12.31.2008

The parting thoughts. Unless I drunk blog later tonight.

There's always something a little melancholy about the end of the year for me. I see other bloggers feeling it too, even if they're not all entirely aware of it.

While there's always the exciting promise of the new year ahead, it's tempered with the minor regrets of the current year - goals not yet achieved, organizational projects tossed to the curb, taxes still not in order.

I did not sell a screenplay. I did not even attempt to write a screenplay. I did not make my bed more than a dozen times. I did not get a whole lot of use out of that zoo membership. I did not read The New Yorker avidly each week (but boy I feel cool just thinking about it). I did not turn off the TV nearly enough. I did not "work my abs."

In fact, I did not exercise even once. Unless you count the time the elevator was out and I walked the four flights up to my place.

Yeah actually, I think I will count that.

So I work so hard each year to remind myself of all things that happened that make me feel good, the little things that add up if you think hard enough. Like keeping my head mostly together during an insanely trying year. Remembering a few birthdays and anniversaries here and there. Making it to forty which is way better than Jesus ever did, that slacker. Calling my grandmother just because. Hearing from a long-lost high school friend. Taking a big honkin' leap of faith into the freelance arena at a time when all signs point to You are Insane. Having a family that loves our girls more than life.

And then I remember that even the really teeny things have value, those little snapshots that might be forgotten if it weren't for cameras and blogs and a few functioning brain cells.

Like baking cookies with Thalia until 9PM and letting her dip them in the chocolate all by herself. And watching Sage taste snow or throw leaves or grab a cat's tail for the first time.

There's always time for The New Yorker I guess. Next year. Or not.

Happy happy everyone.


12.30.2008

Yep, we got cats.

Make sure you see the end of this post - for the contest part. With prizes!

It's been a good long while since the evil Desdemona passed on, long enough that Sage never met her. The closest she came to her own cats were the two kitties who did me the honor of inflicting me with toxoplasmosis while I was pregnant and thus were summarily returned to the pushy vet.

(Wow, death, evil, feline abandonment and disfiguring prenatal diseases all in one opening paragraph. There's some holiday cheer for you!)

In any case, Nate's constant whining finally wore me down. And seeing these sweet little 7 month-old rescue kitties in the window playing gently with my kids, while Thalia bent down and whispered to one, I'm Thalia. I'm your friend, don't be afraid. I will take great care of you--well that pretty much shrunk my heart three sizes last night.

(Quick PSA: Adopt a Cat through Animal Haven - they rock.)

But now the one thing we're missing--besides a scratching post and a life's supply of those lint roller thingies--are names.

Well, we do have a few options per Thalia:
Cookie and Train
Grey One and Other Grey One
Dippy and Flippy
Tan and Ban
Cat and Cat
Drinks Water Cat and Don't Drinks Water Cat [sic]
In other words, we need your help. I mean, if you think you're better than a 3 year-old at naming animals and all.

They're both girls, one is grey tiger stripes and the other is browner stripes with a little orange around the neck.

If you name our kitties or inspire the names you will win a Look What is Unopened in My Closet package including a Fisher Space Pen (WRITES EVEN UPSIDE DOWN!), an autographed copy of Sleep is for the Weak, a bottle of M Mariah Carey's Luscious Pink Eau de Parfum Spray, and something out of the kids' stockings which may or may not have been in their mouths.

Photos of the kitties to come when they come out from under the couch.

Thalia wears her cat dress and cat ears and tail today so the kitties "know we are friendly."


12.25.2008

You pick the tree Thalia. Any one you want. Aaaaaany tree at all.


Merry Christmas everyone.

May your family have all their dreams come true, too.


12.23.2008

It's not lazy. It's a public service.

So as I'm addressing our New Year's cards--and I say New Year's because at this point in the procrastination timeline, calling them Christmas cards is laughable--when suddenly it dawns on me:

Our childless friends?

No freaking interest in getting some requisite photo card with a picture of our kids on them. Not in the least. Not even remotely.

I'm trying to remember how it felt when I was anxiously single and I had to rip open these droves of cheesy freaking glossy cards plastered with smiling kids in matching reindeer sweaters. I would fake a smile and go "aw how cute," when really I was thinking ow my fucking head, why did I let myself get talked into Slippery Nipple shots last night anyway?

And so I've deleted 90% of Those Who Will Not Miss The Card from the list.

I swear, I'm not just being lazy. Or cheap. Or saving time due to the fact that it's 26 hours from Christmas and I haven't even bought stamps yet.

No, really.

Really.


12.22.2008

The Dance of Two Sugarplum Fairies

Yesterday, against advice to the contrary, my parents and I took the girls--even Sage--to their first ballet, a suburban production of the Nutcracker.

They loved it. Oh God how they loved it.

The curtain rose, and Thalia gasped, clutching hands to mouth as the dancers took the stage. Are they real people? she whispered, hardly believing that such a thing was possible. Even Sage, our little soccer hooligan, applauded wildly and squealed YAYYYYYYY! in the quiet theater between every scene.

I sat there and sniffled in the dark, unable to control the emotions it triggered and how it brought back all the dreams of my own ballet-adoring youth. I remember truly believing that one day, if I wanted enough I might, meet the Sugarplum Fairy.

I might also be able to ride in a magic sleigh. That flew! (Also, all the Monopoly money was real and I could eat our dishes just like in the Candyman song.)

The performance didn't end with the second act. Later that night after lighting the first Hanukkah candle, Thalia wriggled into her very first pink leotard and tutu and tights and ballet slippers, all in the perfect shade of petal pink. Grandma and Papa and I cranked up the Nutcracker CD and watched her spin and twirl and leap and fall and rebound and spin some more, right through the very last track.

I couldn't find my camera. I was crushed.

When I did find my camera I realized the light was terrible.

It didn't matter.

It didn't matter.

Because I was there.

Something I think I forget sometimes. Maybe we all forget it? The blogger's lament.

I danced around the living room with my daughters and crying again and laughing and twirling them around while they giggled with insane joy. We danced until I couldn't anymore. Thalia would have gone through the whole soundtrack a second time if we had let her.

It was one of those moments you envision when you give birth to a little girl, only you can't quite be sure how it will play out. The faces are blurry. The details are unclear.

Last night it all came together.


I love that I have girls. And I don't care how you're not supposed to say that.


12.19.2008

Spreading the holiday cheer

Dear [insert expletive of choice] driving the new BMW up Rt 9 in Westchester today,

I'm not sure what fly-by-night DMV officer you paid to give you your license without having demonstrated that you know the first thing about driving, but when approaching a hill in a near-blinding blizzard, the best response is not in fact to panic and slow down on your approach. Slowing down will cause you to be unable to make it up the hill, and subsequently, all of the cars behind you will find themselves in the same situation.

[repeat expletive of choice].

Happy holidays,
Mom-101

---

Dear [insert expletive here] who runs the shitty little motel on Rt 9,

If a woman knocks on your door in tears asking if please, please can she leave her car here in the parking lot until the blizzard dies down because she's been driving for 4.5 hours to get 50 miles and she can't get up the hill to make it to her parents' house to see her kids, and so her parents are going to come pick her up here instead--perhaps you were not aware of the proper response.

The proper response is why YES ma'am, YES of course. We're so very sorry. Feel free to leave the car here overnight. Can we help you push it out of that snowdrift? And by the way, can we offer you some tea?

