Mom 101's Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

(With apologies to Al Jaffee who did it first and did it best.)

So, did you bring the rain with you to LA? Ha ha ha ha ha...

-Rain? Why yes I did. I had some extra room in my suitcase and thought, hm, rain or my fun fur...

-Rain? Of course I brought the rain. My favorite pastime is watching LA drivers "test their brakes" every ten feet or so; particularly the ones I'm driving directly behind.

-Rain? Yeah, sorry about that. But sunshine will kill me. I'm sure you understand.

-Rain? Damn, you found me out. It's all part of Jonathan and my grand scheme to make frizz the next big thing.

-Rain? Well to be honest I found your LA rain a bit...well, trampy. So I had some more sophisticated rain brought in from New York. You don't mind, do you?

-Rain? Crap, I ordered locusts. I knew that website seemed sketchy.

-Rain? You mean...that's not God crying because of something I did? I'm going to kill my brother.

-No habla Inglese.


Anonymous Melissa said...

Holy shit, that was funny. I knew that all this fucking rain had to come from somewhere. Thanks for explaining it.

4/5/06, 12:42 AM  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

God is just trying to see which is more unstable: the average Californian or the average Californian hillside. I post this comment as a fledgling Californian with half an eye on the hill out of the window and a medicine cabinet with enough jujubes to fell an elephant. I'm hopint the term "displaced Scotess" doesn't turn out to be literal.

I love California, but I just can't shake the nagging feeling it wants to shake we pesky people off of it. Earthquakes, wild-fires, floods, poisonous things that want to bite you, Ahnold: a message is being sent.

We drove back to Ojai from LAX today, and listened to the BBC World Service. It was as if ten years hadn't happened, and I was going on my summer hols back in Britain somewhere.

4/5/06, 2:29 AM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Stupid, stupid question. Funny answer. Trampy rain. You crack me up.

4/5/06, 5:14 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

You probably could have gotten away with "Yes I brought the rain. I am God." And they would have started a religion around you... After they brought you a soy latte!

4/5/06, 7:39 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Very clever! Do you have any clever responses to the dreaded "How are you?" question that no one really wants an answer to?

4/5/06, 7:51 AM  
Anonymous Kristen said...

Rain - I'm sick of your damn kaballah water and I was getting thirsty.

Rain - I figured half of you would melt making a slightly more pleasant drive home.

4/5/06, 7:54 AM  
Blogger Marcie said...

I'm glad to hear L.A. hasn't sapped your sassiness. But what does the picture of George Bush have to do with it?

4/5/06, 8:48 AM  
Blogger Daddy D said...

Seriously though, what is up with people not knowing how to drive in the rain...i moved to North Carolina and I swear it's like these people have never seen rain EVERY TIME it rains!

- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- www.daddydetective.com

4/5/06, 8:51 AM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Didn't you get the memo, my friend? Acerbic wit and intelligent witticisms are lost on 95% of all Angelenos! Beware of the dreaded follow-up questions!

4/5/06, 8:52 AM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Gollee. How are you so funny even traveling on business?

I had forgotten about Mad Magazine. I used to buy it all the time, mostly for that picture you folded over in back to make another picture. Good times.

4/5/06, 9:03 AM  
Anonymous chelle said...

lol so true about them testing their brakes every ten feet!!! So insecure at driving in "odd" conditions like rain!

4/5/06, 9:30 AM  
Blogger zeldafitz said...

"...I had some more sophisticated rain brought in from New York. You don't mind, do you?"

Sing it sistah! Tell them it's not "rain" it's a "season."


4/5/06, 9:51 AM  
Anonymous Chase said...

Hey. Wait. A. Minute.

MY brother it was god crying because I was so ugly! Gah.

4/5/06, 10:23 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

zelda: a season, YES! Yesterday someone at work actually said, "you always seem to bring the rain when you're here for [project we're working on.]"

I said, "yes, because we always do it IN APRIL."

But what I should have said is Kristen's line about the Kaballah water. Too funny!

4/5/06, 11:05 AM  
Blogger Wendy Boucher said...

Thanks for the chuckle. Now shoot some of the wet stuff to Florida, pretty please?

4/5/06, 12:17 PM  
Anonymous madge said...

I second metrodad. Your wit would be lost on them. You'd likely have to answer the many dummies who asked, "You can order locusts?" or "Really? You think our rain is trampy?"

4/5/06, 1:27 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Oh my god. That was hysterical. But I agree, they probably wouldn't get it!

4/5/06, 1:43 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

Oy. When do you get to go home, back where people don't usually ask such stupid questions, and if they do, you are fully licensed to bitchslap them?

4/5/06, 1:55 PM  
Anonymous neva said...

you call this rain? you californians are such pussies...

okay, guess i'm not as funny as you... but would ya want me to be? cuz then i'd never need to come over here for my haha's! seriously, this was a great post, i'm still giggling as i write! : D

4/5/06, 2:10 PM  
Blogger something blue said...

To the damn tourist that brought us the snow today, I'd like to hunt your bad ass down and fire you back to the North Pole. Rain I could deal with.

So how is it that your coworkers seem to lack your talent? They must totally rely on you.

4/5/06, 2:18 PM  
Blogger Pattie said...

Great list! Can you come down to Southern New England and bring some of that sophisticated rain with you? We sure could use it...not that I've missed it, mind you.

4/5/06, 3:17 PM  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

PS: Can I tag you with Clare's book title meme? It was quite a fun one to do.

Mine is here

4/5/06, 3:41 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Heh. I live in Orygun. Not a person I know has been able to travel out-of-state without hearing that gawdawful question.

4/5/06, 4:58 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

i love you you rain bringing WHORE

4/5/06, 5:57 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Rain? Didn't you see the L Ron Hubbard Blvd? He's just peeing on us, dude.

4/5/06, 7:05 PM  
Blogger Cityslicker Mom said...

Ha! I love those answers. don't you just love it when people say stupid things like that?

4/5/06, 9:11 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Far, far better to respond to stupidity with wit than with violence.

But mild violence can be fun. Or even just the invitation to the stupid person to inflict violence upon themselves. Ever suggest to someone that they might shove an umbrella up their ass?

4/5/06, 10:28 PM  
Blogger Blog-o-licious said...

...sorry VERY late to the Party, but I Always get blamed for the freaking weather....I reside in Seattle. Yes...I use to have ultimate control but gave it up to Mom 101.
go bumbershoot

5/7/06, 11:56 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home