4.01.2006

I Am Rarely Rendered This Speechless

Me: I really don't want them to tape a reality show at the office.

Childless Forty-something Coworker: It will probably fall through.

Me: I hope so.

CFC: Otherwise, I want professional hair and makeup every day. Also I want to have our lawyers put in a clause that says they can only shoot me from the waist up.

Me: Good idea! Also a clause that the postpartum new mom has to be shot from behind a desk.

CFC: Wait...postpartum? How old is your baby?

Me: Almost nine months.

CFC: (Cackling) That's not postpartum! Please. It's like you'll have a two year old and be still using THAT excuse.

(And...scene.)


43 Comments:

Anonymous Kristen said...

"Yeah well at least I have an excuse I can use - what's yours?"

"Well, post pardum baby makes more sense than your post-pardum ugly stick beating look"

4/1/06, 1:09 PM  
Blogger Mega Mom said...

It IS getting a little old Brooke.

Hahahaha. April Fools!

4/1/06, 1:37 PM  
Anonymous rhonda said...

It IS still post partum. You can be post partum til they are 18 for that matter. Tell her to shut her pie hole :)

4/1/06, 1:38 PM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Reality show at the office?! Yikes.

Speechless is what I would have been after a comment like that from a childless boob. There's just no responding to that in a way she could possible understand.

4/1/06, 1:53 PM  
Blogger T. said...

Wow, what a bitch. I'd so ask her what excuse she prefers to use to explain the wide load sign that is permanently attached to her ass.

4/1/06, 2:04 PM  
Blogger cameo said...

and what if you do? just this morning my oldest kid told me my ass was big. i told him it ws his fault. and i mean it! i've been postpartum for 10 years come july. put that in your pipe and smoke it!

4/1/06, 2:11 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

CFC is an ignoramus. You probably wish you would have told her something like, “You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.” But, in the moment, when someone stuns you with their rudeness and stupidity it’s hard to come up with a witty reply. Screw her.

4/1/06, 2:13 PM  
Blogger kfk said...

Please! We are certainly entitled to consider ourselves postpartum for the rest of our lives!

4/1/06, 2:25 PM  
Blogger something blue said...

Well it will make for some good TV if you staple your coworker's forehead. Just be careful, it's always FUN until someone loses an eye.

4/1/06, 2:35 PM  
Blogger Mama Kelly said...

CFCs comment makes we want to grab an office implement and toss it at her head

::looks around::

hmmm this phone has a couple of hard edges

4/1/06, 2:53 PM  
Blogger theirstepmom said...

Please. It like must be like soooo awesome to be in LA.

4/1/06, 2:59 PM  
Blogger Veronica Mitchell said...

Um, EXCUSE? Why should we excuse the way we look? Oh, right! If we're talking to shallow, vain, judgmental narcissists. I forgot.

Not that I'm ever judgmental. ;)

4/1/06, 3:41 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

So... if she's not postpartum, what's HER excuse? Why doesn't she embrace the makeup-less, disheveled-hair self, full body shot and all?

Hmmmph. My babe's 18 months and you bet your ass I consider myself postpartum.

4/1/06, 4:03 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

Hmm... well first of all for my own selfish amusement I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if they filmed a reality show at your office! Haha ... I would watch religiously and tell EVERYONE I know you and tell them we were all best friends and stuff, y'know???? OOOh, I'm excited.

But for your sake I hope it falls through.

You could have told her that technically you'll be post-partum for the rest of your life. That's true, right? Just pee in her latte.

4/1/06, 4:29 PM  
Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

(I thought of something else that 'CFC' could stand for, but there may be children reading.)

I had a (childless) client tell me once, when my daughter was eight months old, "Aren't you taking this breast feeding thing a little too far?"

Some people, they should just come with an 'OFF' switch.

4/1/06, 4:45 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

yes, i have been heard to say recently--"the whole nine months in, nine months out on the weight loss front"? try nine months in 3.5 *years* out (and counting...)"

but lady, a reality show??? now that would make for some serious bloggage. (i am also envisioning something "the office" style)

4/1/06, 4:57 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh these comments are all so fantastic. (Something Blue- LOVE your idea!)
Now if only I could accidentally print this page and OOPS drop it on the floor right in front of her.

4/1/06, 5:06 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

That is so funny! Ok I say that alot when I comment on your site but seriously. You make me smile every time I read your site. I am addicted! :-)

4/1/06, 5:57 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Couldn't you just staple a sign that reads "I'm a Moron" to her forehead?
Her comment reminded me of all the people who asked me "Aren't you done with that breastfeeding nonsense?" when Chicky Baby was only 3 months old.

4/1/06, 7:51 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

See, I'd be speechless as well. But only because I'd have to be putting all my energy into keeping my hand from bitch-slapping her.