The proper response is not to be completely annoyed.

Especially when your entire parking lot is empty. With the exception of the car with the crying woman in it.

[repeat expletive of choice]

Happy holidays,
Mom-101

----

Dear whoever is in charge of such things,

Thanks for getting me here safely tonight. Despite all the [insert expletive of choice]s on the road today.

Seriously. Thanks. It was worth it just to see Sage playing in the snow for the very first time.

Happy holidays,
Mom-101

---

Update: This morning my 66 year-old mother and I spent a good 45 minutes digging out of the [insert expletive of choice] motel's parking lot and pushing the car out of the snowbank while the [insert expletive of choice] proprietor watched on smiling.

Chivalry! Not alive on Rt 9!


12.18.2008

Reasons #64877-64878 that I love Thalia

64877.

"Thalia, don't eat that gingerbread house."

"I'm not!"

"You're licking it."

"I'm not licking it. I'm just...kissing it."

"You're kissing it."

"Yes, I'm kissing it. Mwa. Mwa. See? I'm kissing it. I'm not licking it. I just want to kiss it. I'm kissing it, see? I love you, gingerbread house."

64878.
"I want to be in Daddy's belly."

"You do? Why?"

"So I can be a baby again."

"Well sweetie, daddies can't have babies, only mommies."

"When is someone else going to have a baby?"

"Like who?"

"I want Sage to have a baby."

"I don't think that's a very good idea, honey. Kids can't have babies. You can have a baby when you're a grown-up."

"Why not?"

"Well, your body isn't ready. You need to be all big and strong."

"I'm strong."

"Why do you want to be a mommy, Thalia?"

"Because I really, really want to."

"Why?"

"If I was a mommy I will do mommy things."

"Like what?"

"Like cut with big scissors."

"And what else?"

"Mail letters."


12.16.2008

Because I'm a total word nerd

God I love finding sites like Rhyme Zone

rhymes for skin:

bathtub gin
bobby pin
cadual fin
christ within
conjoined twin
cotter pin
deadly sin

(come on, sing it to the tune of INXS mediate!)

drawing pin
the flour bin
the gudgeon pin
the kissing kin
the light within
the looney bin has Mickey Finn
a mortal sin
the motor inn
the next of kin plays violin
the skittle pin
a cotton gin
you have to win
like Huckleberry Finn
in West Berlin

[snap snap snap snap snap]


12.14.2008

Confidence check: Nope. Still don't know what I'm doing.

I walked into the gym for Thalia's preschool class holiday party the other day and I realized, man, I still suck at this.

I can hold my own in a meeting, at a dinner, in a foreign country, in a ballroom of 1000 women at a conference. But stick me with my kid, acting as a mom, in a room with 15 other kids and their moms--I absolutely lose all ability to behave like a someone who's actually been parenting now nearly 3 1/2 years.

Suddenly I'm second-guessing everything I'm doing--and worse, how it might be perceived. And lord, it pains me to admit that.

Hm, Thalia is making her own gingerbread house. Am I suppose to be doing it with her? Am I supposed to be correcting her like that mom? Am I supposed to show her how to make it pretty and symmetrical instead of just sitting here going, "good job honey!" with every Necco wafer that dangles precariously off the frosting roof? And what about the pizza? Every other kid is eating pizza. Thalia won't sit down and eat. Should I make her? Should I just make a show of making her? Should I just resign myself to giving her a few crackers and call it a night? Should I declare really loudly to no one in particular she had a reallllly big, late lunch?

The patron saint of insecurity smiling down upon me.

It's funny, as much time as I spend writing about my children and playing the role of professional mom here in these blog parts, I consistently feel ill-equipped to actually perform that role in front of a room full of people. I mean, I can't even get my stroller through a door. Now I'm supposed to parent in front of other moms? Moms who seem to actually do it pretty well themselves?

Any day now, I'm waiting for someone to rescind my Official Parenting ID Card.

"I wouldn't worry about it," was Nate's advice. "I'm sure they don't really care what you're doing."

Oh, men and their silly truths getting in the way of a good bout of self-flagellation.

I've mentioned before that I may be a type A person but I'm a type B mom. I'm never going to be the mom who bakes the best brownies for the bake sale or remembers that Thalia should be wearing a hat because it's 2 degrees outside with the windchill. (We'll just pull your hood up real tight - yeah, like that, honey!) I'd be great at reading to the class; just don't ask me to be the person who coordinates the calendar of when everyone reads to the class.

You should have heard the silence after the class mom asked me if I wanted to join up with her back in September.

"Um," I stammered. "You do not want me to be the class mom. I will make you look bad. I will be doing everything last minute and even then after you've asked me 16 times. I will be the mom that all the non-class moms are calling going, um, where's that thing you promised you'd do? And I'd beg for forgiveness and I'd give you my list of 100 other things I have going on, and you'd be sympathetic for about a month and after that, you'd just fire me."

"Oh that's fine," she laughed. "I'm not really class mom material either."

But she is.

(She really is.)

I am trying to just recognize and accept that I am laid-back mom, hear me roar. And I have two most excellent children to show for it.

Sometimes that's the only reminder I have that I'm doing something right here.


12.10.2008

In support of work-at-home moms, and other reasons to defeat the CPSIA act

When I was a brooding tween back around 1980, my mother had her own children's software company. She was not some computer visionary (sad to say, no trust fund for me). Rather, "software" used to be a term for things that were actually soft - pillows, soft sculpture, and of course, children's clothing.

She was divorced, fairly broke, and this was her attempt to follow a dream. She was 37.

I remember the pride of seeing the most beautiful little things emerge from the attic which served as a sewing room and design studio: Creamy velour playsuits, satin-appliquéd buntings (hey, it was the 70's) lace Christening dresses so spectacular that they appeared in the Smithsonian catalog. What was most incredible to me was that inside each tiny collar lay a satin label with my very own mother's name. It was like magic.

Of course it wasn't all creativity and happiness and lovely little ribbons to steal for craft projects. As the company grew bigger and orders started coming in from Neiman Marcus and Saks, my mother hired several women to help her cut and sew. My mother being, well, my mother, paid them nicely and allowed them to bring their children to work.

One of them was a preschooler named Eric with a shock of black hair, chocolate milk skin, and an attitude problem of satanic proportions. He spent as much time as possible drawing on our walls with marker, ripping my beloved sticker collection off my bedroom door, tearing pages out of my books, and oddly, eating the bark off the trees in our front yard. His mission in life was to torment me. And tormented I was.

If he had been run over by the nearest late model station wagon cruising up our suburban street I would not have shed a tear.

Let's just say I was not the most supportive daughter in all the land in part because of him. I didn't like feeling our home was invaded by strangers. I didn't like seeing all these weird lunches in our refrigerator from the Columbian seamstresses. I didn't appreciate how my mother spent hours up in the attic, although I never would have let on to such a thing.

However while I bitched and brooded and whined at home, at school I boasted about my mother's business. It's in the Smithsonian Catalog, you know. The Smithsonian? As in...you know, that museum in Washington with the ruby slippers? That's a REALLY BIG DEAL. I told me friends about the bolts of fabric in the attic and how so many of them arrived each week that the UPS guy knew our name and let us take rides down our hill in his open-doored brown truck.

