.

9/3/08, 12:53 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I needed a good howl before bedtime.

This was priceless.

9/3/08, 1:06 AM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

But "weaning dr sears" was screaming for:

1) Ew. 2) If he's still breastfeeding he's probably too old to learn a new trick. 3) That's why he's such a wuss about crying.

9/3/08, 3:37 AM  
Blogger Amelia Sprout said...

This has to be one of the best starts to my morning ever. Going to read every time I get irked today.

9/3/08, 6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is 'pee your pants' funny. OMG. Thank you for this!

It so makes up for the political rant you were on.

9/3/08, 7:02 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Love these so much.

9/3/08, 8:07 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

Must remember to not read this while eating breakfast. I nearly choked on my shredded wheat, and Aaron thought I was having a seizure from trying not to laugh out loud.

Don't you love it when Google nearly writes the post for you? What would we do without our dear, confused and disturbed Googlers?

9/3/08, 8:36 AM  
Blogger Wicked Step Mom said...

The quaker oatmeal tragedy did me in! I still can't stop laughing. I usually get things like "wicked step mom for too". Learn to spell people!

9/3/08, 8:37 AM  
Blogger Russ, Anna and Pepper said...

Still consider myself a new reader of your blog but after this one, you cannot get rid of me!!!! Thanks for what the kids call, LMAO

9/3/08, 8:39 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

That is exactly what I needed today. I was literally laughing out loud.

9/3/08, 9:16 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

this must be the funniest thing I've ever read.

are these search terms that lead people to your page, or things they searched for in your page. that makes a difference...

9/3/08, 9:51 AM  
Blogger becky w. said...

You. Absolutely. Slay. Me.

9/3/08, 10:14 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

OMG. I'm laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. I needed the belly laughs this morning. That was great!!

9/3/08, 10:31 AM  
Anonymous Motherhood Uncensored said...

Yeah Mom-101, why can't you just write about your Google hits and not get all smart on us with your political jibber jabber.

We want more retarded tuna, damnit!

9/3/08, 10:40 AM  
Blogger Ashley said...

so funny, so how do you know what people google that gets them to your blog? Do you have a stat counter or something? Is it something your would recomend? I Love your blog, polotics and all!

9/3/08, 10:53 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Classic! I love seeing these posts.

9/3/08, 11:44 AM  
Blogger Reluctant Housewife said...

So fun.

9/3/08, 11:58 AM  
Blogger the new girl said...

Wow.

How do all of these GET TO YOU??

That is AMAZING.

9/3/08, 11:59 AM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

Where do you put a tampon in....dam I feel bad for that person.

These are funny. All mine are from sick pervs searching for pregnant nekkid chicks.

9/3/08, 12:26 PM  
OpenID littlebiskit said...

Why? WHY must you write things like this! You just KNOW I'm going to be reading this at work and DYING at my cube. It's a good thing they moved me from the cube farm into the file room. I'd have been getting a lot of funny looks.

It's so embarrassing to laugh until you fart. That's what you do to me Liz. Are you proud of yourself???

9/3/08, 2:33 PM  
Blogger Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Thanks for the laugh!

9/3/08, 2:38 PM  
Blogger TheMama said...

Ha!

Google searches are my favorite thing about site trackers.

These all so totally beat the droves of people sent to me searching for SPF 150!

9/3/08, 3:00 PM  
Blogger Nadine said...

Hahaha! Priceless. I just hopped over here from Ali's blog. She linked to your compettimoms post. I love your posts, they're too funny!

9/3/08, 3:08 PM  
Anonymous nonsoccermom said...

Hee! Awesome. And I really, really, want to know what the "retarded tuna" googler was actually looking for.

9/3/08, 3:36 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

You are all awesome. Thank you.

As for the rest of you - I closed comments on a previous post for a reason. Anything off-topic here is going buh-bye into the ether. Feel free to email me for a thoughtful political debate if you can't let it go.

Or if you just want me to riff on your own weird googlers.

9/3/08, 5:02 PM  
Blogger Gray Matter said...

Ouch! That wit gets any sharper and you'll hurt someone. Those were brilliant. The best "snappy answers to stupid searches" I've ever read.

9/3/08, 5:38 PM  
Blogger lisa {milkshake} said...

What an awesome post. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face - trying not to laugh too loud and wake my daughter.

Um, bras dent balls? Huh?!

9/3/08, 9:48 PM  
Blogger Overflowing Brain said...

Your site somehow seems to attract a really large number of stupid people (or a really stupid number of large people?). Wait, what does that say about me being here?

hmmmm....

9/4/08, 12:31 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

And what I want to know... is how some of these led to your blog. What are your tags?
Priceless!

9/4/08, 1:54 AM  
Blogger Susan Getgood said...

Too funny.

Most interesting search I got last month, on the personal blog, was for "vermont poisonous frogs" although someone from MSN was looking for "free adult movies"

Presumably without frogs.

9/4/08, 2:51 PM  
Blogger MindfulMama said...

Ay ye ye. I gotta get more hits simply so I can have such with sitemeter. Maybe I should just use the word Penis more liberally.

9/4/08, 4:01 PM  
Blogger Mom on the Rise said...

I loved this. It made me check the keywords that lead people to my blog. The funniest ones were "born-again virgin" and "pimping nipples". Well, they were funny to me. LOL.

9/8/08, 11:11 PM  

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