4/1/06, 8:20 PM  
Anonymous mummyv said...

LOL wow... as far as i'm concerned, postpartum will be lasting until my baby is 18 and moves away from home. perhaps then i'll have time to go to the gym.

4/1/06, 8:46 PM  
Blogger Builder Mama said...

OMG, a reality show? That would be totally surreal. Would there be a lot of drunken theatrics, random hookups, fistfights in front of the watercooler? Keep us posted on this one, please...I'm dying here.

A big phbbbbt to your CFC for being a clueless dolt. I really hate people that are judgemental about appearance/weight like that.

4/1/06, 10:13 PM  
Blogger Builder Mama said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/1/06, 10:13 PM  
Blogger Wendy Boucher said...

Then you said: "Oh, you'll feel differently after you have your baby."

She said: "What? I'm not pregnant."

You said: "Oops, my bad. You just look...er, sorry." Walk away.

4/1/06, 11:36 PM  
Blogger Cityslicker Mom said...

What rhonda said. she needs to shut it.

4/2/06, 12:03 AM  
Blogger Bridgermama said...

I think I may have stuck a pencil in her eye.

4/2/06, 1:17 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

WHA? bitch.

i'll have you know that i looked this up, because i was sure the postpartym period lasted AT LEAST A YEAR.

much to my surprise, the internet says the postpartum period lasts six weeks after birth.

what i want to know is who came up with that bullshit, and what is his email address so we can send him hatemail?

4/2/06, 4:04 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Of course you are postpartum and I still have baby weight. My babies are 14 and 11. Next time she says something stupid you can add, "When you are fortunate enough to be with someone you want to have babies with, and then do, you'll understand." If she claims to not want children you just say, "That's a shame." Shame on her.

4/2/06, 9:23 AM  
Anonymous standing still for once said...

Childless Forty-something Coworker: It will probably fall through.

Me: I hope so.

CFC: Otherwise, I want professional hair and makeup every day. Also I want to have our lawyers put in a clause that says they can only shoot me from the waist up.

Me: Understandable, really ... Did you get a huge settlement from that hack plastic surgeon?

4/2/06, 9:57 AM  
Blogger Jozet said...

Shoot her from the waist up?

Tell her, yeah, you'll make sure that Dick Cheney's doing the shooting.

Er-em....

4/2/06, 10:06 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Jozet: BEST answer!

4/2/06, 2:58 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

ACK! Poke! Poke in the eye!
(My finger is actually making that jabbing motion right now; I was also rendered speechless for a moment.)

4/2/06, 6:10 PM  
Blogger IzzyMom said...

I think an evil eye kind of look might have to suffice when faced with such complete and utter ignorance.

4/2/06, 6:42 PM  
Blogger The Imperfect Christian said...

Oh, wow. That is just evil of her. I say we throw a blanket over her head and take turns throwing things at her. She should not comment on that which she has not experienced!!

4/2/06, 10:06 PM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

And you didn't hit her? How very nice of you. I don't think people who haven't had kids should be allowed to say anything like that.

4/3/06, 1:31 AM  
Blogger zeldafitz said...

As if!!!!!!!!!

Grrrrrr. Thems fighting words.

4/3/06, 9:31 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

The fact is that even if you DO lose the baby weight in the first six months or so, it doesn't mean that the remainder of you is still distributed the same way! I still have a pouchy belly thing going on after two years and all the weight off, because who has time for crunches? It doesn't mean I'm a slob who can't be bothered trying to lose what I've gained. It means I'M BUSY!

4/3/06, 1:43 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

Bee-fucking-yotch. A pencil in her eye - that would be a good start.

4/3/06, 2:25 PM  
Blogger The Histrionics of a Fat Housewife said...

Never rendered speechless, unless grappling with my 4 yr old, I would have responded thus:

"Which could only be said by one who remains childless." Pause. Pause. Pause. "Now, why again did you want to be shot from the waist up?"

Oy. I just love the "child free."

4/3/06, 7:29 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

what an ass.
but why would she want to be shot from the waist up if she's not post-partum?
and i'm still post-partum, my baby's 17 months old. I don't have excuses, I have a child.

4/4/06, 12:20 PM  
Blogger lynsalyns said...

yowzaaaa ... what a bitch. Bet her ovaries are totally uncooperative.

I personally would love to be on a reality show. It would out the hubby for the chauvanist he is at heart.

4/5/06, 11:40 AM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

Hey, I'm still using that excuse and my youngest is almost three. I just might use it forever if I feel like it!

4/6/06, 4:55 PM  
Anonymous AdventureDad said...

Did you at leas smack her around little bit? My wife will be using that excuse until our kids get their own apartment.

Nice weekend

AD

1/19/07, 3:26 AM  

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