Indeed I told everyone about my mom's own name printed in red in those teeny little satin labels worn by babies everywhere.

And then the government. Oh, the government. It would seem that it got all wacky about flame-retardant chemicals and decided that they should be in all kinds of baby clothes despite the fact that we now know that they may have caused more issues than any actual fires. My mother couldn't afford to comply. On top of that, she was being undercut by the big companies who were sending off their patterns to be cut and sewn in other countries for less than minimum wage. That's not how she wanted to work. But as the department stores insisted on lower wholesale prices and larger orders, there was no other option.

Well, there was one.

She went out of business.

No doubt this is why I'm passionate about what I do at Cool Mom Picks and how we help small businesses, and particularly those run by moms, to get the word out about the beautiful items they make with love and care and attention.

This is also why I am simply crushed to learn about the new Consumer Product Safety Commission act that is going to put small toymakers and clothing designers out of business.

I have never received so many letters at Cool Mom Picks as I have since we posted about the act - a designer who was able to stay home with her child for the first time last year because she earned enough through her business after paying the $5300 in insurance already required. A toymaker who will have to spend $4000 per toy to comply with the regulations, when his toys only sell for a few dollars.

I'm all for requiring lead-paint testing and banning Phthalates and BPA and other chemicals from our children's products. I'm all for protecting kids in reasonable ways. But this Consumer Products Safety Improvement Act is about as well-considered as No Child Left Behind.

To require such prohibitively expensive third-party testing and labeling on products that are already inherently safe (natural wood train sets finished with beeswax are not made with lead paint, duh) is not thinking this whole thing through.

Let me be clear:

If this act goes into effect in 63 days, as is, it will make handmade toys and children's items illegal.

So if you've ever bought a cute pair of ribbon barrettes for your daughter at a craft show; if you've ever discovered the most beautiful handmade dolls for your kids that didn't have plastic faces and nylon hair; if you have a thing for those hand-whittled wooden toys passed down from your grandparents; if you've ever thought there was value in buying items from small businesses and local artists with more integrity in their crafts than any big-ass manufacturer shipping all their crap off to China...

please consider joining me in taking action.

-Visit the Handmade Toy Alliance and check out their proposed changes to the act which make a whole lot of sense, sense being something sorely lacking in congress at times.

-Find your congress person and senators and write a letter like the sample here, particularly if they serve on the consumer protection subcommittee.

-Send a letter directly to the CPSC.

-Spread the word to everyone you know who cares about helping the little guy, particular in today's economy.

This ones for all the moms. Mostly mine.
---

Edited to add:

Save Handmade Toys

We've created a Save Handmade! resource page as a source of info and breaking news. And a cute button to boot. Want it? Find it here.


12.07.2008

Top tips for enjoying your Club Med vacation in the post-having-sex-with-the-GOs era


The last time I went to a Club Med, Clinton was president, I was wearing a size 4 bikini--without underwire--and I think I made out with the GO who ran the trapeze. It's hard to say. There was a lot of tequila.

Let's just say a lot has changed in the last decade or so, both in terms of my own (ahem) vacation expectations and the resort itself.

With wanton debauchery a thing of the past, Club Med resorts are almost entirely devoted to families now, and I was lucky enough to get an invite to check out the new bazillion dollar reopening of the Punta Cana resort on a press junket this weekend.

And by press junket, I mean holy hell do I love my job sometimes.

Here are a few things I observed about a Club Med vacation which, as it turns out, indeeds remains the antidote to civilization. Even though there are now flat-screens in the room and Guitar Hero around the bar.

1. If you spill an entire bottle of wine on your iPhone on the very first night so that it doesn't work? It's not the end of the world. It might even be the beginning of a better vacation.

2. Sipping rum out of a whole fresh coconut is more romantic than it sounds. Unless you're already accustomed to toting along a 2o pound bowling ball in one hand while trying to dance or shake hands or simply keep your balance.

Still, it does beat Starbucks

3. Pack enough diapers for your children to last the trip.

4. If you do pack enough diapers for your children to last the trip, don't not lose them somewhere between the shuttle to the hotel and your room.

5. If you do lose your diapers between the shuttle and the room, make sure you have an extra $30,000 US in the bank to pay for replacements.


Or, let them pee in the ocean. Works for me.

6. Buffets are highly underrated. Unless you're three, in which case Frosted Flakes is always the safe bet.

It's not like she'd want an omelet made to order or fresh passion fruit or anything

7. It is not possible to smoke a cigar post 1999 without looking like a complete cigar-smoking Wall Street douche. Even if the very last thing that you are is a cigar-smoking Wall Street douche and more like a really funny guy who serves Soho tourists onion soup for a living.

The Lord duChebag

8. The more drinks you've consumed, the better idea you will think it is to take endless photos of the bartender pouring said drinks. Even if he can balance a glass on a spoon on his arm. I blame it all on the magic bracelet.


2 in a series of 154

16 in a series of 154

9. That huge spider in your room? Ignore it.

10. That woman with the huge fake boobs that every guy in the lobby is checking out? Ignore it.

11. Enjoy being in an environment where European parents look at you funny because you're not keeping your children up until 10PM to watch the family show. It is decidedly nicer than being in an environment where American parents look at you funny because your children are still awake at 8PM.

Tomorrow: Sleeping. Tonight: The mambo.

12. If your kid gets some sort of courtesy diploma that every kid gets at the end of the trip, just know that whichever one she got was the best award of all of them, and no doubt the staff gave it to your kid as a secret code to you that she was the best of all the kids they had ever seen. Ever.


One step closer to Harvard

13. Some words just don't translate well.

One of guest units on property.

14. The best loved aspect of resort by children will not be the brand new playground or the kids pool with the water slides and the squirters, the tennis courts or the guy who dresses up in a bee costume to welcome them on arrival.

It will be some rocks.

Rocks. Very popular.

15. White chocolate bread. Enough said.

16. On the last day of the trip, skip the shower. You'll lie in bed that night still smelling the chlorine on your skin and the ocean in your hair. You'll love how those errant grains of sand tumble out from between your toes as you pull up the blankets and listen to the wind rattling your windows.

No, wasn't a dream.

If not, well, you always have the photos.


12.02.2008

On passports. And decades.

There's something bittersweet about turning in your old passport. Of course there's the requisite nostalgia that bubbles up as you thumb through the worn pages, suddenly recalling the Mexican restaurant with the killer salsa made tableside, or the Olympic stadium in Sarajevo turned hastily created cemetery during the war. You remember the painstaking days spent simply memorizing the Turkish word for thank you and the Pretty Woman-esque shopping orgy through Paris when the exchange rate was so good we didn't bother to appreciate it nearly enough.

But the hardest part to me is looking at the empty pages. The ones with no stamps at all. The ones that might have been filled with ink from Thailand and Greece, Costa Rica and Japan, and a visit or two to see your best friend in Tanzania, had you only found the time/the money/the vacation days/the inclination.

And of course there's that whole business of parting with the photo of yourself ten years younger. Ten years glow-ier.

Maybe the infuriatingly bureaucratic and inefficient system at the will-call window at the passport office is simply some evil genius plan to distract you from becoming sentimental, to keep you from throwing yourself on the carcass of your used passport like a mourning Greek widow, as they punch those two holes in the cover and stamp it CANCELLED.

Yeah, that's it.

We're off for a little trip tomorrow, just for a few days. A lot of fun, a little work, a whole lot of sand. And a new stamp in the new passport.

It's a fresh start. Ten new years to fill those pages. Starting now.


11.30.2008

Self-improvement classes held in the l&d ward daily. Results nearly guaranteed.

There's this scary aspect of having kids in that it forces you to be a better adult.

Not a better parent, just a better person overall.

You can't grab a bag of chips for dinner, lest your kids take note and develop their own crappy eating habits. You can't whine about your weight lest your kids develop their own self-esteem issues around weight. You can't yell fuckwad! at the screen every time Sean Hannity opens his mouth. Occasionally you have to you turn off the TV altogether and open a book.

You have to make the bed. (Well, at least you probably should.)

You have to watch your language when you smash your head on the couch. Hard. You can't talk about your neighbors/teachers/parents/kids' friends behind their backs. You have to make good on promises. You have to make good on threats.

And probably, most daunting of all, you actually have to wait until the big red hand becomes the white walking person before you cross the street--which could only be more annoying if there were zero cars coming, and not the single 1992 Lincoln going 5 miles an hour that's still six blocks away.

There are definitely times I don't know that I'm up for this. Even three years later, it all seems like a huge freaking personality transplant, like all my insides and vital organs have been sucked out my ears then replaced entirely with new stuff that's programmed to set examples actually worth following.

Parenting is hard.


11.26.2008

The picky eater's Thanksgiving


I asked Thalia what she thought she was going to have for Thanksgiving dinner and she showed me this picture she drew for her first "homework" at preschool.

The meal consists of:
-crackers
-a carrot
-one french fry
-"pink sauce"

At least clean-up will be easy.

Wishing you and yours a happy, healthy and delicious Thanksgiving.


11.20.2008

I am definitely in the wrong industry

"Okay mommy, we're going to play that I'm the mommy and you're the kid and I'm going to tell you I'm going to work and you're going to ask me if you can come. "

"Sounds good, Thalia."

"Okayyy...I'm going to work now, kid..."

"Can I come, mommy?"

"Sure!"

"What do you do at work mommy?"

"I go to where the jellybeans are, to look at them and make sure the jellybeans are all okay."

"That's what you do for work?"

"Yes!"

"You are a jellybean caretaker?"

"Yes! And you can come. And I put them all in a box and then there is paper and I take the paper off and I am very careful and then I put them back and then I make sure they are okay and then I can eat them. And then we jump! Jump, jump!"

"And that's what you do at work?"

"That's what I do at work."


11.16.2008

The Motrin Moms ad campaign: Oy, as they say.


Since the Motrin ad campaign broke this weekend (h/t Jessica Gottlieb with more excellent recaps at at Pistachio and Twitter Maven) I've been bombarded with emails (okay, two) asking me what I thought of it. You know, because I'm in advertising and we all know each other.

Wait, actually that's true. We do.

Which is kind of making me a little nervous because the creative team might in fact be people I know and respect and would have to get drunk one night and then slap them upside the head and ask them what the hell they were thinking.

It's worth watching to get the full effect, but here's the transcript:
Wearing your baby seems to be in fashion. I mean, in theory it’s a great idea. There’s the front baby carrier, sling, schwing, wrap, pouch. And who knows what else they’ve come up with. Wear your baby on your side, your front, go hands free. Supposedly [insert air quotes here] it’s a real bonding experience. They say that babies carried close to the body tend to cry less than others. But what about me? Do moms that wear their babies cry more than those who don’t? I sure do! These things put a ton of strain on your back, your neck, your shoulders. Did I mention your back? I mean, I’ll put up with the pain because it’s a good kind of pain; it’s for my kid. Plus, it totally makes me look like an official mom. And so if I look tired and crazy, people will understand why.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Motrin missed the boat. I mean, they close the ad with the tag line, Motrin. We feel your pain.

Huh?

Why that line makes no sense at all! That line almost sounds like it was written for a campaign that demonstrates some level of empathy with parents.

The script is just calling for a line that "closes the circle" and completes the story.
Motrin. Because you can't have an epidural every day of the week.

Motrin. Your body just ain't what it used to be. Sucks for you.

Motrin. It's like totally what, like, all the official moms are taking.

Motrin. For parents who long for the days that they only got body aches from dancing all night and doing coke.

Motrin. Quit yer whining, woman.
Sigh.

Snide remarks aside--I'll leave that to the thousands of moms on twitter who are going nuts right now if you search #motrinmoms--I'm actually feeling Motrin's own pain right now. They have an awesome brand, a tried-and-true product, and a very smart idea at its core: Motrin works on the pain that only mothers understand.

What the campaign is missing is the love.

And that's not something that can be captured in a single throwaway line about being willing to endure pain for your kid.

It's not easy to do snarky well when you're talking about parenting. Popular blogs like Motherhood Uncensored, Finslippy, Baby on Bored, White Trash Mom, Laid off Dad, and Metrodad to name a few, are not popular simply because they illuminate the ups and downs of parenting with brutal, hilarious honesty, but because they do it through the eyes of parents who truly, deeply love their children. It's the rare writer who can capture the negatives without bitterness, who can elaborate on the hell without sounding, well, like a 34 year-old male copywriter who's never had a kid. Whether or not that's actually the case.

There are some good freaking writers on parenting blogs. They connect with thousands of parents every day. And none of them are making nearly what creatives in ad agencies are making.

Maybe that should change.

-----
Update: I just received an official statement by email from Kathy Widmer, McNeil's VP of Marketing

I am the Vice President of Marketing for McNeil Consumer Healthcare. I have responsibility for the Motrin Brand, and am responding to concerns about recent advertising on our website. I am, myself, a mom of 3 daughters.

We certainly did not mean to offend moms through our advertising. Instead, we had intended to demonstrate genuine sympathy and appreciation for all that parents do for their babies. We believe deeply that moms know best and we sincerely apologize for disappointing you. Please know that we take your feedback seriously and will take swift action with regard to this ad. We are in process of removing it from our website. It will take longer, unfortunately, for it to be removed from magazine print as it is currently on newstands and in distribution.
Nicely done.

And now I think it's time for the twittering to callllm down just a bit, for everyone to stop calling for the company's head on a platter, and allow them to make amends. After all, we do like our ibuprofen, right?

----

One more update, via a friend at the ad agency: The copywriter is no longer with the agency.

She's on maternity leave.

Wow.


11.10.2008

"When I'm a parent, I'll never be one of those people who...oh wait. Scratch that."


We've become Those Parents who trot our child out and ask her to perform for company.

God help us.

It starts innocently enough - Thalia likes singing the goodbye song from school. She likes showing company how many rhymes she can make. (Telelphone...delephone!) She likes the knock knock jokes.

The next thing you know, we have a roomful of brunch guests, with Thalia at the center of them all, showing them her Dancey Dance moves and reciting the Redskins fight song.

And here Nate and I are justifying it, oh look, our guests are charmed! They think it's great! They love our kids! Here we are not even contemplating for a moment that our friends are going to go walk out the door and before the elevator has reached the lobby, they're going to be grabbing each other and saying, "Did we really just spend our entire Sunday listening to a three year-old rhyme ball with mall then tell us all about how she poops by herself?"

I think you could say we're officially parents now. The plaque is on its way.


11.07.2008

Safe toys for kids this holiday: Good thing to buy if you ask me


Oh man I've been so swept up in election-y matters that I totally forgot to mention -The second annual Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy Guide is here.

We've rounded up truly safe toys for kids from baby teethers and rattles to cool ride-ons and handmade dolls so that whatever you get the little people in your life, you can rest a little easier, support some great small artists and boutique owners, and keep more plastic junk from China out of the landfills.

Also, you'll save a crapload on batteries.

Plus if you add the purdy button above on your own blog you could win $600 worth of awesome goodies for the kids (check the guide for details). Pretty fair trade if you ask me.

----
For more on how to pick safer toys for your kids, check out our post on the Alpha Mom Guide to Everything.


11.05.2008

History

new pic: Reuters

I am still too overwhelmed to get my thoughts completely straight.

Outside, there were people spilling out of the buildings of my otherwise quiet Brooklyn neighborhood. Cars were honking and flashing lights, an incredibly diverse group of Brooklyn College kids were cheering and singing and dancing, filling the sidewalks like a Mardi Gras parade. No cops came to stop them. No scowling passersby rolled their eyes. Instead, people high fived strangers. They hugged their neighbors. The streets were teary and joyous and magical.

It felt cathartic as much as celebratory; like a heavy weight lifted off our collective chests. Like enchanted statues in some sci-fi movie cracking open and revealing living humans once again. Like a triumph of hope over hatred. Of progress over fear.

At an election watching party last night, one friend turned to me and asked whether I was going to wake my kids and give them the news. I told her I wasn't sure; I think they were too little to understand, even if the night really belonged to them.

Then I turned to her and said, "Our children - they're going to grow up during the Obama years."

She squeezed my hand and we cried together.


11.03.2008

Necessity is the mother of Halloween costume invention


So in typical blogworld fashion, you were all right: The girls had a dandy Halloween party without me, I survived The Big Meeting, and I made it home in time to get them dressed again for trick or treating. The thing is, Thalia was happy to get into her cat costume (far less challenging than last year's peacock to be sure) but Sage was in overstimulated-sugar-crash-getting-a-cold mode and would not put that gay lamb costume back on for all the Kit Kats in the world.

And by gay I mean exactly that. It was totally gay, so get your finger off the PC police hotline. We're talking like Liza Minelli-belting, interior decorating, blue satin bow tie-wearing, name your stereotype gay. Even Nate's best friend, who is gay, agrees. In fact I am sure that we saw at least 18 guys dressed the very same way on TV at the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade.

Gay.

Having given up on Sage's likelihood of making it up past 6, Nate got ready to put Sage down to bed. But as I started to head out with Thalia to knock on the doors in our building, Sage got a second wind and, clad in nothing but a diaper, decided she wanted to join us.

So we did what any family would have done in the same situation.

We threw an apron over her, shoved a whisk in her hand, and called her The Naked Chef.


I think three people in our building got it. We like them.

---

This is a public service announcement (with guitars?): If you are having ANY problems at all voting tomorrow, if anyone tries to give you a provisional ballot, if you are turned away at the polls or see any fliers or get any calls with misleading information tomorrow please please PLEASE call 1-866 OUR VOTE or text your question to RTVOTE. This is not some wacky conspiracy theory - there have already been 80,000 complaints made about voting problems.

[Edited to add: These suggestions is based on knowledge I've gained working closely with Rock the Vote over the past month on an election protection campaign and having the honor of speaking one-on-one with Greg Palast. If you are given a provisional ballot, there is a 1/3 chance it will not be counted. By calling 866OURVOTE you can request immediate adjudication, so that if you are indeed qualified to vote, you vote. Not all counties or polling officials are dishonest. But you know? Some are.]

I know my segue is terrible but that's what happens when you wait three days to post Halloween pictures in an election year.


10.30.2008

Broken Promise Number X

Dear Thalia and Sage,

I know you cry when I leave for work in the morning these days. I know that an hour in the morning and then (if I'm lucky) a half hour at night isn't enough time. I know that I promised you that tomorrow I would take the day off of work to get you dressed in your costumes and take you to the class Halloween party.

Sometimes things don't work out as we plan. Sometimes I don't have all the control I wish I did. Sometimes I can't say no even when I really really want to.

I'm so very sorry.

I'm trying to remember my mother's advice, to ask myself, "Will this all matter in five years?" I'd like to say it doesn't.

But I keep thinking of the memories I'll miss, the photos I won't take, the tears I'm going to face when I explain, once again, I'm sorry but I have to go to work. Some of them will even be my own.

Forgive me. Forgive me for still being at work tonight at 10:42. Forgive me for all subsequent nights that I'll still be at work at 10:42. This won't be the last. That's just how things go.

I'll still be home for trick or treating. I'll even let you stay up extra late and eat more candy then you should. That's what moms do when they are feeling guilty.

I love you both, more than you know.

Mommy


10.27.2008

"Some daddies hit"

"You can't do that, Sage!" Thalia insisted, as Sage pulled the DVDs from the cases (again) and strew them across the floor. "If you do, daddy will be mad...and he will hit you."

"What?" I asked. "What did you say?"

Then more tentatively: "Daddy will be mad. He will hit you?"

"Now why do you think Daddy would hit you? Daddy's never hit you. He loves you. We don't hit people we love."

"But sometimes they do. Sometimes daddies hit if they're mad."

I sat her down and asked her where she learned this.

"James," she said, referring to a boy in her class. "James told me that he had to run because his daddy will hit him if he does something bad. So he runs. He runs away."

I fumbled for words. I said something about daddies loving their kids and kids loving their dads and what James said may or may not be true because people generally don't hit each other.

"But if their daddies are bad, they do. James's daddy is a bad daddy."

Eek.

To be fair, Thalia is in that imaginative stage where she she attributes her own thoughts and needs and ideas to other kids. Like telling me that Sage "wants me to eat a cookie" or that Sage "says I have to watch Caillou," which, frankly, I know isn't true because Caillou sucks beyond belief and my children would never ever like anything that sucks. Also it freaks me out because it makes me think of David Berkowitz revealing that a dog named Sam told him to kill a bunch of teens making out in their cars. In other words, Thalia is either a very imaginative child or she's on her way to being a serial killer.

Of course if the story were true, it would explain why James (not his real name of course) has hit Thalia in the face twice this week.

Eek again.

I don't know what's true and what's not, but the whole thing has given me a very uneasy feeling. I don't even know how to proceed from here except to sit tight, hope that's the end of it and wish that kids were all just perfect and never hit or made up stories and certainly never insisted on watching Caillou.


10.22.2008

Thank you Courteney

Nate by text: Shd I keep Thalia up or put her to sleep? Shes asking for u.

Me by text: No, still working. Sigh. Done 930ish then will grab a quick bite.

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. More than overwhelmed. Working full time along with all my other commitments hasn't left enough time for the girls. Racing home to try and catch them for a few minutes before bed, then waking up to play with them for a half hour and give them breakfast before racing out the door has been tough. Then just when I'm feeling it most, a trip to Chicago for a conference.

Suddenly I understand why my father brought me home trinkets every time he returned home from Houston or Jackson or wherever his own job had him traveling when I was a kid. I promised Thalia a "special treat," hugged her, and walked to the door towards the waiting Town Car.

I couldn't even kissing Sage goodbye; she was napping.

I had one of those verge-of-tears kind of mass in my throat as the driver helped me with my bag.

"Passenger's here!" he shouted into the air as he fiddled with the bluetooth headset. "I'm transporting and I'll get back to you in one hot minute!" He turned to me with the warmest, most genuine smile imaginable. "My sister. She's in Florida, at the playground with her son right now."

A moment ago you couldn't have convinced me that I would have had a conversation with a driver the whole trip to LaGuardia--I just wanted to sulk. But with Courteney, I couldn't help myself. We talked about our fortieth birthdays, we compared notes on Obama, he volunteered his favorite commercials in hiliarious detail. He spent a good five minutes breaking down the lyrics to a song from "my girl, Annie Lenox" then played it for me, belting out the lyrics almost in tune.

He made me laugh.

Sometimes the universe sends us the people we need, right when we need them.

Thank you Courteney. I arrived at the airport on time. And smiling.


10.15.2008

Using the copywriting skills for good and not evil (says the Democrat)

I can't donate a million dollars to the Obama campaign. I can't even donate $2000. I can't spend the next two weeks hauling my family up to Ohio to knock on doors. What I can do? Write ads.

Here's one I worked on with Peter Koechley of Moveon.org (former managing editor of The Onion), and director Doug Liman (Bourne Identity, Mr and Mrs Smith, Swingers). Fans of Gossip Girl might recognize some cameos...




And now you know why posting has been light lately. See you all November 5 when we can stand together joyously and shout YES, WE DID.


10.10.2008

Love and not-quite-marriage

Six years ago today--or to be more exact, six years ago early tomorrow morning--I walked Nate out of my bedroom, through the living room, and towards the front door. As I kissed him goodbye, I warned, "Just so you know - this isn't going anywhere.

We're just fooling around. I want to be really clear, okay? There's no way this can possibly work."

"Okay," he said.

"Okay," I said.

I kissed him again, and he walked towards the elevator.

Once every so often, eh...I'm wrong. What can I say. But these words in particular are ones I'm happy to have eaten.

Happy anniversary Nate. I love you so much. Even though it's totally grossing you out right now that I'm saying it on my blog.


10.08.2008

I love you just the way you are. Glitter is optional.

Every morning I wake up next to Thalia (yep, that hasn't changed) and ask her, "did you sleep well? What did you dream about?"

Generally the answer is "Unicorns." Or "A horse on the beach." Or "We played soccer in the grass park!"

Does she actually dream about these things? Probably not. I'll give her an A for creativity.

But this morning was different.

"I dreamed about a make up kit. For kids. A toy with makeup for kids. That I can put on my face and I can play with it and wear makeup. It's a toy, mommy! A toy! Naybe we can buy it? Naybe we can buy a toy make up kit for kids?"

Not sure if this came from a commerical or a friend at school or just her own imagination.

Sigh.

What's a make-up loving, Beautyhacks-contributing, fashion-loving, feminist mom to do?

I am definitely more influenced than I'd care to admit from my own upbringing, in which nailpolish was not something for children, pierced ears were for 13 year olds (later reduced to 9 with much pleading), heels were meant for grownups, and make up was very reluctantly permitted in junior high. Oh, you should see how my class portrait changed from the sweet seventh grader with braids down the side of her face, to the wild, frizzy-haired eighth grader with the sparkly blue Maybelline eyeliner and the amateurish Clinique mascara application. It was as if I had gone from dorky to made-up and dorky, almost overnight!

But three is not thirteen. And it's not even nine.

So when do we let our girls get all girlie? Or really...womanly. Because that's what it is.

I see little girls with painted toenails and I find it equally endearing and repelling.I think it would be something fun to do with Thalia, and then I wonder if that's teaching her some kind of message that goes beyond temporary tattoos and animal character hair clips. I also rejected the offer at the kids hair salon to put glitter spray in her hair. The lollipop makes her plenty happy--and me too. It may rot her teeth, but it's not rotting her ability to simply be a preschooler.

I'm no make-up hating grinch, of course. I do let Thalia play with my makeup brushes when she asks and let her put on all the lip balm she wants, while assuring her that she's so beautiful that she doesn't need makeup. But then how do I explain my own use of it? The converse of You're so pretty would be Mommy's not pretty enough and that, along with mommy's fat, are not sentences I want to utter in front of my daughters.

I want my girls to have fun with fashion, dress up as crazy as they want, and--I suppose--have at it with my old eyeshadow pallettes. Maybe even the "toy makeup for kids," whatever that may be. But on the other hand, aren't there some things that our daughters should just have to wait for?

I'd count freaking out their moms high on that list.


10.05.2008

Well, there's one way to get more people to vote.

"Mommy, can you put on a Thalia show?"

"No sweetie, this is the news. They're talking about the election. Remember how I told you that we're going into a voting booth together soon and we're going to vote for Obama?"

"What's a voting booth?"

"Well you've been in one with me every year. It's like a little room with a curtain that we pull close, and then you pull a big red lever and push some buttons to let people know who we want to be the president."

"And maybe it's a helicopter! Maybe the you push the buttons and it goes UP! Up, mommy! Up in the sky, like the helicopter at Playland! And then it comes down and we can get some cotton candy. Can we go there now mommy? Can we?"

"Maybe in 2012."


10.01.2008

Home again.

Riding up in the subway elevator I felt my belly start to flutter while my fingers fiddled with my zipper. Nervous. Anxious. Like the anticipation of seeing an old college friend. Or a former crush.

But it wasn't.

It was my kids.

The 10 hour, 12 hour, 15 hour work days lately are taking a toll. I raced home tonight, the one day I could make it out before six, but the subways weren't cooperating. Missed connections, delayed local trains, a stop between stations.

I raced through the turnstiles, out the exit, into the rain. I bounded up my stairs and through the door.

"MOMMY!" Thalia cried out, and I ran to her.

"Sage just couldn't wait any more," our sitter said. "I just put her down. She was so tired."

I sighed.

Later, we sprawled out on the couch together, Thalia on my belly facing up. I leaned in close--cheek to cheek, skin to skin, wrapping my arms around her as tightly as she'd let me. I felt more like a needy lover than just another working mom, trying to Do It All. Like we're supposed to. Like we somehow think we can.

She talked to me about her day and I breathed in the smell of her just bathed skin. I stroked her arm, tickled her feet, twirled her damp hair. She told me about school, about her classmates, about the snacks they ate. I was so wrapped up in her, in the moment, it was desperately hard to focus on what she was saying. It wasn't important.

But it was.


9.27.2008

Three. ARGH, THREE.

Me: Thalia, you have to eat this piece of pizza. It's so teeny - it's not really even a piece, it's like a quarter of a piece. It's three bites. Come on, eat it please.

Thalia: I don't like pizza.

Me: What? You're a communist. All American kids like pizza. It's like the law. You're crazy.

Thalia: I don't like it.

Me: So what do you like?

Thalia: Rice.

Me: And what else?

Thalia: Milk.

Me: And what else?

Thalia: Cake.

Me: Rice, milk, and cake. That's what you like. Anything else?

Thalia: I will eat the pizza. But only with no cheese. And no sauce.

Me: So you just want the crust?

Thalia: No, I don't like the crust.

Me: So no pizza, then.

Thalia: No.

Me: Outstanding.


9.21.2008

Why a baby

Sage and Mickey, February 2008, at the Chinese restaurant where we told Thalia that fried calamari were Chinese french fries and she ate a ton.

My step-grandmother, Mickey, died early this morning. She was 83. But she was a young 83, so vibrant and energetic that only Friday did my stepmother have to cancel Mickey's regular tennis game.

It was sudden and it was swift, as we all hope these things should be. Still, it was too sudden. It always is.

I've noticed that every time a person leaves my world, a baby is born into it. Perhaps two. It seems to be the universe's way of reminding me that this is how things go. If we're lucky, there's some overlap so that those of us who have learned from the generation who came before us can pass it onto the generation that comes next.

These babies are our hope, our future, our hearts.

When I clutched Thalia and Sage close in those early days I remember thinking that now, they are important to me. Eventually, they will be important to the world. They will grow to be sisters and friends, coworkers, girlfriends and maybe someone's partner or spouse or mommy or grandma. They will matter to other people. They will matter, period.

I wish this were the wholly uplifting new mama post I had hoped it would be for the online shower (and it might have been had I gotten around to writing it earlier in the weekend). But Kristen and Rebecca, I can only remind you that when you're done complaining about the swollen boobs and the stretch marks and the sleep deprivation; when you have a moment between the witch hazel pads and the cabbage leaves, the swadding and the shushing and the thank you note writing (or avoiding), and certainly the 5 dozen daily diaper changes---

make sure to save some time in there to love those babies and just sniff their sweet heads and appreciate the miracle that they are. Mickey was always so good at that.


9.19.2008

Mo babies, mo babies, mo babies

In case you've been under a rock for the last eight months or so, you might know that Rebecca of Girls Gone Child is having a second baby and Kristen of Motherhood Uncensored is having a third baby, bless her heart. They happen to be two of the most amazing writers, fabulous friends, and all around cool chicks that you could ever hope to have in your life.

So I looked it up and turns out that Emily Post says that throwing a second shower is "perfectly fine."

Seriously:

Q. Is it proper etiquette for an expectant mother to host a baby shower for her 2nd baby?

A. While it is never appropriate for someone to host a shower (baby or bridal) for themselves, it is perfectly fine to throw a baby shower for a mother’s second or third baby.

I like perfectly fine. Do you like perfectly fine? Yes? Well in that case, we--we being me and Julie and Catherine and Katie--invite you to join in the fun.



Just write a post on your own blog reminiscing about those new baby days (something happy and as uncynical as you can possibly muster so we don't freak Kristen and Bec out completely) sometime between now and Sunday, check out the rules here, and you'll be entered to win one of five killer gift baskets including stuff like $100 Amazon gift certificates from beau-coup favors and gifts, and gift cards to the Silly Wagon where honestly, I need like a 6 million dollar gift card.

Because what is a shower without gift bags?

And alcohol.

Okay, no alcohol. We would get into legal issues with the shipping.

(Okay, fine I'll send you alcohol.)

(Don't tell anyone.)

Now the one thing that Emily Post does say is that second showers are perfectly fine as long as the guest list is limited to close relatives and very close friends and/or guests.

So we will just pretend that you are all my close relatives. In fact I may hit you up for money oh, say when Thalia's ready for college.

Happy reminiscing.

(PS Amalah is having a baby too and therefore all Amalah-loving people, me included, should feel free to shower her in person if you're in the DC area.)


9.16.2008

Death by a thousand paper cuts. Or really, five.

Day One: Not excited at all.

"We forgot the star," I sighed, as I spotted the rows of carefully displayed handmade paper stars across the preschool classroom, each decorated by a different child.

Did we receive the star in the mail? The one that Thalia was supposed to decorate and bring to class on the first day, the teacher asked?

Um...maybe?

It's been a while since I opened my mail.

She kindly handed me a spare star which Nate tucked into his breast pocket, no other parent the wiser. They were all buried, teary, behind camera lenses, wildly documenting their child's monumental first day of preschool too.

I walked over to the wall and examined the stars covered in scribbles and squiggles and googly eyes and haphazard drops of glitter and sequins and glue, each one a beautiful example of that particular child's three year-old heart captured at a moment in time. But one in particular stood out.

The white construction paper was covered with photocopied family photos, symmetrically arranged in amateur scrapbook fashion. There wasn't a speck of wayward rubber cement or errant glue stick, no evidence of sticky fingers or chocolatey hands. It was nearly perfect. Then as the crowning touch, at the very points of the star, the child's name was spelled out in perfect, teeny little red letters.

It was spectacular. It was inspired. It was a thing of glory. It was bullshit.

"That's cheating," I blurted out. "Totally cheating."

I am trying so hard to understand what goes through a parent's mind when you do a preschooler's art project for her--You want the teacher to know you care, that you took the assignment seriously. You want your child to stand out. You want to make a terrific first impression. Yes? No?

I'm not convinced that the intent was malicious, a transparent attempt to fool the classmates into intimidation of your own child's creative prowess. And who knows, this could be a parent I meet and spend time with and grow to love to death; then one day, after a few too many plastic cups of Chardonnay at the holiday fundraiser, I'll lean over and say so...what were you thinking doing that star for your kid?" And she'll say, "Yeah, I went a little too far. We were just so excited..."

Or something.

But then, maybe she'd wonder what the heck is wrong with the parents who can't even be bothered to hand in the one stupid little assignment that the teachers asked you for before the school year began.

When Thalia and I sat down to at the coffee table last night, I told her she could do anything she wanted with her little swatch of white, five-pointed paper. She went right for a black magic marker.

I admit it would have been nice for her to show off a little. Depict her family or spell her name or draw the camel that she's been oddly obsessed with this week. Sketch a funny face or do something cool with yarn. You know, if I even had yarn around the house.

"Do you want to trade that black marker for a color one?" I urged gently. "Maybe some crayons? Some glitter? You know, we can finger paint..."

Nope.

She clasped that black marker in her fingers and scribbled a big messsy mess of a rats nest of a scribbly mess. Then she grabbed her little stamp pad and stamped some blurry, inky animals around the points of the star.

"Done!" she said. And it was.


9.15.2008

Thalia's first day of preschool

What if the kids aren't nice to her?
What if she's the littlest kid in the class?
What if she cries when she gets there?
What if she cries when its time to leave?
What if I cry when she gets there?
What if Nate and I don't fit in with all the other parents?
What if they find out I already turned down an offer to be co-class mom?
What if they find out that Thalia barely finishes a half a sandwich in a sitting?
What if they find out Thalia watches a shitload of TV?
What if they find out I have no problem saying "shitload"?
What if I am the mom who doesn't remember to send back medical forms and permission slips?
What if I am the mom who doesn't remember to buy her a backpack?
What if I am the mom who doesn't remember when school starts each day (because I'm already off to a good start in that department)?
What if they can't understand Thalia when she speaks?
What if the other kids have a party and invite everyone but Thalia?
What if we built up school too much and Thalia freaks out completely when she gets there?
What if all the other kids are in nicer clothes?
What if all the other kids are in jeans?
What if the director hates me?
What if someone different has to pick up Thalia every day because our schedules are so wonky?
What if Thalia doesn't want me to leave even though I'm back to work now and can't stay there with her every day?
What if Thalia has the best time of her life?
What if Thalia has the best time of her life and I feel guilty that I wasn't the one to introduce her to Duck Duck Goose and coloring your own masks and baking Zucchini Pie?
What if they find out I have a blog?


9.12.2008

Hey, I'm signing some books today!

Sleep is for the Week Weak! (THAT is how hungover I was.) Book signing and party! Today in Park Slope, Brooklyn at Tea Lounge, 5-7

More details here. Oh please please please NYC readers, come by and say hi? If not for me, then for all the other awesome writers who will be there?

(Am too hungover to write much more about it. So yes, it was a great birthday. I swear I'll be better by 5, and if not, well Rita has promised to prop me up.)


9.11.2008

Forty

Hello!

Today I am forty.

Yesterday I was not.

I think that's kind of cool.

It's not nearly as tough as I thought it would have been a year ago, when I turned 39. Actually, I'm kind of excited to finally have an excuse when I say that the VMAs are completely over my head. When I was 26 I sounded like a loser. Now I just appear age-appropriate.

No doubt I'll have some more thoughts on forty soon, but not today. Today I'm going to draw some runes, try and sneak in a massage, refuse to watch TV, get all pretty, have dinner with some of my favorite friends in the world, drink me some fancy Prosecco, and troll for compliments.

I'm hoping for at least 10 sincere "WHAT? NO WAY THAT YOU'RE FORTY!"s before midnight. That would be even better than a pony.


9.07.2008

Yep, I'm a mom. Funny that.

I've really tried to look at the past week home alone as a rare opportunity to remember who I am.

In other words, to reconcile who I sometimes think I am (a pinot-swilling, bar-hopping, sparkly eyeshadow-wearing social butterfly) with who I really am (pathetic semi-recluse with far too much reality TV on the DVR).

I was sure that with ten days to myself, I would catch the last summer sunshine in Central Park, take in every art house film within subway's distance, and do girls-night-out tequila shots in some East Village dive until 3AM. Instead, indulgences have so far been limited to chewing with my mouth open and reading blogs until midnight.

It's all sort of reminded me of the kids that head off to college under the guise of a fresh start. "I can be anyone I want!" they proclaim, only to realize, one day with their feet up on the table at the student union, that you may be surrounded by new friends but inside not much has changed. Maybe you no longer have to avoid the mean girl who throws food at you every time you pass her and no one remembers the time your sneaker fell off in second grade gym class and everyone called you Cinderella for five years (sorry Tom J) but you're essentially still you.

As parents we sometimes write about our longing for love letters and booty calls and how we wish we still had money left at the end of the month for uncomfortable shoes but desiring something isn't the same as the desire to pursue it.

In the end, it would seem, I'm now a mom. Maybe even a mom first. And that momness stays with me even when my children do not.

Yesterday I learned that a beautiful little girl who lived around the corner from us was in a terrible, tragic accident earlier in the week.

She died. She was Thalia's age.

The news struck me profoundly and painfully. I spent the better part of the day inconsolable. I didn't have my children here to hug tightly or Nate to help me absorb the shock.

I took myself to a movie, dazed, swollen-eyed. (Two hours of Robert Downey Jr in an afro is an outstanding distraction by the way, if anyone is looking for one.) I returned home sort of at a loss, not quite sure what to do myself. Writing was futile, and TV wasn't nearly keeping my attention. I started to clean the kitchen counter but that lost its appeal quickly.

So I did something I never would have thought a week ago that I'd do given ten days without children: I babysat.

Tony and Oodgie
got a much needed night at the movies and Cheeky got a few hours handing me my ass at Candyland and showing me her big girl underwear. The wine and the adult conversation when my fellow grown-ups returned home was healing, but I think being around a vibrant, happy, energetic three year-old was more healing. Faced with death I needed to see life. Faced with tragedy I needed to read Valentine's Day with Dora three times in a row. I wouldn't have expected it. But I'm a mom now.

One more thing I learned about myself this week: I need to get in better shape. Duck Duck Goose can be a bitch on your knees.


9.04.2008

Number of days after my children go away that I burst into sobbing, heaving hysterical tears after hanging up the phone from them:

Four.

---
The Original Perfect Post Awards 08.08

In other news, thank you so much Niihaus for nominating my post "The Truth About Two" for a Perfect Post award this month. It made me have to click over to that post and read it again to see just what you liked about it, making me cry again. I think I'm just going to skip the mascara today altogether. Maybe even for the next six days.


9.03.2008

Carry On My Wayward Googlers: Political Distraction Edition

It's been far too long since I've checked into the old sitemeter to see exactly what Google searches have curiously led the brain surgeons of the world to Mom-101.

Once again, you don't need a license to breed
how to tell what trimester you are in
It's been a while but I believe you count from the first day of your last menstrual period

i looked different until i stopped breastfeeding

Yeah, that baby attached to the boob generally sets you apart.

how to raise a boy with no brothers
Stop at one.

weaning dr sears
No need to wean - just put down the book and go cold turkey.

things swallowed by toddlers
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, "Sorry, the ice cream store is out of ice cream."

my son penis is big
Oh why oh why oh why would you ever name a child Penis? And maybe you should stop feeding Penis so much junk food.


Kinda freaking me out
smelling friends moms feet
Better than her butt?

which is better flowbee or robocut
Something tells me you have bigger issues

placenta pot pie
Um...ew.

vagina hurts when it cough
if your vagina is coughing, please get off the computer and seek medical attention


Challenging the premise that there are no stupid questions
whats the technical term for vagina?
Um...vagina? Too obvious?

men like small boobs?
I know, I was surprised too.

booger eater smart intelligence?
If so, you are clearly not a booger eater

whats the kind of things that come out of dog vaginas?
If I'm not mistaken, they're called puppies.

phallic kids drawing teacher?
I always feel bad for those phallic kids

where do you put a tampon in?
Generally the bathroom

how did the north carolina get its names?
Carolina was to honor Charles IX of France. Not sure where the North part comes from.

anyone tried innuendo for sex?
It's not as good but the clean up can be way easier.

sibling vulva differences?
Well, one is a person and the other is a part of a person.

why aren't eyebrows identical?
The majority of eyebrows are in fact fraternal


Why spelling counts
beautiful buts
"...but I will do the dishes for you after rubbing your feet, my pregnant wife."

silicone verses latex nipples
Pure poetry

tonight im going to part like its 1999
See also: Midwestern Hair

the bleeding hearts media
See also: Gardening blogs

beau chevaux hair salon
For your horse? Or yourself?

i need somthing funny to write one a bosses birthday card
"Dear boss, I deserve a raise. Happy birthday"


Sorry, can't resist
Mens room icon
Larry Craig


Huh?
quaker oatmeal tragedy
"And then the small, slippery grain spilled out of the box and across the floor killing two puppies"

gloria steinem hates feminism
Just like Marx hated Marxism. He was tricky that way.

bladder song
Track #7 on the Red, Hot + Essential Organs compilation CD.

bras dent balls
That is a serious, serious bra

pesky unavailable callers from boa
One of the great problems of our day

boobs parasite creatures pregnant
I can only nod my head and agree.

retarded tuna
I believe the proper term is mentally challenged tuna.


Why must you taunt me?
worlds longest ingrown hair
Argh! You search for this every damn day you freak. If you haven't found it yet, maybe it's just not on my blog.